Just started writing some lyrics( Am I on the right track?)

[A.D.Ryan]

Hey guys,
I started writing some lyrics for one of my songs. Any suggestions?


THE WANDERER

All alone in my small town
Days drag by and I can’t sleep
I am restless and deep down
I make promises to keep

Chorus:
I want to see the world
Swim all its seas
Break all the walls, climb all the mountains
I want to see the world
Conquer the world
And one by one unwrap its wonders

I want to break away
Wander the world
And one by one unwrap its wonders
I want to see the world
Walk all its roads
Get lost and find my way, then wander

To be continued....

Cheers

 

[Milnoque]

Suggestion one: wgenever I see a phrase like "climb all it's mountains" my mind immediately goes to "climb every mountain" from "The Sound Of Music". That may be just me but my suggestion would be to choose metaphors other than mountains and seas to convey that.

Suggestion two: The line "I make promises to keep" doesn't reflect anything that follows it. If you plan to tie it in you might want to use it later in the song.

Suggestion three: This set of lyrics would benefit greatly from a rhyming strategy. The more a poem reads with a meter the more important rhyming is IMHO. The absence of rhyme can create a distracting vacuum for the listener. It is especially true when you start out rhyming and abandon doing so.

 

[A.D.Ryan]

Suggestion one: wgenever I see a phrase like "climb all it's mountains" my mind immediately goes to "climb every mountain" from "The Sound Of Music". That may be just me but my suggestion would be to choose metaphors other than mountains and seas to convey that.

Suggestion two: The line "I make promises to keep" doesn't reflect anything that follows it. If you plan to tie it in you might want to use it later in the song.

Suggestion three: This set of lyrics would benefit greatly from a rhyming strategy. The more a poem reads with a meter the more important rhyming is IMHO. The absence of rhyme can create a distracting vacuum for the listener. It is especially true when you start out rhyming and abandon doing so.

It hurts me to say that... you are 100% right Thank you!

 

[grimtraveller]

I nearly always find it hard to critique a lyric without the music because even an irregular lyric like this one can sound awesome in the right surroundings and with a right delivery. In fact, you could sing it in Ukranian (if there's such a language) and it could sound great if done right. While I might like specific lines or phrases, it's the sound that really does it for me. It can make an average lyric seem good and a good one great and a great one, well, you know what I mean.

 

[philbagg]

In fact, you could sing it in Ukranian (if there's such a language)

There is

Моє судно на повітряній подушці наповнене вуграми - this was defined as a useful Ukranian phrase.

It translates to: My hovercraft is full of eels

OK, hijack over, back to task at hand.

I liked it Andy! Good work. I agree with what the lads above said. Keep it up

 

[grimtraveller]

There is

Моє судно на повітряній подушці наповнене вуграми - this was defined as a useful Ukranian phrase.

It translates to: My hovercraft is full of eels

Назовите чрезвычайные услуги! Быстро!
And this is "Get the emergency services, pronto !"

Hey, A.J, maybe you could construct a chorus round this.....oh, forget it !

A thought; maybe 'hills' or 'slopes' instead of mountains.....

 

[A.D.Ryan]

I nearly always find it hard to critique a lyric without the music because even an irregular lyric like this one can sound awesome in the right surroundings and with a right delivery. In fact, you could sing it in Ukranian (if there's such a language) and it could sound great if done right. While I might like specific lines or phrases, it's the sound that really does it for me. It can make an average lyric seem good and a good one great and a great one, well, you know what I mean.

I hear ya bro!

 

[A.D.Ryan]

There is

Моє судно на повітряній подушці наповнене вуграми - this was defined as a useful Ukranian phrase.

It translates to: My hovercraft is full of eels

OK, hijack over, back to task at hand.

I liked it Andy! Good work. I agree with what the lads above said. Keep it up

Phil, Thanks
Long time no hear! How are you? Was the recording course you took, an online course? I`m starting to think that maybe I need one

 

[philbagg]

Phil, Thanks
Long time no hear! How are you? Was the recording course you took, an online course? I`m starting to think that maybe I need one

Nope, its in a college I think they're really good. For me, at least, they condensed what would have taken me about 5-10 years to learn into 2 years. So much easier. Costly though

 

[A.D.Ryan]

So you don`t know of any trustworthy online courses for home recording, right?

 

[philbagg]

So you don`t know of any trustworthy online courses for home recording, right?

Can't say I do. You should start a thread about it and see if anybody does.

 

[Greg_L]

So you don`t know of any trustworthy online courses for home recording, right?

This whole site is an online course. Read.

 

[grimtraveller]

Shamelessly eclectic

This whole site is an online course. Read.

I second the motion.

I sort of touch on this quite a bit so stop me if you've heard this one but.........
There are hundreds of threads on HR and there have been so many contributors. Many people, I've found, have some experience of some of (or all of) what they advise. And alot of disagreements happen and often get rough and nasty and heated. But I learned something long ago. That most people have something useful to contribute. So I try to avoid getting embroiled in the arguments and fights and try to get into the various sides of the debates and glean what different folk are saying about particular things. That two people are diametrically opposed on a subject doesn't necesarilly mean either is right or wrong. Just different strokes and strides. I've learned lots of stuff just by reading through the arguments ! And it really is like an on-line recording course. An indisciplined one, yeah, an at times unaccountable one, yeah. But generally, the answers are there to be found and more importantly, the necesary nudge to find one's own answers. Things that work for one person may be anathema to another. But the great thing is that you, by necesity, are the final arbiter of the decisions you make.

 

[philbagg]

That two people are diametrically opposed on a subject doesn't necesarilly mean either is right or wrong.

Except when Victory Pete tells you to put talc on your guitar

 

[grimtraveller]

Except when Victory Pete tells you to put talc on your guitar

Is that to make it smell less woody ?

 

[philbagg]

Is that to make it smell less woody ?

It actually creates an artificial reverb chamber apparently

 

[A.D.Ryan]

Thank you guys! I guess you`re right. I just feel bad about asking questions all the time while I can`t give anything in return

 

[Skeptik]

Hey Ryan, I in fact do like writing lyrics and such. If you still need help, you can email me and I'll show you some of my lyrics, how they came to be, and kinda teach ya some cool things ha.

ThyNinja@gmail.com


Anyone can email me btw.

 

[Greg_L]

Thank you guys! I guess you`re right. I just feel bad about asking questions all the time while I can`t give anything in return

I don't know why you'd even ask. They're your lyrics, write whatever you want. You don't need anyone's approval. If the music is good, you could sing total jibberish and it will work.

 

[Milnoque]

Thank you guys! I guess you`re right. I just feel bad about asking questions all the time while I can`t give anything in return

As far as I'm concerned, Your opinion is as good as anyone else's. If someone asks for comments tell them what you think.