Jolene

Nightfire

Nightfire

Aspiring Idiot
First one in a long time.

Jolene - All Rights Reserved 2008

Look up on the bright side Jolene
Pick up all the pieces, and drive them down the road
Pick up all these answers, and tuck them all away
Gather up your tears now, and throw away your heart
Look up on the bright side Jolene

Carry all your dreams now Jolene
Pack them in your suitcase, and take them far from here
Empty pockets full of coins and dust from yesterday
Dreamers cant stay standing, the merry cant stay weak
Carry all your dreams now Jolene

Show off all your scars now Jolene
Dance away the broken, and captivate the free
Loosen rusty chains now, and tie down all your fears
Carve your path to freedom, and sail to deeper seas
Show of all your scars now Jolene

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Comments and criticism welcome.


Mike
 
I'm curious about 'Jolene' as well. I'd be eager to hunt for another two-syllable name, because 'Jolene' is so intimately connected with Dolly.

You've got some pretty nice lyrics in here, such as:
"Empty pockets full of coins and dust from yesterday"
and
"Dance away the broken, and captivate the free".

But I'm not convinced by: "the merry cant stay weak", which sounds a bit too contrived for my liking, and eludes interpretation.

The overall theme for this set of lyrics is, as I see it, "cast off all your worries, and let yourself be free", which I kind of like.

But there are some inconsistencies:
"Throw away your heart" doesn't quite fit this general theme, though "release your heart" might.

Similarly, though "tie down all your fears" fits with the idea of "battening the hatches" for a journey to freedom, I would prefer to see a line that suggest more of a "toss your troubles overboard" idea, rather than hanging onto them.

I think you have the makings of a fine song here, with just a little bit of work needed to tighten up the metaphors.
 
I hadnt heard of the song Jolene by Dolly Parton until just now, I did youtube it and listened to it.

I can see how that might throw people off, the music I write is pretty folky so I cant even claim Im in a totally different genre than Parton fans:o

With that said, I really like the name Jolene. I could consider finding other names, but I feel like it just wouldnt be the same. I've gotten attached to it:p

Thanks for all the good advice Gecko, I dont think when I write, I usually just let the stream of consciouness pour out and later have to edit everything to pieces for the metaphors and sentences to make sense.

I'll record a very rough demo sometime on the weekend so you guys can hear the melody, its a very simple 3 chord song.


Mike
 
Jolene doesn't....

....bother me. I rather like the name. It's just enough outside the mainstream to evoke images of one who sits on the fringe. The imagery in your second and third verses is fantastic. I also like the progression from "bright side" to "dreams" to "scars". The first verse is weak for me and I can't quite put my finger on it. I would like to see it rewritten but keeping the first and last lines.

A bridge is unnecessary for this song but, if writteen properly, it might help the listener transition more smoothly from "dreams" to "scars". That transition is a bit rough but not so much that I can't manage it.

As always, these are just my thoughts and what I might try. The song is yours and the imagery is great. Nice phrases that turn a mildly abstract storyline.
 
Sure - keep the Jolene... There's lots of Johnny's so maybe you'll start a trend :) Good lyrics, read well and tell a good story.....:)
 
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