31 Views and not one word?

C

Cosmic

Active member
Are you either: so stunned by my genius or so speechless at my incompetence that you can't find anything to say ;)
Someone must have an opinion....anything good or bad is helpful and appreciated.

THESE OLD ROADS


V.1: Friendly houses watch me
Each time I walk on by
The cattle in the meadow knows me well
The wind is slowly changing
I think of all that's gone
The gravel now has one more tale to tell.

Chorus: We should have walked these old roads together
With seagulls listening in the sky
With the sun, the fields and the heather
These old roads would have helped us say goodbye.

V.2.: Out of new beginnings
Or maybe out of heart
Too weary to get up for one more try
A million miles between us
If one thing could be changed
This is where we should have let it die.

Chorus: We should have walked these old roads together
With seagulls listening in the sky
With the sun, the fields and the heather
These old roads would have helped us say goodbye.

Bridge: I think of how we started
And how this came to pass
Sorrow cuts my mind like broken glass

Chorus,
Diff key: We should have walked these old roads together
With seagulls listening in the sky
With the sun, the fields and the heather
These old roads would have helped us say goodbye.

Repeat: These old roads would have helped us say.....
Goodbye.


End.



@2005. C. Harding.
 
Ok well right off the bat the first thing that hit me is the line about the cattle. I don' know if it's a typo or not, but you have "the cattle knows me well." "Cattle" is a plural (refers to more than one cow or animal), so it should be "know" instead of "knows."


Now that I've gotten that out of the way ... (sorry, I'm an editor ... I can't help it.)

I generally don't like reviewing lyrics without hearing the music, but I know what it's like for no one to respond to your post, so ...

Here are some lines that I think are a bit weak or awkward:

"The wind is slowly changing" (ehh ... "changing?" ... into what? Seems like another word would work better there.)

The line about the gravel just seems like a bit of stretch.

"Too weary to get up for one more try." (It's the "get up" part that seems to come out of nowhere. I don't know what you mean by "get up." The only thing I can think of it get out of bed, but that doesn't seem to make sense.)

"Sorrow cuts my mind like broken glass." (cuts your mind? I know "heart" would be very cliched, but "mind" seems like an odd choice. Maybe just "cuts me like" or just "cuts like" or ... I don't know ... the broken glass metaphor is a little tired.)


Now here are some things I liked:

The whole chorus is nice.

I liked the "out of new beginnings" and "out of heart" bit ... but at first I didn't quite get what you meant. I first read it to kind of mean that something had sprung from the new beginnings and heart .... as in "out of fairness, I think that blah blah blah." But now I think you mean that you've run out of new beginnings and run out of heart ... is that right? If so, maybe you could clarify it just a tad. It could be something as simple as saying "I'm out of new beginnings" or "We're out of new beginnings" or something like that.

Anyway, like I said ... I really hate reading lyrics without hearing the context, because that changes a lot.

Is this a country song?

All in all, nice job. Take all my comments with a grain of salt!
 
I was going to comment but then saw that Famous B had made exactly the points I was going to make (which is weird because i am a full time writer and he is an editor, so I ought to disagree wih everything he says ;)).

There is a theme of some merit in this but it needs a lot of work. (IMHO, of course.)

[edited because this pro writer can't even f@8king well spell :rolleyes:]
 
I think it is very difficult to assess lyrics on their own unless you are looking for a direct critique of the lyrics. To me that is always half the picture - I have seen (and I think written) lyrics that seem a little odd or even disconnected but come together in context when put to music and sung.

Have you got a recording of this song that we can listen to?
 
wilco, GS, fb, thanks for all your comments.

Yep, the cattle line is a typo.
The wind will now be 'turning' :cool:
I'll re-do the bridge; I liked it less and less after writing it.
The 'getting up' line will be reworked; I agree it is awkward.

Thanks again; helpful input from all,

Best,
Cosmic.
 
I'll give it a shot. Though much of what I would say has already been said. (The cattle thing, for example.) Keep in mind that 1. They're your lyrics--don't pay me no mind if you don't want to. 2. I don't know the restrictions of your music, so if I add or remove a word that doesn't fit the meter and rhythm--don't pay me no mind. I like it over all.

