Been a while, here's a sone I'm in the middle of writing

[Enchilada]

Been a while, here's a song I'm in the middle of writing

Hey all,
Its been a while since I've posted on these forums. Got a song I'm writing at the moment and I'm interested to see how much you guys can tear it to pieces.

This is a hip-hop song so the lyrics will be rapped and one thing you'll have to remember is that I'm Australian so some things that rhyme in my accent may not rhyme in the American accent so, yeah here's my verse so far:

Sometimes I think that the past had it in for me
A dark shadowed history, can't fathom mysteries
A single flower blooms in a drought stricken plain
Without a little rain, it’s bound to wither, fade

If a storm is welcomed with all of its might
Before the last petal falls it drinks the water of life
But even inside a metal cage we're never safe
Every single variable demonstrates a weather change

Lost in perplexity effortlessly in murder scenes
The only certainty is the uncertainty of earthly beings
Day to day, week to week, month to month I'm craftily
Enticed by the things that always destroy a part of me

Comradery lit the way like a lantern it was a grand turn
The day a man learnt he can stand firm
The scene's red not wearing black. You're staring at.
Another life form in the desolate track that's grown its petals back


Cheers!
Ench

 

[mikeh]

I really enjoyed reading your words.

While I tend to be a fan of more structured, disiplined writing in which the story has a start, middle and end (which this particular set of lyrics does not achieve) many of your lyrics are unique. Your last line about "another life form" does suggest a new start, in itself perhaps a fitting end of the story.

As a reader - I have difficulty understanding exactly your point (other than a dark portrait of someone with a less than happy view of the world - although that is often the point of "rap" material, which often comes from a darker view of life). However that is not a critque - simply an observation.

That being said, as indicated I did enjoy several of your phrases.

 

[mjr]

I really enjoyed reading your words.

While I tend to be a fan of more structured, disiplined writing in which the story has a start, middle and end (which this particular set of lyrics does not achieve) many of your lyrics are unique. Your last line about "another life form" does suggest a new start, in itself perhaps a fitting end of the story.

As a reader - I have difficulty understanding exactly your point (other than a dark portrait of someone with a less than happy view of the world - although that is often the point of "rap" material, which often comes from a darker view of life). However that is not a critque - simply an observation.

That being said, as indicated I did enjoy several of your phrases.

Yeah, I'd concur with mikeh. I like how you phrased some of the lines, and it seems to have a good "flow" to it.

 

[Freddy]

Rap isn't my "thing" but I did like this.

Far from being a dark view, I read it more as an anthem to survival and adaptability ... what doesn't kill me makes me stronger.

 

[Enchilada]

Thanks guys! Yeah I tend to mix it up with my writing. Sometimes I write lyrics where there are structured story lines, characters and the like but this one is more a commentary that is supposed to emulate what a person's inners thoughts would be like. I think a person's deep inner thoughts wouldn't be structured with a beginning, middle and end so I chose for this song to do the same.
Its about a lot of different things. For me, I don't often like to go into what my songs are about too much but more see what others can take from it themselves. The end does symbolise a new beginning and also kind of supposed to have a "what doesn't kill me" vibe

 

[Gorty]

Hey all,
Its been a while since I've posted on these forums. Got a song I'm writing at the moment and I'm interested to see how much you guys can tear it to pieces.

This is a hip-hop song so the lyrics will be rapped and one thing you'll have to remember is that I'm Australian so some things that rhyme in my accent may not rhyme in the American accent so, yeah here's my verse so far:

Sometimes I think that the past had it in for me
A dark shadowed history, can't fathom mysteries
A single flower blooms in a drought stricken plain
Without a little rain, it’s bound to wither, fade

If a storm is welcomed with all of its might
Before the last petal falls it drinks the water of life
But even inside a metal cage we're never safe
Every single variable demonstrates a weather change

Lost in perplexity effortlessly in murder scenes
The only certainty is the uncertainty of earthly beings
Day to day, week to week, month to month I'm craftily
Enticed by the things that always destroy a part of me

Comradery lit the way like a lantern it was a grand turn
The day a man learnt he can stand firm
The scene's red not wearing black. You're staring at.
Another life form in the desolate track that's grown its petals back


Cheers!
Ench

The syllables don't line up, then again in rap they hardly ever do.

