Jokes!!

Two salesmen are traveling in the country when their car breaks down. The only house around for miles was a large mansion. They knock on the door and a beautiful widow answers the door. Since it is early evening and the garage will not be opened until morning, she offers to let them spend the night in the guest bedrooms.

In the morning they call the tow truck and leave.

About three months later salesman number one opens a letter and can't believe what he reads. He goes to salesman number two and says:

"When we spent the night at the widow's mansion, did you sneak away into her bedroom in the middle of the night?"

"Why, yes I did."

"And did you use my name?"

"Why, yes how did you know?"

"Well, it seems she died and left me her 5 million dollar estate!"
 
A man was about to become a father for the first time, with the baby due to arrive at some point during the World Cup.

His friend said: "What will you do if your wife is having the baby on the same day that your team plays?"

The man replied: "Don't worry, I just bought a VCR. I can watch the birth after the game."

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What about the drummer that was so depressed about his poor timing skills that he tried to end it all so he threw himself behind a speeding train.
 
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Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has happened.

‘First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while drinking vintage champagne and eating foie gras. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector,’ says the coroner.

‘Second body: Scotsman, 25, won £1,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.’

The inspector asks, ‘What of the third body?’

‘Ah,’ says the coroner. ‘This is the most unusual one: Big Seamus Quinn from Donegal, Ireland, 30, struck by lightning.’

‘Why is he smiling then?’ enquires the inspector.

The coroner says ‘He thought he was having his photo taken.’
 
A blonde rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"

The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."

The blonde says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

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A retired man moves near a junior high school. He spends the first few weeks of retirement in peace and quiet. However, when a new school year begins, three young boys beat on every trash can they encounter every day on their way home from school.

Finally, the man decides to take action and walks out to meet the boys. He says, "You kids are a lot of fun. I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids continue to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the man tells the kids, "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income. From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans." The noisemakers are displeased, but they accept his offer.

A few days later, the retiree approaches them again. "Look," he says, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to pay more than 25 cents. Will that be OK?"

"A freakin' quarter?" the drum leader exclaims. "If you think we're going to waste our time beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts. We quit."
 
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!

"A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

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