The first 3 lines are talking about familiarity, and you have houses and cattle.
I would add "But" to the Wind line to contrast it from the first three, otherwise one can get the feeling that changing wind was another familiar part of town. BTW, in contrast to Famous Beagle above, I understood the "winds changing" bit as referring to direction and thought it worked well as a part of a town scene and indicating life changes as well. (But I sing old sea chantys where winds change all the time--familiar territory.)
The next two lines have a weakness hard to describe, so bear with me. The "all that's gone" line seems trite, but something similar seems almost necessary to getting your point across. Then the gravel line comes up out of the blue. Now I like the gravel line alot, but it needs some introduction (more than the Title, at least) and the line above it seems the only place this could happen. Perhaps throwing the song title in at line 5? "And as I go down these old roads" or some such. Maintains the Town thing, introduces gravel, connects it all up.

I like the chorus--sounds vaguely Irish or Scottish to me (who else uses "heather"?) and I love Celtic tunes. Also the familiarity theme of these old roads (as in, you've walked them before) makes the "goodbye" a surprise. One normally thinks of familiar things rekindling--helping get back together (your first line even uses that word). But you surprise the listener--I think it's great.

More later.
 
The 2nd verse seems a little out of theme, as was hinted at before by Garry. You are writing about roads and walking in the first verse, in the 2nd you're "Too weary to get up for one more try"--in other words, stationary.

I agree that the first two lines are a bit confusing. I read them like "a man out of the west" as opposed to your intent (I assume) of "we're out of butter." If the meter allows "we're" or something as the first word to the first line, that would clarify them both, I think. Again, they're your lyrics. Pay no attention to me.
The third line has been discussed.
The last 3 lines leave me wondering a bit. A million miles between us--how'd that happen? If one thing could be changed--what one thing? What would happen if it was? This is where we should...Where is "This". It seems unresolved. Just sort of hanging there with unanswered questions. Perhaps another verse would address those issues.
The bridge--How what came to pass? (might have been explained in the previous verse, I suppose.) I assume you mean how you came to part ways, but following the first line my initial impressions was that "this" referred to your starting. (Hmmm. start, part and heart all rhyme. Does that help?)

Final question: How would walking these old roads have helped you say goodbye? An answer there might tie everything together.

Overall, I really like it. Tough to consider without the music behind it, but I think it's gonna be pretty good when you decide how you like it best.

And of course, they're your lyrics, so pay no attention to me.
 
What are you doing?

Cosmic said:
Are you either: so stunned by my genius or so speechless at my incompetence that you can't find anything to say ;)
Someone must have an opinion....anything good or bad is helpful and appreciated.

THESE OLD ROADS


V.1: Friendly houses watch me
Each time I walk on by
The cattle in the meadow knows me well
The wind is slowly changing
I think of all that's gone
The gravel now has one more tale to tell.

Chorus: We should have walked these old roads together
With seagulls listening in the sky
With the sun, the fields and the heather
These old roads would have helped us say goodbye.

V.2.: Out of new beginnings
Or maybe out of heart
Too weary to get up for one more try
A million miles between us
If one thing could be changed
This is where we should have let it die.

Chorus: We should have walked these old roads together
With seagulls listening in the sky
With the sun, the fields and the heather
These old roads would have helped us say goodbye.

Bridge: I think of how we started
And how this came to pass
Sorrow cuts my mind like broken glass

Chorus,
Diff key: We should have walked these old roads together
With seagulls listening in the sky
With the sun, the fields and the heather
These old roads would have helped us say goodbye.

Repeat: These old roads would have helped us say.....
Goodbye.


End.



@2005. C. Harding.
Click to expand...

Its about the music not the words. I wonder what your music is like. Obviously if you're stressed about the words the music is shitty. -- Beau
 
Its about the music not the words. I wonder what your music is like. Obviously if you're stressed about the words the music is shitty.
Click to expand...

If this is serious, it was totally uncalled for (and totally a matter of opinion at that).
 
I'd take famous beagle's advice and then record it. I can read lyrics all day, but it's hard for me to put the lyrics and the music together because every artist has his or her own interpretation of the final outcome and it's very easy to misinterpret it.
 
Folkie, thanks so much for your detailed critique; you make some valid, thought-provoking points and I will keep them in mind as i keep tweaking.

FB, I see what you mean as well, one trap I tend to fall into is to assume people will understand the full meaning behind a line. Sometimes it pays to be literal :)

Everybody, thanks again; you've given me food for thought.
TaoManna, I appreciate the link; I will check it out.

Best,


CC
 
first impression of the first 3 paragraphs. 1 you are in 1st person time is now. in 2 you change to 'us' and speak of the past, in 3 you are staying w/ the 'we' and 'us' but the scene is gone and you're in abstract land or in your head and the good start w/ specifics in a time frame has changed and I don't know what's going on, there are no more concrete details that were in your strong start. Ya lost me.
 
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