Hmmm... interesting tune - reminds me a bit of James Taylor (and I don't like James Taylor - kidding!) Playing was solid and I didn't notice any timing issues or clams (bum notes).
But OK, here comes the hard part... within the first few bars, I spotted some sonic problems right off. I think you were too generous with the high-frequency EQ boost (whether it was EQ or an exciter). I'm guessing the you felt the tracks weren't bright enough and you tried to add clarity and "air" to the mix at mixdown. You don't get "air" in the mix by boosting highs or adding an exciter on the final mix (all you get that way are bright, harsh-sounding, muddy tracks!) The "air" comes from confining each instrument to its own particular area of the frequency spectrum so that there are no frequency ranges fighting each other to be heard.
Then next obvious area you need to look at is the bass - you had some very low bass sounds there but I could only hear them using BeyerDynamics 770 headphones. You've got the very low end of the spectrum there, but the bass's mid-range is non-existent, leaving you with a mix that will sound very thin when listened to on anything other than headphones. (No surprise, since you say you mixed it on cans - RadioShack no less - yikes!!) I'm guessing you used EQ to cut out some possible boominess out of the bass track - problem is, you need *some* of that boom to balance out the bass's tone and round-out the bottom end.
The other thing I noticed was that the drums seemed to be an afterthought in the mix - the kick is non-existent when it should be working with the bass to pull the low-end together. That doesn't mean it needs to be prominent in the mix, but it should at least be reinforcing the rhythm.
BUT........ I'm not giving it a thumbs-down (of course, this is all just my opinion anyways!) -- it's a nice tune, good arrangement and playing, the mix just needs some tightening up!
Bruce
