December's challenge - Joseph's reviews

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Heart and Home
Whatmysay c.2009
1
The first house where we first kissed
We shared with a saxophonist

This is great! It tells the listener, immediately, that the song will be light-hearted and fun.

The rooms were small the walls were thin
And could not hold our dreams within

"The place wasn't much, but that did not deter us from dreaming of bigger and better things." A nice, common theme of an inauspicious start to a life that would become better.

2
The first house where we first loved
We lived beneath a mad landlord
The bed was big the carpet torn
Our dreams and shadows kept us warm

This passage still keeps the focus on the people inside remaining greater than their surroundings.

CH
My heart your home
My arms are walls to keep you safe
This home is yours in our embrace
Though time will wear on castle stone
My heart is here always your home

Overall, I like the chorus a lot. I might change the fourth line to:

As time dissolves all sand and stone

3
The first house where you first dreamt
Was the last house where we paid rent
It looked out on a crystal sea
Then your sister made our family

I take this to mean that your wife's (girlfriend's?) sister either helped you or moved in with you both, somewhere else, and became part of your family.

When rain drops fall, you just call, and we will open our heart
Shelter within, till you begin, to feel the warmth of our love

A nice ending, before returning to the chorus.

Good job! I think you've written a nice song that portrays an unsettled start in your first home, but, through preserverance and family bonding, you overcame the early problems and live a better life now. I look forward to hearing this put to music.

Cheers,
Joseph
 
Thanks Joseph for feedback

I just had to let you know that the song is sung to my eldest daughter about me and her mother V 1 & 2 and herself in V3.

I know there are many shades to the modern family, but if you knew my sister-in-law, you couldn't be further from the truth LOLx2!

I can see now how it is ambiguous and open to interpretation - I'll try to rectify it in the title, wouldn't want there to be any confusion. I did consider "Before you were born"

Cheers

Burt
 
Whatmysay said:
Thanks Joseph for feedback

I just had to let you know that the song is sung to my eldest daughter about me and her mother V 1 & 2 and herself in V3.

I know there are many shades to the modern family, but if you knew my sister-in-law, you couldn't be further from the truth LOLx2!

I can see now how it is ambiguous and open to interpretation - I'll try to rectify it in the title, wouldn't want there to be any confusion. I did consider "Before you were born"

Cheers

Burt
Click to expand...

Ah! That makes perfect sense now, Burt! All the better.

BTW, I think I would rather have my spleen removed than host relatives, so I couldn't agree with you more! :)

Cheers,
Joseph
 
Our first house
FrankieRage c.2009

I took your picture off the wall
it doesn't fit there anymore
although your smile is still the same
it's not for me and now the frame
is lying broken on the floor

I like this. It conveys a sense of loss coupled with... anger? angst? frustration? All three? More? The listener gets to decide. Good stuff.

I smashed a glass and cut my hand
and while I'm trying to deal with that
another bill lands on the mat
reminding me that's all that's left
and that you're never coming home

I might change lines 4 and 5 to:

reminding me of all that's left
I know you're never coming home

...simply to avoid using the word "that" three times in two lines -- assuming it works with the melody. Just a thought.

We broke our hearts in this old house
you the North, me the South
'Uptown Girl' was the song
if you'd like to sing along
I can teach you all the words

I like this whole passage. No changes needed, from my perspective.

BTW, are you a Billy Joel fan? :) I will never forget his video with Christie Brinkley! The entire album "An Innocent Man" was excellent.

I think you have a good set of lyrics, Frankie. I look forward to hearing it with the music. :cool:

Cheers,
Joseph
 
Thank you for your kind words about my lyric. I have made a change straight away based on your feedback and put in an 'it's' instead of a 'that's':

reminding me it's all that's left
and that you're never coming home

..I will also consider further your full amendment.

I do dwell on lines a lot, take a word out, put another in, on and on, ad infinitum! It's a passion! :D

I am a Billy Joel fan and mainly for the album 'An Innocent Man', which I thought was a superb effort by anyones standards. Some great songs on that album that could be hits for anybody.

Fx
 
My First Car
up-fiddler c.2009

My first car was a 59 Chevrolet
It had a little bondo on the right hand side
I installed an AM radio
That 59 Chevy was a hell of a ride.

I'll confess my ignorance here. I was unfamiliar with the term "bondo", so I looked it up!

I was born in the 60s, so my knowledge of the 50s is limited to the great music from that decade, Linda Purl's gorgeous face on Happy Days, and what seems like a universal affection for 59 Chevys! :)

Your first verse is direct and conveys that sense of owner-love for his 59 Chevy.

Chs
It didn’t go fast. We never went far.
But we were captains of the road
In my first car.

