Jokes!!

So, I'm in a bar and two very large women with accents are sitting across from me. I say, "Cool accents, are you two ladies from Scotland?"
One of them yells, "It's Wales! you idiot!"

So I said, "OK, Are you two Whales from Scotland?"

I don't remember much after that.
 
I was having some troubles with my computer the other day, so I asked my thirteen year old to take a look.
Two minutes later he walked out and declared it fixed, and lo and behold, it was.
I asked him what was wrong, and he said it was an id ten t problem.
Well, I figured if I ever had the problem again, I'd just google it and find the problem for myself. So I wrote it down
ID10T...he never was my favorite child anyway.
 
Okay, new holiday, new joke...

12669457_10153871453359250_1614627570676774571_n.jpg


...and just because I'm cruel.

12669621_657696787701556_7063644003796889111_n.jpg
 
So Rodney Dangerfield says 'I don't know what's going on with the world today.
Just the other day my doc says he had six cases of VD just this week!

'Sure he's doing a lot better now but.. "
 
So a man in a frog suit walks into the bank and asks for the loan officer.
The loan officer comes up to him and says, "Hi, I'm Patty Black. How can I help you?"
The man says, "I need a $10,000 loan."
"What have you for collateral?" Patty asks.
The man pulls a small tea set out of his costume.
Patty is flabergasted and asks, "What do you expect me to do with that?"
At which time the bank manager walks by and says...
"It's a nick nack, Patty Black, give the frog a loan!"


12744439_1213430375337270_6331931011403435251_n.jpg
 
A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persisted and asked to see the manager.

The boy said he'd ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager: Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, and this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?

Canada Sir, the boy replied.

Well, why did you leave Canada, the manager asked.

The boy said Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.

Really, said the manager. My wife is from Canada.

‘No shit' replied the boy. Who'd she play for?
 
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.' "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing.

"OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
 
An atheist, a vegan, and a cross fitter walk into a bar. I only know because they told everyone within two minutes.
 
My son asked me today, "Dad, what music did you like growing up?"
"Led Zeppelin," I replied.
"Who?" he said.
"Yeah, I liked them too."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home".
He said: "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome".
"Is it common?" I asked.
"It's not unusual" he replied.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day a government worker was digging through his office drawers when suddenly he came upon a magic lamp. (Oh, c'mon, I'm sure there's one buried in your desk too.) Since he'd heard these jokes before, he knew that he had to rub the lamp and make the genie come out. So he rubbed the lamp and - oh, surprise out popped a genie. The genie asked, as genies will, "What is your first wish?" The government worker thought about it for a second, then replied, "I would like to be rich!" So the genie granted him his wish, and poof the man was surrounded by piles of money rivaling the heaps of even Martha Stewart and Bill Gates. Since the government worker knew the whole wish process, the genie didn't even have to ask for number two before he said, "My second wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command!" And poof, he was there. Then the government worker or, as I like to call him, civil servant decided on his third wish, "I don't want to do any work ever again!" and poof, in an ubiquitous ironic twist he was back in his office.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
 
Fresh from her shower, my wife stood in front of the mirror complaining to me that her breasts were too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, I uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"

Willing to try anything, she fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," I replied.

She stopped.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat I said: "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

I'm still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, I may even walk again although I will probably continue to take my meals through a straw...
 
BroKen_H said:
Welcome back Clean!
Click to expand...

:thumbs up:

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"
 
whats black and white and cant turn around in an elevator?

a nun with a spear through her head.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top