Don't know if I'm sold on these lyrics as a whole

M

Mr. F.

New member
I wrote this song a few months back and have been slightly tweaking the lyrics. This song is in 6:8 and you could compare the music and mood to cross of Hawthorne Heights and 30 Seconds to Mars. The last 2 lines of the second verse are actual lyrics to a song me and this girl would sing to each other; So Contagious by Acceptance. I put the lyrics in the song because they were the topic of the second verse and I felt they flowed well. Is it lame to purposefully use other song'slyrics in context to tell a specific story? Tell me what you think.

The Promise

You said that you loved me, you never would leave me like this
Now you've broken the promise, a promise I'll never forget
The taste of you is on my lips leading back to our first kiss
Without you here by my side life seems to fake to live

Those words you said burned a hole into my heart
The place where you should be, you're leaving me empty

Every line to every song leaves me missing you
I stop and try to sing along, these words I scream are far from true
"and could this be out of line to say you're the only one
Breaking me down, you're breaking me down like this"

Those words you said burned a hole in to my heart
The place where you should be, you're leaving me empty
The lie is on your face, a smile even you couldn't fake
I hope you think of me constantly

I'll never forget the nights that we had spent
Our hands clasped so tight and we were willing to fight
For our love

Those words you said burned a hole in to my heart
The place where you should be, you're leaving me empty
The lie is on your face, a smile even you couldn't fake
I hope you think of me constantly
 
69 views and no comments? I appreciate any constructive criticism as long as it is presented as a way to improve upon what I have and not tear me down...
 
Mr. F. said:
69 views and no comments? .
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The amount of views doesn't mean anything. Out of those 69 views, 52 of them could have been bots. The other 17 could be you checking out your thread.

As far as the lyrics go, I'm not really sold on them either. I might not be the right person to ask though, because "love songs" and/or "heartbreak songs" bore me to death and have been done a gazillion times it seems. Unless you've got some kind of un-expected twist, or a play on words, or SOMETHING more than "You said you loved me, etc......", it's hard to get my motor running at all. As soon as I read the first line, it lost my interest completely.

Don't get me wrong. They might or might not be great lyrics. It's the style that just doesn't do it for me. I didn't read one line that got my attention or anything that hasn't been said a thousand times before, in my opinion.
 
Unlike Rami, who has written dozens of excellent songs without the cliche love song diatribe, I seem to be stuck in that abyss. :D

This phrase stands out as so so - "to fake to live"

Why is the chorus only 2 lines here -

Those words you said burned a hole into my heart
The place where you should be, you're leaving me empty

It has good meter so it makes it easy to hear a sort of built in rhythm and the beginnings of a melody :)
 
ido1957 said:
Unlike Rami, who has written dozens of excellent songs without the cliche love song diatribe, I seem to be stuck in that abyss. :D
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In fairness, I have to say that I like your tunes regardless. If the music is good, the lyrics are less crucial to me. If I heard Mr. F's tune, as opposed to just reading the lyrics, I might say it's an awesome song, and the music might suit these lyrics perfectly. :cool:

Why is the chorus only 2 lines here -

Those words you said burned a hole into my heart
The place where you should be, you're leaving me empty
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That's a pretty standard structure. Often, the first chorus is a half chorus, just used as a teaser. A lot of songs have that, though I can't think of an example right now. :eek: :D
 
RAMI said:
If the music is good, the lyrics are less crucial to me. If I heard Mr. F's tune, as opposed to just reading the lyrics, I might say it's an awesome song, and the music might suit these lyrics perfectly.
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Absolutely. That's nearly always the problem for me. I love lyrics ~ but only in the context of the song and I have to hear the song for the lyric to be in context. One of my favourite lines in a song is;
"And you wouldn't think to look at him
That he was famous long ago
For playing electric violin on Desolation Row".
When I look at that lyric written down, it inspires nothing. It doesn't stand out, it's pretty lame looking without context. But stick it in the drama of "Desolation Row" with the build up that leads to it and the climax that comes after with Dylan drawling and two guitars and a loud fuzzy harmonica and a cast of bizarre characters and the feel of the piece, well ! It takes on a different dynamic altogether.
So Mr F, you might find that lyrics alone without musical context, melody, phrasing and delivery leave many people kind of cold.
 
ok ok. Get what you guys are saying and I totally understand. I guess I will just have to do a little recording on it and go from there. I know what Rami means where a song can only be written so many times.... Like Ido said, I seem to be most inspired to write songs about love when either its going great or badly. lol This is probably my most "emo" or emotional sounding song. I usually dont try to go this depressing. I would also agree that one of my favorite lines in this song is "life seems to fake to live". I dont think I've heard that phrase very often. My other favorite is "the lie is on your face, a smile even you couldn't fake". The rest of the song is alright, but then again if EVERY line in a song was just as amazing as the one before then it might lose its contrast?

Grim, you make a good point about the musical aspect playing a huge role on how a specific line might be heard and stand out. The way I wrote the melody really makes me feel like "you're leaving me empty" and "I hope you think of me contantly" will NOT leave listeners disapointed. Thanks for the input and I will see how some recording goes.

also, if you want to check out some of the songs I've recorded. https://homerecording.com/bbs/general-discussions/mp3-mixing-clinic/some-input-appreciated-336307/
 
grimtraveller said:
Absolutely. That's nearly always the problem for me. I love lyrics ~ but only in the context of the song and I have to hear the song for the lyric to be in context.

....
So Mr F, you might find that lyrics alone without musical context, melody, phrasing and delivery leave many people kind of cold.
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+1

For words to be' lyrics' rather than just attempts at poetry they have to sit properly on the pulse of some music. The key words need to hit the right beats and the singer has to be able to sell the song.

