A rough chorus for song about addiction

C

Cosmic

Active member
Hi All,

This is a first sketch for the chorus of a song having to do with alcoholism. Please let me know what you think:

In your mind, a tiny figure
Knocking on a door
To an elusive room
On an imagined floor,
In that room are all the things
You'll ever do or be,
And also all the horrors
That will never set you free,
Until you learn to like what's in the mirror
More than you like what's in the glass.


Copyright 2007@Cosmic.

Thanks.
 
i'm confused.

are you saying an addict is not in control of their actions? That the homunculus chooses to open or not open a door? or that you can force your homunculus to open the door to both the good and the bad?
 
An addict is not in control of their actions. If they were, they wouldn't be addicts.

The chorus is to suggest the 'epicenter' of the mind where the irrational and the rational are fighting it out.
Hence the figure and the room.

Please, any further comments are helpful. It keeps me 'fresh' in looking at the words.

Best,
C.
 
I just finished up a song called Sweet Addiction so this is very familiar right now.

It reads like a pre-chorus plus chorus because there's a build up to the ultimate question.

Very cool - keep going. :cool:

_________________
My Songs are here
 
I like it. There's a nice rhythm to it, and a fairly smooth feel. The last two lines are a nice play on words.

It seems unfinished, the last two lines seem like a fresh sentence, rather than the end of the lines before, and I'm left with a feeling there should be another couplet that matches them. I will assume that the music smooths this out.

The only thing that really stuck out as disquieting in my mind was the word "horrors". No particular reason for disliking it (although I was sort of expecting "monsters"), it just struck me as out of place.

Your song though. Pay no attention to me.
 
Thank you everyone for your input so far.

I will work further, but I am happy that it alreday strikes some of you as promising.

Best,
C.
 
hmmm...i've written things like this.

its methaphor theme uses visual words, but still doesn't connect or make a story into a way to be interpreted easily. it's like a picture of different metaphors.

i like it when it seems like an allegorical story and not just a picture. it gets put together, even though it may not make be interpreted right off the bat.

and when it makes the story...it can be interpreted in whatever you want...

anyways..that's just what i get from reading it
 
Yeah, keep at it. I agree with Ido about the bridge/chorus thing.
My only nit pick would be that "...and also..." is too tame. It reads to me like saying, "... all the pluses are there oh, and by the way there're a few bad things too."
That horror also dwells there needs to either be a surprise OR be clearly foreshadowed even if only a couple of words prior. For example & I apologize for using your words respectively either -

In that room are all the things
You'll ever do or be,
All the best and all the horrors
That will never set you free.

OR

In that room are all the things
You'll ever do or be:
All the guilt and horrors
That will never set you free.


From my perspective I'd like:

In your mind, a figure
Knocking on a door
To an obscured room
On a forgotten floor,
In the room are all the things
You'll ever do or be,
All the guilt and horrors
That will not set you free,
Until you like the one in the mirror
More than the one in the glass.

&/or as a later reprise

In your dream, a figure
Opening a door
To a hidden room
On a vacant floor,
In the room are all the things
You'll never do or be,
All the good, the worthy
That could set you free,
Not until you are the one in the mirror
Not the one in the glass.
Copyright 2007@Cosmic.

Now I didn't keep with your scan, metre or rhythm but I'm onlytrying to show what I hear in your lines.
Now, ignore me & go your own way as it's pretty good regardless.
 
Last edited:
Ray,

Thank you for trying out different versions; it is very helpful to look at my own words in someone else's view.

I like the 'until you ARE the one in the mirror....." as a possible alternative to my version.

"And also" will definitely go; grocery list writing...:D

EMusic...more repeat, fewer metaphors; I am getting that from several. I overdid the "imagery" in favor of concrete writing.

Thanks, and Happy New Year,
C.
 
This is probably no help to you at all, but your words inspired me to jot a few myself. Though related not in the right vein, cadence or other similar prose here's what I got.

the memories flooded in
overwhelmed and capsized
emotions till now imprisoned
rushed fluid through the eyes

when the truth hit home
such a shocking suprise
enslaved by a habit
the cage realer than realized

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License.



the harness and the yoke
do not allow that life again
the memories must be erased
the habit a means to that end

fleeting bliss and all is numb
roll of dice and cards are dealt
escape the past once again
and wobble through the burn-out belt

Maybe it will counter-inspire... :p
 
Thanks Ben,

Those are the two lines that came to me first and started the whole thing...they will stay no matter what else I change.

C.
 
Hi Somnium,

The harness and the yoke,
Do not allow that life again,
Blinded by the smoke
Of everything that happened then.

Straight rhyming, but why not...:)

Best,
C.
 
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