looking for crits & feedback

L

Layla Nahar

New member
Hello all,

This is a draft - I hope to get these ideas into a song eventually.
I'm trying to get away from writing the WORDS, erm the analysis
and the head stuff, to writing the feelings - for me these two
are not synched up yet, so I don't think this makes good poetry.
I think I'm getting *closer* to writing the feelings.
but somehow something is still lacking.
Its still like I'm saying the thing, but still not actually saying the pain ...
you know? (I think this is the case for the first stanza in particular)
The title is "1999"


1999

I'm cracking up
Out of my head
and if I hold my breath real tight
-I'll make it.

If I had claws
I'd sink them in
But my hands are soft
and you are free.

I know its really short, but I'm wondering how effective it is. I could use any kind of feedback - how you react to it, what is more/less interesting, what has more pull, criticisms, etc.
 
Keeping in mind this is at a conceptual stage at this point my only comment is that I sense a disconnection between the 2 verses. The 2nd one is the stronger for me and I think is closer to your goal of portraying the feeling in imagery [ie; wanting to hang on to someone but not being able to] The 1st verse is very generic in what it is saying IMO.

FS
 
1999



If I had claws
I'd sink them in
But my hands are soft
and you are free

I'm cracking up
Drownin' in bed...[Possible edit]
and if I hold my breath real tight
I'll make it.


Like Fat says..Just a idea...good luck :)
 
Hey Layla
I think it is great, keep going

"Its still like I'm saying the thing, but still not actually saying the pain"

I think what you are getting at here can be sorted out with the emotion you put in when you actually sing it. The delivery of a lyric, especially by the person that wrote it, can add bucketloads of meaning.

Cheers
Brownie
 
brownie said:
Hey Layla
I think it is great, keep going

"Its still like I'm saying the thing, but still not actually saying the pain"

I think what you are getting at here can be sorted out with the emotion you put in when you actually sing it. The delivery of a lyric, especially by the person that wrote it, can add bucketloads of meaning.

Cheers
Brownie
Click to expand...

Thanks for that advice. I guess that's true. I'm still doing a lot of work on this, and on writing in general. Sigh. I get discouraged really easily.
 
Great Idea and fantastic imagery!

A trick I use for song lyrics is to make sure the words I write fit into a particular rythem, you don't necessarily have to have a tune in mind when you right them but they should constitute some kind of flow. The second stanza has a particular flow to it but the first seems to be missing a few beats. This can also depend on whether you want to make one part a chorus and one part a verse or just the whole thing chorus etc.

Hope that makes any sense what so ever.
 
Don't get discouraged.
When Billy Joel was asked what the lesat favorite part about his job was he said, "Editing my babies." In other words, the final product is the result of agonizing nights of not adding more words or more instruments but deleting.

It is simple, great imagery. And like I have posted before, lyrics are not to be read, they are to be sung, and they sound a whole lot different when sung.

Thoughts....
Verse 1
If I had claws
I'd sink them in
But my hands are soft
and you are free

Verse 2
If I had wings
I'd fly to you
But feet stay grounded (grounded could be tough to sing in this rhythm)
and you are free

(Then maybe this is chorus...)
I'm cracking up as I drown in bed
Can't let go of the things you said
If I hold my breath real tight
Wish on one more star tongiht

OK, OK, I was wandering off to cheese-ville there at the end, but keep playing with it. I would like to see these lyrics again when you get a little further.
 
Wings/flying/freedom and related metaphors are massive songwriting cliches. Avoid at all costs.
 
mook said:
Wings/flying/freedom and related metaphors are massive songwriting cliches. Avoid at all costs.
Click to expand...

so are and/or/not/sky/feel/dream etc but id carry on using them. depends how you do it.

the main thing i find when writing (i have NO patience and NO concentration...) is just to keep it all coming it out. forget about entering the world of cliches and cheese, just make sure you get it all out. when you stop getting lyrics on paper because you think they're naff, you end up stopping altogether.

i say take suggestions of some the alternative lyrics - maybe even change yours slightly AND incorporate some of the ideas given to make an entire song...
otherwise, dont give up or get disheartened. EVERY last lyric ive written thats not recorded is the best example of cliched cheese ever, but the fact i wrote it spawned some good stuff too.....and im sure thats not just happening to me either.
 
I guess it depends on the genre you're writing for. In my opinion the best lyrics tend to come from country/folk and indie/alternative music, and not from mainstream rock, metal, pop, R&B or dance; but then these genres often don't require inventive/original/poetic lyrics. Hip hop can be brilliant but obviously in its unique way.

If you ask me, one of the main things that separates many of the people here whose MP3s I've listened to from recording artists is the quality of the lyrics. As soon as I hear something hackneyed (together/forever, people flying away on wings of yada yada) it jars with me - much more so than a timing issue or an odd chord. I would never tell anyone, because that would be mean, but it's noticeable, and can often drag a good piece of music down.

I always rush my lyrics, especially the second and third verses, and never really bother to edit and edit until they're better. And I probably should. I don't believe in the old "first thought:best thought" theory of poetry/songwriting - everything can be improved if you have the patience and discipline.

But you can't really learn eloquence or poetic ability; certainly it's easier to learn an instrument. What you can do is decide what genre you're writing for and that pretty much sets your parameters, or at least sets the expectations of your audience. They're just a lot higher in acoustic/country/folk and indie music, so be aware of that.

Bands/singers with great lyrics (just a tiny selection):

The Smiths
Pavement
Dandy Warhols
Ryan Adams/Whiskeytown
Wilco/Uncle Tupelo
Neil Young
Nick Cave
The Doors
Frank Black/The Pixies
Bob Dylan

All of this, naturally, is completely IMHO only - I don't mean to offend or patronise anyone. And as someone with a staggering four weeks' homestudio experience , I know I have shitloads to learn here :)
 
Layla Nahar said:
I get discouraged really easily.
Click to expand...
Then having people that you don't know critique your work may not be the best way to go. One smart-ass 13 year old with nothing better to do will crush any confidence you have built up in two sentences. Also, every post that you get on this thread will alter the outcome of the song/poem, because the advise you are given will ring in your head when you try to write. Finish the thought, and if you can take the pain(honesty), post it. ---but that's just one mans opinion. Peace! ;)
 
ez_willis said:
Then having people that you don't know critique your work may not be the best way to go. One smart-ass 13 year old with nothing better to do will crush any confidence you have built up in two sentences. Also, every post that you get on this thread will alter the outcome of the song/poem, because the advise you are given will ring in your head when you try to write. Finish the thought, and if you can take the pain(honesty), post it. ---but that's just one mans opinion. Peace! ;)
Click to expand...

hi - thanks for support. I can tell you one thing, no one, absolutely no-one can ever or would ever criticise my stuff as harshly as I do. Its just not possible. Also, people's response's won't alter the way I write. If somebody points out a flaw, I'll take it into account, and it may help, but I'm writing to figure stuff out, and that's not something that changes, you know?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top