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Disposable

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I’m Doing This For You

This Pen: Is A Syringe...
Drawing Blood,
Straight From My Heart.
And...
With Each Line I Cringe,
But... This Is, Love,
&: Nothing Less Will Do.

So, as my vision blurs...
I’ll, Bleed another word.
Give all; that I'm worth.

For... This Is, Love,
&: Nothing Less Will Do.

I'm, Doing This For You.

I’d Do Anything,
For You.

Just wanted some feedback on this.

I know the punctuation is distracting
But I'm not too concerned about that.
I use the punctuation to help me remember the rhythm I want.

Thanks in advance.
 
monsieur critique a votre service.

Can't speak for the melody of course, but my opinion on the lyrics is that you need to define what it is you're trying to say. I'm assuming that you're illustrating how you're song-writing (this song) is a difficult and painful thing to do, but your love for him/her is so strong you do it anyway.

"I'm doing this for you" What is the "this"?
 
baillou2 said:
"I'm doing this for you" What is the "this"?
Click to expand...

No! Don't tell them that! Lyrics need to be vague enough that everybody thinks it applies to their own lives.

I would lose this line:

Drawing Blood,
Straight From My Heart.
And...

and replace it with something that fits the rhyme scheme of the second verse

So, as my vision blurs...
I’ll, Bleed another word.
Give all; that I'm worth.

Find a word that softens the syringe/cringe rhyme, like you've got with blur/word/worth.
 
I'll be completely honest:

1) As mshilarious alluded to, the best lyrics are those that people can identify with. People don't generally kill themselves or drain their own blood when they are in love w/ someone else. It's an interesting visual but as lyrics they are just not compelling. (plus, they remind me of a Harry Potter book in which poor Harry was punished by being forced to write sentences with such a pen.)

2) There are certain terms and nomenclature that rarely work in good lyrics. One of them is medical terms. Your lyrics reminded me of Evenescence. They have a song that goes "My God... my tournequet" that I find kind of lame lyricly. "Tournequet" doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, and neither does syringe. ( ditto words like fibromyalgae, epidermal, and carcenoma.) The only medical terms that work on a regular basis are ailments of the heart, like "heart attack", "broken heart", etc. In short.... it's a clever rhyme, but ditch the word syringe.

A
 
Aaron - you forgot about Fever :)

And what's wrong with that old favourite:

I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me
Than a full frontal lobotomy

Anyway, just wait until I finish my magnum opus about being slightly delayed for a dentist's appointment by virtue of a minor head cold. A Grammy winning topic if ever I heard one. Just think about the rhyming potential offered by words such as "phlegm" and....."molar"....oooh, I'm breaking into virginal lyric territory as I write....can't think why nobody's done this before.......;)
 
i totally agree with what the others said, i was thinking the same thing about how the title doesnt go with the song at all because you arent saying what you are doing for this person.

the first stanza i understand what you are saying but i dont really care for the way you are saying it, it sounds very gruesome and theres nothing wrong with that but its not appealing to the ears.

IMPO, i would say clean up the lines that you have, mold to fit the title or change the title.
 
hmm...maybe this is my ignorance showing again...I like it! I immediately got a feel for the vibe. Something like Mudvayne or Korn (not a Korn fan)...heavy rock...possibly metal with a rap twist??

Certainly needs some fleshing out and lengthening but I think its a decent start.


PS...I like the syringe line, cringe however? meh...
 
Fat_Satchel said:
hmm...maybe this is my ignorance showing again...I like it! I immediately got a feel for the vibe. Something like Mudvayne or Korn (not a Korn fan)...heavy rock...possibly metal with a rap twist??

Certainly needs some fleshing out and lengthening but I think its a decent start.


PS...I like the syringe line, cringe however? meh...
Click to expand...
It's got the same feel as Valentine, or those other masocists who cut off body parts to prove they love someone. Gruesom, but at the same time, alluring. Keep working on it, while I spew! :eek:
 
Im no lyric machine, but I do realize that you can put ANYTHING to a good melody and people will just make it fit.

I found your lyrics to be interesting enough that if they were to some really good melody, maybe in a dark minor key, it would project a definate feel, although suicide came to my mind....
 
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