I had a quick listen to your songs and the good news is that I don't have to tiptoe round the issue of them being awful. You seem to know what you are doing on a number of fronts. But, as you say, the lyrics above could do with a bit more oomph.

However, as far as the lyrics above go, my reaction was similar to Rami's:

Unless you've got some kind of un-expected twist, or a play on words, or SOMETHING more than "You said you loved me, etc......", it's hard to get my motor running at all. As soon as I read the first line, it lost my interest completely.
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I've read a lot of early attempts at lyrics on songwriting forums and it's amazing how many of them aim for the same spot - what you might call the "Teen Angst" or "Hurting Heart" zone. There are millions of songs out there, both amateur and professional, about the whole hurty, lonely, love business. This means that you probably have a fairly decent potential audience if you get it right, but the downside is that it's been done a million - no, as Rami says, make that a gazillion times before. So it's extremely hard not to write cliches and it's even harder to make your effort stand out from the crowd.

I'd recommend reading a stack of lyrics on similar themes and see how the professionals add interest, tell a story, and come at it from a different angle. Off the top of my head I can think of things like "Crying in the Rain" where the angle was that the lovelorn guy didn't want his tears to be seen in public so he went out in the rain where they would be spotted on his cheeks. Or check out a wonderful piece of lyric writing on "You've Lost That Loving Feeling" which is just a beautifully observed commentary on a love that has dimmed. "You never close your eyes any more when I kiss your lips..." "There's no tenderness any more in your fingertips" etc. I'd be inclined to ditch the "hole in the heart" stuff and try and find a more original or eye-catching angle. Check out the twists and turns, mini stories, and observations that this guy works into a very similar theme Somebody that I used to know

Good luck. You're on the right track.

Chris
 
Yeah those lyrics would be way better if you killed the girl and wore her skin to family functions or something like that.
 
Greg_L said:
Yeah those lyrics would be way better if you killed the girl and wore her skin to family functions or something like that.
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:)

I might have to steal that...

A new version of "I Got You Under My Skin" - "I Wear You Over My Skin"..... where's that pen gone...
 
Greg_L said:
Yeah those lyrics would be way better if you killed the girl and wore her skin to family functions or something like that.
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Wasn't "Maniac" from Flashdance originally about a serial killer?

To the OP, I have trouble getting into lyrics without music. Your lyrics don't "jump off the page" at me. On the other hand, a lot of the best songs have lyrics that seem pretty blah when you read them by themselves ("Rock 'n Roll All Night" by Kiss comes to mind). And I've written lyrics that LOOK great, but just don't work in a song. Sometimes simpler is better.

Hope this helps,

David
 
Thanks for all the input guys. I'm working on recording a rough draft of this and I'll post up a link so you can get a better feel for the song in progress.
 
No financial interest what so ever but this book say many of the things I have read and learnt on this forum and many more and here is an interview with her on TAXi TV

HTH
Burt
 
It's been done before dude... make it different somehow... and it's "too fake to live" BTW...

And you shouldn't lift those two lines unless you want whoever wrote them to sue your ass.
 
A couple of things the author does point out that might get you started with or without music.

The title – does the song answer the questions that the title asks? The who what, where when? You only use the word twice in the whole song? Could it be “The hole burnt in my heart” or “The hole you burnt into my heart”?

It is an image, not an abstract. The description of image and action engages our imaginations & emotions not the voicing of the internal monologue you have when the ‘bitch’ has left you? Humans do not remember in words, so don’t write a letter or a contract – we remember in images so write like film/TV and pepper the language with poetic devices/juxtapositions that summoned up even richer visuals.

Your first line is the first verse all on its own, perhaps all the verses: “you never would leave me like this” – Like what? Describe in vivid detail like the title sequence from a movie what ‘like this’ is like? Are they ‘drunken all day behind half closed curtains’ or ‘lonely nights deleting your hard heart from my hard drive’ or even “full of moments when I still think you are there as I smell the socks you left in my draws” (Brits will enjoy that entendre)

The taste of you is on my lips – what about that taste? Cherry pie? Why does it lead me back to “our first kiss”? The human mind prompted by internal thoughts or external sensory input moves from one thought to another? So what is it that in the horror of the world she’s left you in that prompt the memory? If you find it and describe it well then your listener will go there with you.
So you give me the story line in the Vs then move to the summation metaphor, hook, lead lyric, (what ever you want to call it) in the Ch

Ch
“Your broken promises piled up like wood on a fire
That I was to frighten to start
The place where you should be is ashes and empty
Where you burnt a whole in my heart” (Sorry I write Country too much)

Most of what I write is just fertiliser and should be treated as such, but eventually good things grow up through the shit and the real skill is knowing when and what to craft into songs. This is by no means my thinking just what I have gleaned from the recommended book and the wisdom of others on the forum!

Write everyday, develop ideas every day, find good lyric hooks, steal and adapt beyond recognition to avoid litigation, but just keep doing it

HTH
Burt

As the head of NASA once said ‘Hey going to the moon, come on its not rocket science . . . no actually it is’
 
Here's an example.

I held a dandelion
That said the time had come
To leave upon the wind
Not to return
When summer burned the earth again

Cultivate the freshest flower
This garden ever grew
Beneath these branches
I once wrote such a childish words for you

These words, to me, sound flat when read on their own. But, they were written by Bernie Taupin...the master of the obscure lyric. When you hear this song... "Curtains" (last song on Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy), the lyrics fit perfectly. More importantly, the overall 'sound and feel' of the song is what sells it. Not the music, not the lyrics...it's the package.

So, perhaps when the OP posts a completed song, we'll be better able to make suggestions on the lyrics.
 
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