 

[Whatmysay]

I am not a fan (even though I still write them) of linear narratives in songs. I know people love stories, but we live in a far more visual age and this song is really cinematographic – building up images that connect with emotions directly. As opposed to giving me information that builds the narrative logically.

It is sort of cyclical like the nature you describe. Great metaphors. My only question (more than a suggestion) is does it need a hook?

Has the drought broken out there in Wagga Wagga recently? I remember the one braking in ’86 when I was in Bathurst, of cause it led to floods. I still remember watching big drops kick up the dust in a barren field, and the ground just sucking it up.

I lived away from Aus so long I’d forgotten how natural images can permeate your work – all I got in Hong Kong is cityscape.

 

[Enchilada]

The syllables don't line up, then again in rap they hardly ever do.

Not sure exactly what you mean. Sometimes I find that in hip-hop lyrics it can be hard to see exactly how the rhyme schemes work until you hear them being performed. If you're saying that every line doesn't have the same number of syllables then that's a good thing because then my lines would be too clockwork and get boring.

And please lets not bring opinions of hip-hop being a lower form of music. Believe me I understand the frustration. After almost every show we perform we have kids that have no idea about musical theory, probably failed standard English in year 9 and listen to way too much eminem bug the hell out of me to listen to their verses/beats. Don't get me wrong, I'm nice to everybody buy it gets so damn tiresome. I think that there are a lot of people giving hip-hop a bad name and for me that includes 99% of mainstream hip-hop.

Sorry for the rant, I just don't like hip-hop being put in a box because it can be such a positive thing when utilised correctly. I never rap about "bitches", guns or gangs because I have no personal experience with those things. Hip-hop lyrics should be a reflections of ones self.
To be perfectly honest I used to have zero respect for hip-hop artists back in my rock days. I never realised how much skill it actually took.

Anyway I'm going to stop now because I don't think anybody will listen to what I have to say. At the end of the day, you all have every right to have no respect for hip-hop artists because that's your opinion. All I ask is that if I'm to post lyrics for your critique, try not to judge them based on what style of music they're destined for but judge them on their content.

Thanks,
Ench

 

[Enchilada]

I am not a fan (even though I still write them) of linear narratives in songs. I know people love stories, but we live in a far more visual age and this song is really cinematographic – building up images that connect with emotions directly. As opposed to giving me information that builds the narrative logically.

It is sort of cyclical like the nature you describe. Great metaphors. My only question (more than a suggestion) is does it need a hook?

Has the drought broken out there in Wagga Wagga recently? I remember the one braking in ’86 when I was in Bathurst, of cause it led to floods. I still remember watching big drops kick up the dust in a barren field, and the ground just sucking it up.

I lived away from Aus so long I’d forgotten how natural images can permeate your work – all I got in Hong Kong is cityscape.

Thanks, glad you can appreciate what I was aiming to do with this song. The hook is a work in progress. The hardest this about writing the hook for a hip-hop song is that if its not extremely catchy, nobody will really listen to your verses. I've got some Ideas in the pipes, will post once its a little more refined. This is only the first verse too. At this stage I'm not sure if I want to get Sheldon, the other half of my hip-hop duo, to write a verse or if I want this to be a solo track. At this stage I think I'm leaning toward the latter but its always interesting to see what another person can bring to a song.

No love on breaking the drought, it's very much beyond a joke now.

I used to study at Charles Sturt in Bathurst, nice town (apart from race weekend).

 

[Whatmysay]

Small world, I went to Sturt as well – but it was Mitchell CAE back then. What you study? I did Theatre/Media. Yeah Race Weekend was always a bit disturbing.

 

[Enchilada]

HAHA you're a T/M!!! They're all nuts!!!!!! Did they still all go the Tats? (my ex g/f was a T/M). I did Business(Accounting)

 

[Whatmysay]

No it was 'The Railway" in my day. Or the "Park" public bar - I played rugby and did a Marketing major so I was bilingual - I could talk arty or biso! Yeah I think we were all fuckin nuts!

 

[Enchilada]

Ahh, fair enough. Us bizos didn't associate too much with the T/Ms but I was down with both because of the g/f