Jokes!!

The first mate asks the ship captain why he always wears a red shirt to fight off pirates.The captain replies, "It keeps the men brave. If I get wounded, you won't see the blood, and you'll keep on fighting."The next day, a fleet of pirate ships appear on the horizon. The first mate says, "Get me my brown pants!"
 
Why is there no CSI Little Rock? They got no dental records and the DNA is all the same. (Told to me by an Arkansas native.)
 
A nun tells other nuns about how she was attacked the night before. She explains her escape, "I stopped and pulled my dress up."Shocked, the other nuns ask, "And then what?""He pulled his pants down," the nun replies, "And then I ran. A nun with her dress up can run much faster than a man with his pants down."
 
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Shaun goes to his Parish Priest and says, " Father, me dog died today. Do you think you could say a few words at Mass tonight?"
The Priest replies, " I'm sorry, but we don't do that here. But there's a new denomination just down the road, you might want to give them a try."
Shaun says, " When I go there Father, do you think that $500.00 would be a worthy donation?"
The Priest replies, " You didn't tell me your dog was Catholic!"
 
Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"Wife : "Those they gave away."Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"Husband : "That's where they held the auction."
 
Mr Clean said:
Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"Wife : "Those they gave away."Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"Husband : "That's where they held the auction."
Click to expand...

I lol'd at that.
 
A *man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"



Rolf Harris was in Tesco last week when a little old lady asked... "Are you that bloke from the 1970's who did 'Two Little Boys'?.

"No" he replied "that was Gary Glitter".
 
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice onreviving her husband's libido.'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.'Not a chance', she said... 'He won't even take an aspirin.''Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'...'What is Irish Viagra?', she asked.It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'It was a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired asto her progress.The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid!Just terrible, doctor!''Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect wasalmost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a twinklein his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arms,he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took methen and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you,an absolute nightmare!''Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husbandprovided wasn't good?''Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sureas I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.
 
This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day: "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!" All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is ATC. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position." She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat." "OK," says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father. . . Who art in Heaven. . . ..."
 
An old man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?"The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand 15 feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond keep moving closer, asking the question until she hears you."The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands 15 feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" No response. He moves to 10 feet behind her and asks again -- no response. Five feet, no answer.Finally, he stands directly behind her and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?"She says, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"
 
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