Critique This Song!!!

L

Lanny Cox

New member
Hey guys, I just wrote a song and I was hoping to improve my skills as a songwriter a bit by getting some constructive opinions. So lemme know what you think.. this is only a rough demo so I didn't pay too much attention to making everything perfect recording-or-performance-wise, audiophiles and perfectionists be forewarned.



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Humpty's Demise

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
Humpty Dumpty became unwound
Reached for an illusion and fell to the ground

Fairytale story, horrorshow end
Humpty's all broken, it's all just pretend
All the kings horses and all the kings men
Couldn't put Humpty together again

Humpty Dumpty was deviled inside
But his happiness he'd be denied
Humpty Dumpty was hit by surprise
Yolk all around him and tears in his eyes

Fairytale story, horrorshow end
Humpty's all broken, it's all just pretend
All the kings horses and all the kings men
Couldn't put Humpty together again

Did you see him
Lying there in his shattered shell
Did you believe in
The story these cracks can tell

Fairytale story, horrorshow end
Humpty's all broken, it's all just pretend
All the kings horses and all the kings men
Couldn't put Humpty together again

--------

And of course, for those interested:

Vocals: MXL V67G>M-Audio DMP3
Guitar: MXL V67G>M-Audio DMP3
Bongos: SM-57 2 or 3 inches away, V67 a bit further back to pick up the room ambience>DMP3
Keys: SM-57>DMP3

Hey, I never claimed to have the world's biggest gear collection. :D
 
I liked it

I put a post up saying that it was difficult to critique lyrics without hearing the song. I looked at your lyrics and must admit I thought they were a bit naff but I downloaded the song and I liked it. I thought the lyrics were in context and I liked the bongos/ drums. Guitar playing and chord changes worked with the voice.

Good stuff.
 
i just heard a Korn released, kids-nursery tune...
90's XTC did Peter Pumpkin head which was a big hit..

it was pretty good... yeah, the music and tones make a huge difference.
words can be quite misleading.

how'd you come across this idea?
the recording kept it interesting, nice break with the "and did you see..him...".

a good word-practice is to right different type lyrics over the same song.
Third person,first person, last person, no person...all that crap.
 
Personally, I liked the lyrics better than the song, but that could just be because it isn't my style. It sounded fine and I do agree that the chords go well with the vocals. It is constructed well.

Anyway, I found one thing that you might want to consider with the lyrics:

"Did you see him
Lying THERE in his shattered shell
Did you' believe in
The story THESE cracks can tell"

The word "there" distances the subject from yourself or from the audience, but then the word "these" eliminates that distance. I think the words "there" and "those" need to go together because the both consistently create a distance between the subject and the viewer, or the words "here" and "these" should go together because they both consistently eliminate that distance. Now, I would suggest changing the word "these" to the word "those" instead of changing the word "there" to the word "here", but that is, of course, just a suggestion. Having the two words "there" and "these" within the same few lines is like saying this:

I (blah blah blah) YOU
YOU are (blah blah blah)
I (blah blah blah) HIM. (with the him still referring to the you)

Generally, "I's" and "you's" stay together and "he/she's" and "him/her's" stay together and do not mix, unless deemed appropriate to do so.

So, this is the only suggestion I really have to give you and it is just petty grammar stuff. So, I think you are doing pretty good. Keep on keeping on.

~lauren
 
sounds like Macca

hey that was great i really enjoyed that. I reckon you sound like Paul McCartney in that song. I love the Beatles and I Paul McCartney is my Idol.
And it just reminded me of him great work. Backer
 
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