Any thoughts welcome....anything...

J

Jimmy D.

New member
I'm working on the music, but as little as I've done in the past - you know, the doubts concerning 'poetry or crap', etc.. are naggin' me..

Crouched alone by the dirty school
mind swirling a hurricane spool
inward stare through the eyes of a fool

Twinkle all but lost
A livin' has its cost

Still yearned to hear her name -
calls out loud his angel with no blame


A callused look and a sloppy air
repeats in those who hold no care
The ends are bitter. And all is fair

in battle, not in love
upon him like a dove

willing she'd turn home again
and gave just due to his angel with no blame


Forewarned years spinning life and sleep
to re-live one seconds tick so deep
so long-lost his faith will leap

a wish that came too late
remove the curse, fell fate

Wounds burn like a flame
Bed is made without his angel with no blame.
 
I don't think it's bad, but there are a few things I think are confusing.

Normally, if I use a third person like a 'she' in my lyrics, it is clearly present. Over here, you have the she person a couple of times, but then a few verses she isn't mentionned. I usually avoid coming up with a third person if I notice I won't use it often.
The same with the 'he' in your song.

I'm not really keen on your first sentence, but there is some good stuff in here...
 
Thanks Brett - I get what you're saying, and I've started messing around a little more. Your thoughts have helped quite a bit..

Jim
 
Definite "tense" issues as mentioned. What about some more defined resolution? Alot of questions and no answers. If that is how it is, then fine. However, when writting in the past tense (s the latter portion does) I look for some sort of solid ending.

Just a few thoughts,
Nice writting.

Theron.
 
Thanks Theron

I appreciate your comments. I sort of was thinking of a 'sad & sorry lesson' as I guess unresolved in the traditional sense..

But I'm still working!!

Thanks,
Jim
 
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