anxiety - the death of a musician?

_brian_

_brian_

Member
i didn't know where else i could post this, but what the hell

when i was younger i did play live a few times, each time i was scared though, but i'm of the opinion it perhaps would have gotten easier the more i did it. the band members i had were not the type to work hard though so i liquidated the band.

not long after i suffered a nervous breakdown, i suffered severe panic attacks and became agoraphobic.

now, i have talent, i can play around 5 instruments, i write and record everything myself, and the people who hear my stuff always say things like - i thought you were good, but i wasn't expecting that, or you should send that into a record label.

but now at this moment in time i know i wouldn't be able to even play live. it's all i want to do - play my stuff live and tour with the hope of getting a contract, but i feel so overwhelmed - almost like i've been given a disability of some kind. i dont suffer the panic attacks, but i'm on the edge of them sometimes, i have learnt to control them better.

i have to drink a lot even to do karaoke now, even then it seems too much for me. all i want to do is sing and play my own stuff with a backing band of 3, i have the talent, and am sure if i really worked at my instrument and singing ability i would be more than passable.

but, is there no way back now? has anyone had any experiance with this that can give me some advice or help?

many thanks
 
They have meds and counseling for stuff like that if you can't overcome it on your own.

I had a short period of anxiety attacks back in the early '90s, but it wasn't from any specific fear...it was mainly stress related from a job I was in that was kinda stifling me and I needed to get out of it. I guess it was fear of being stuck in that job forever! :D

Anyway...before I knew it was anxiety...it was kinda freaky, and there was concern it was something physically wrong, but once it was identified as just anxiety and panic attacks...it stopped instantly and I never had them again. Once I knew what it was, it was easy for me to face it and get past it.

You seem to know what it is...so face it and get past it. Start small...do private gigs with friends, family...then move to smaller public venues. Work your way into it. Maybe find a partner and do some duo stuff....then move on to bands.

That said...there use to be a guitar player in one of my bands who was really good and could play without a hitch during rehearsals, yet every time we had a gig, he would choke up and play like shit. After a bunch of gigs he decided to quit the band and he never played out again.
 
You probably should not play live. Sounds like your medical condition is to debilitating.
 
Hey, I agree with miroslav, and I think that you seem to have identified the problem and it's just a matter of telling yourself you WILL play live. I've dealt with anxiety in the past, and have even had a few, I guess you can say "panic attacks" when I've been really high. I would build up this anxiety because I thought there was something wrong with me physically, but really I was just high and allowed myself to think and feel those negative emotions which drew me back to this nervous and fearful feeling. Nothing ever happened to me seriously except embarrassing myself in front of family and friends, and after really analyzing what had happened, I overcame this. So, I don't think you have to worry about your future just believe in yourself and eventually you will too, and you'll be stronger cause of it.
 
Thanks for the advice guys, much appreciated, I'm thinking about even going busking somewhere i wont be recognised. there will be less pressure as people are not paying to see me - i'll just be there in the background.

the reason i guess i feel anxiety and panicky about all of this is i dont want to let anyone down who has come to the pub to see a band and i dont want to make a fool of myself.
 
Love the Johnny Depp as Hunter S. Thompson icon, by the way.

From your post, it appears you have something more than simple anxiety working against you. Not to point out the obvious, but to say that the idea of busking, and the suggestions offered here, are certainly good ones, but you may well progress farther and faster if you get some professional help. "Good on you" for taking the first step, and being open and honest, here. A cognitive behavioral therapist may be a good bet for you- he or she will have training and experience to help guide you in the most productive course. He or she need not be a MD/psychiatrist- if your therapist feels you would benefit from medication, he/she should be able to refer you to a psychiatrist who can write the 'script. Your therapist may also suggest a group therapy or support group.

But, I don't think it is realistic, or very constructive, to think that one can just pull one's self up by the bootstraps, in many cases. Mental health is as important to our happiness and productivity as physical health- if you had a pulled muscle in your back, you might just take ibuprofen for a few days, until you woke up one morning and realized the pain was not there- but if you were in so much pain you could not stand up, you'd probably call your doctor's office and request an appointment, that very day. There comes a point where we need professional help, and this certainly applies to our mental health. IMO, you are past the self-help stage. You might be able to just "get past it," but it seems doubtful, and would probably take a very long time. (This is not intended as a slam at anyone who has posted here. If anyone is offended, please accept my apology.)

Don't get discouraged, but you will almost certainly have setbacks and false starts, along the way. Even with professional help, you may feel like the process is taking too long, too. Remind yourself (your therapist will probably gently remind you, too) that this condition did not just come on, overnight- it will take time and work to correct it.

In summation, your first step should be to find a good therapist, who can guide you through the process of returning to good mental health- you will like progress further and faster.

