Jokes!!
- Thread starter elbandito
- Start date
BroKen_H
Re-member
My friend goes in for oral surgery tomorrow. You see, it all started when he was sitting on a barstool, minding his own business, drinking his beer. Then this ugly biker girl walks up behind him and slaps him on the ass and says, "Hey honey, can I get your number?" He asks her, "Do you have a pen?" She says, "Sure." and then he tells her she needs to get back in it before the farmer realizes she's missing...
dachay2tnr
One Hit Wonder
My new neighbors, the two cute, young lesbians next door, asked me what I would like as a welcoming gift.
I was quite surprised, when they gave me a Timex!
It was very nice of them, but I'm pretty sure that they misunderstood me when I said: "I wanna watch !"
I was quite surprised, when they gave me a Timex!
It was very nice of them, but I'm pretty sure that they misunderstood me when I said: "I wanna watch !"
BroKen_H
Re-member
When I shower, I first wash my hair. Then I rinse and the shampoo runs all down my body. Today, I noticed that there is a warning right on the bottle. "For extra body and volume."
No wonder I've been gaining weight! Well, I threw that out and replaced it with Dawn. It's label reads, "Dissolves fat that is otherwise hard to remove." Sounds perfect.
No wonder I've been gaining weight! Well, I threw that out and replaced it with Dawn. It's label reads, "Dissolves fat that is otherwise hard to remove." Sounds perfect.
MrUserNameIV
SenselessActsOfCreation
A family walks into a talent agency and say they have a new act. The talent agent says "Ok, let's see it."
. . . They perform a really violent politically incorrect act that is sure to gross out and disgust audiences nation wide and then someone poops on the floor in several creative ways. . .
The performers who are still alive stand up and take a bow. "TA DA!"
The talent agent sits back, and says. . . "That's quite an act you've got there. What do you call yourselves?"
The father wipes the sweat and blood off his brow and says "THE ARISTOCRATS!!!"
. . . They perform a really violent politically incorrect act that is sure to gross out and disgust audiences nation wide and then someone poops on the floor in several creative ways. . .
The performers who are still alive stand up and take a bow. "TA DA!"
The talent agent sits back, and says. . . "That's quite an act you've got there. What do you call yourselves?"
The father wipes the sweat and blood off his brow and says "THE ARISTOCRATS!!!"
Anticleon
Member
AM I AT FAULT ??
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth
~ George Burns
I envy people who drink - at least they know what to blame everything on
~ Oscar Levant
I only take a drink on two occasions - when I'm thirsty and when I'm not
~Brendan Behan
Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy!
~ Frank Sinatra
I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me
~ Winston Churchill
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
-Kinky Friedman
Dear Alcohol, we had a deal, you were going to make me funnier, sexier, more intelligent and a better dancer. I saw the video, we need to talk
-Anonymous
I used to think drinking was bad for me. So I gave up thinking.
Anonymous
I would date you, but my heart already belongs to Johnny Walker
-Anonymous
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Anonymous
You look like I need another drink ! Anonymous
I say NO to alcohol, but it just doesn't listen!!
.
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth
~ George Burns
I envy people who drink - at least they know what to blame everything on
~ Oscar Levant
I only take a drink on two occasions - when I'm thirsty and when I'm not
~Brendan Behan
Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy!
~ Frank Sinatra
I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me
~ Winston Churchill
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
-Kinky Friedman
Dear Alcohol, we had a deal, you were going to make me funnier, sexier, more intelligent and a better dancer. I saw the video, we need to talk
-Anonymous
I used to think drinking was bad for me. So I gave up thinking.
Anonymous
I would date you, but my heart already belongs to Johnny Walker
-Anonymous
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Anonymous
You look like I need another drink ! Anonymous
I say NO to alcohol, but it just doesn't listen!!
.
BroKen_H
Re-member
Boudreau went into the big city to get supplies to hunt de duck. While he was there, he saw a sexy boutique and thought, "I should get my sweet Marie a beautiful negligee!"
So enter he does, and sees all the beautiful negligees on display. He wanders to each for quite some time until one of the fine ladies of the establishment asks if he could use some help.
"My sweet Marie would look very nice in any of these," he replies, "but how do I decide?"
The clerk tells him that the girls will try on any he is thinking of so that he can make the best decision. So Boudreau has them try on many, many of the beautiful negligees until he has a decision between a smokey, see through and a completely see through.
Finally he says, "The are both so fine, I will just buy them both for my sweet Marie."
When he arrives home, he goes to Marie and says, "Sweet Marie, when I was in de big city, I saw many wonderful things, but I thought of you when I saw these." And he holds out the packages to her.
After opening them and seeing what he had bought, she decided that she would pick one and surprise him with it.
Boudreau goes out to the barn and unloads all the supplies he had bought to hunt de duck and comes back in the house.
Meanwhile Marie has been trying on the two outfits. The smokey one is very revealing and she thinks that maybe it would be too much for her sweet Boudreau. So she tries on the completely transparent one...and thinks, "My, I do not appear to be wearing anything at all." So she decides to completely surprise Boudreau by wearing nothing at all.
She walks into the living room and does her best sexy pose and clears her throat for his attention.
He looks and says, "My sweet Marie, you are a true vision of beauty and seduction, but don't you think you should have ironed it first?"
So enter he does, and sees all the beautiful negligees on display. He wanders to each for quite some time until one of the fine ladies of the establishment asks if he could use some help.
"My sweet Marie would look very nice in any of these," he replies, "but how do I decide?"
The clerk tells him that the girls will try on any he is thinking of so that he can make the best decision. So Boudreau has them try on many, many of the beautiful negligees until he has a decision between a smokey, see through and a completely see through.
Finally he says, "The are both so fine, I will just buy them both for my sweet Marie."
When he arrives home, he goes to Marie and says, "Sweet Marie, when I was in de big city, I saw many wonderful things, but I thought of you when I saw these." And he holds out the packages to her.
After opening them and seeing what he had bought, she decided that she would pick one and surprise him with it.
Boudreau goes out to the barn and unloads all the supplies he had bought to hunt de duck and comes back in the house.
Meanwhile Marie has been trying on the two outfits. The smokey one is very revealing and she thinks that maybe it would be too much for her sweet Boudreau. So she tries on the completely transparent one...and thinks, "My, I do not appear to be wearing anything at all." So she decides to completely surprise Boudreau by wearing nothing at all.
She walks into the living room and does her best sexy pose and clears her throat for his attention.
He looks and says, "My sweet Marie, you are a true vision of beauty and seduction, but don't you think you should have ironed it first?"
MrUserNameIV
SenselessActsOfCreation
Well maybe the Police Department should be more careful about the cheques they're writing. It's just rude to bounce a check like that. I realize budgets are lower than usual, but I don't want my police ripping off hookers like that. They're lucky she even showed up, being that they're at a police station. What has this world come to? Doesn't anyone have manners anymore?
BroKen_H
Re-member
An old man was eating at a truck stop minding his own business, when three dangerous-looking bikers walked in.
The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into his pie and then took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man, spit into his milk and then took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up to the old man, turned over his plate, and then took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly paid and left the diner.
One of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."
The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into his pie and then took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man, spit into his milk and then took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up to the old man, turned over his plate, and then took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly paid and left the diner.
One of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."