Good luck in your quest, and please do keep us abreast of your progress.
 
_brian_ said:
...and i dont want to make a fool of myself.
Click to expand...

You know what...practice making a fool of yourself! :)
IOW...learn to laugh at your screw-ups and if they happen in front of an audience, use them to your advantage, like any good comic would. There are pros who screw up, and they just roll with it...it's being human.

I remember one time we were playing out and went into a song (can't remember which one)...and from the first beat, the performance was just out of sync and sounding like shit. I stopped the band, walked up to the
mic and said, "Let's take it from the top and do it right"...the crowed loved it.
People don't mind seeing a little imperfection, it actually lets them connect with you better.
 
You won't make a fool of yourself. Because once you're up there, no matter how fast your heart is beating, no matter how scared you are, you're gonna forget about the people watching you from the outside, and it'll just be you alone on stage.

And singing or playing an instrument is like riding a bike. If you're good, it doesn't matter if you're having a heart attack or you're being chased by a hyena, the music is gonna come out from inside you, despite everything else.

That's what I believe anyway.
 
Hi brian,
First, in the interest of being completely honest, I have to say that I am a psychotherapist, and second, I want to make it clear that I am NOT giving you clinical advice here - that would be unethical.

I'm posting here for several reasons. First, I hope that sharing (in a very general way) some of my experience with clients affected by anxiety might be encouraging to you; second, I have had a similar, though not identical, experience to yours as a musician in that I have gigged on only a couple of occasions in my life, and am quite apprehensive when I do (every few years) - so, I think that I can relate to you in that respect, too.

I'm an O.K. songwriter, but a terrible musician - so your superior musical skills mean that we differ in one respect!

From what you have said about yourself, I would agree with you that performing regularly in front of people would probably help to diminish the anxiety to a significant extent, although it might not get rid of the anxiety fully. And only you can decide whether or not that would be a worthwhile pursuit for you. Don't forget that many, many experienced performers experience 'stage fright'/anxiety regularly.

I would also offer the idea that people are different, so, while some people who are affected by anxiety to X degree might take a certain amount of time to get to a point where they can deal with anxiety productively, others might take a shorter or longer time to get to the same point, or might not reach that point at all.

I took your idea of doing some busking as a reflection of a kind of experience that you felt would push you outside your comfort zone, but in a way that you anticipate you could tolerate (please correct me if I have not understood what you are saying about that). Personally, I feel that most people will have a greater chance of success in dealing with uncomfortable situations if they try to do so in this kind of way (incrementally).

And being 'successful' at dealing with certain situations might mean different things to different people - for some it the goal might be to 'get past' or 'work through' some difficulties, and leave them 'behind', while for others it might make more sense to think of developing 'coping skills' or ways of accommodating the difficulties to the extent that they no longer have the power that they used to have.

My practice has taught me that the way that we deal with our problems depends on a number of factors such as one's philosophy/outlook/perspective on ourselves and the world, and that this also depends on the goals to which we aspire. Also, some people are comforted by the thought that problems do not necessarily have to have a permanent effect on them throughout their lives, while others have a different perspective. There is nothing wrong or right here, in my opinion.

Wow, that's a lot! I hope that that's clear.

I have seen A LOT of people who have been affected by anxiety deal successfully with that, and I have seen a few who have been severely, chronically and acutely affected remain at the mercy of that condition.

You are clear about the following:
1. You HAD "a nervous breakdown" and panic attacks and agoraphobia, and, if I understand what you are saying, these no longer define your experience (at least in the way that they did then)

2. You have played your music to people (even if that is via sound files, as opposed to playing live in front of people, you are still exposing yourself to an audience - and potential criticism - this, in my experience, takes guts, although you might not even think of it that way).

3. You have got up in front of people to sing Karaoke - now, while I think that drinking in order to do this is not a great thing to do - the fact that you have done this obviously shows that you are willing to take on daunting, anxiety provoking tasks like this, despite the upsetting parts of this kind of experience (I could say and ask a lot about this, but this isn't the place to do so).

4. You are clear that "all i want to do is sing and play my own stuff with a backing band of 3, i have the talent, and am sure if i really worked at my instrument and singing ability i would be more than passable".

Perhaps there is a way that you can enhance your existing ability to perform in front of small groups of people, and use that for fun, while using your recordings to try to secure a songwriting contract. In other words, maybe you could take some pressure off yourself by keeping live performing as an activity that is not tied to you earning a living, and you could use your recordings to generate income (I realize that this might mean that those recordings might become demos for other artists, so that might not suit what you want to do).

Anyway, those are just some thoughts.

Keep on trucking, and listen to your gut.

All the best,
GVDV.
 
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