I have gained the sense that this is a fast-paced song, perhaps with an element of country music. Am I right? We'll see! :)

WLS the voice of Chicago
Just poured out the rock and roll that we all loved
Volume way up, the muffler was a bit too loud
That four inch speaker was really getting shoved

I like this passage and I am trying to imagine it with a melody. It will be interesting to see how close I am when you post your song, Dave.

So far, the song seems reminiscient of the good times of yesteryear.

BTW, WLS' signal seems to carry forever on clear night.

Three on the tree, the standard way to drive a car.
"Easy on the clutch." The girls are watching now.
Let it out too fast, you ride yourself a shootin' star.
Jerkin’ through the light Like a three legged cow.

Great use of a metaphors!

Empty our pockets, we all chip in for gas.
Forty cents a gallon and we had no cares
Sometimes we’d splurge and put three dollars in
Sails full of wind we could go anywhere.

This verse conveys the fun you were having with your car and in your life at the time. I wonder if it's true that we remember things better (and worse) than they actually were.

One summer day in 1968
I sold her for 30. (But I’d paid a hundred five!)
I held back the tears as I watched them drive away
That light blue Chevy had taught me how to drive.

Sadly, all good things come to an end. This is the point you deliver here.

Nice, Dave! I am very interested to hear how the lyrics will sound when affixed to the melody. :D

Cheers,
Joseph
 
Somewhere
Gecko zzed c.2009

Leather, rubber, oil and dust
Machine Chanel beneath the rust
A carcass rusting in the grass
Silent eyes reflect the past

Gecko, you are the master of descriptive writing, the clever use of metaphors, and making the words gel together. These four lines set the tone for what the song will be about. This is the state of my car today section.

In satin black I drove the streets
Master of this four-wheeled steed
Proud I sat, so high in seat
A windscreen world in front of me

This is the when my car was at its zenith section.

I can easily imagine a good video for this. BTW, is "windscreen" the common term in Oz for "windshield"?

You were a friend to me
But time got in the way
On the outskirts of importance
The threads began to fray
Somewhere the spark went missing
Somewhere the lights grew dim
Though I recall the surge before
Somewhere I just gave in.

Good chorus. It relates the message, "even the things we care about are often taken for granted and allowed to decay as they become lost in time."

Abandoned in a lonely field
Overgrown with tangled weed
A metal hulk that's now a home
To other creatures more in need

This is the fate of my car section.

In chariot I crossed the map
The miles slipped by beneath my feet
I drove for love, I drove too far
The boundaries disappeared

This is the reminiscing section; remembering how good things were.

I liked the way you structured the song...

- state of my car today (what its like now)
- when my car was at its zenith (what it was like then)
- fate of my car (how it became like it is now)
- fondly reminiscing about my car (remembering your times together)

I also liked how you turned the loss of your car into something good by observing that it is "a home to other creatures more in need".

Good stuff, Gecko! After your fun song "Ankle Pants", I am really looking forward to hearing this one put to music! :)

Cheers,
Joseph :)
 
ozspeak...

yup, windscreen is a windshield. My preferred mechanical reference text is "Haynes" which uses brit-speak...

a torch is a flashlight... so whn they say "you shine a torch down the gas tank to see if its empty and the guage isnt reading..." in the states here, a torch is typically a propane torch... LMAO

also, a boot - a trunk

paraffin = diesel fuel or light fuel oil

when the manual said to soak my motorcycle drive chain in paraffin over night to lubricate it, I did... in canning paraffin!! LMAO then i discovered the british to english dictionary in the back of the manual, LMAO

ozzies have their own set of localized vocabulary, but share many british expressions
 
...

yah, Geck impresses me with his lyrics... he is clever, and makes them "fit" nicely, without making them fit TOO much so they resemble poetry... he seems experienced.

anklepants really impressed me too, I am exTREMEly curious what "genre" of music he will put this too... 50's rock? jazz tune? classical? Ballad? he covers some genres, LMAO
 
SEDstar said:
yup, windscreen is a windshield. My preferred mechanical reference text is "Haynes" which uses brit-speak...

a torch is a flashlight... so whn they say "you shine a torch down the gas tank to see if its empty and the guage isnt reading..." in the states here, a torch is typically a propane torch... LMAO

also, a boot - a trunk

paraffin = diesel fuel or light fuel oil

when the manual said to soak my motorcycle drive chain in paraffin over night to lubricate it, I did... in canning paraffin!! LMAO then i discovered the british to english dictionary in the back of the manual, LMAO

ozzies have their own set of localized vocabulary, but share many british expressions
Click to expand...

Thanks, SED. And don't forget the barbie! Heh.

Joseph
 
Don't worry Gecko I understand every word.

Since leaving Sydney 20 years ago I have walked amongst the great dialectically unwashed! My first day in London I was asked what team I rooted for? I said I'd never done it with a jersey on!

My favourite is the British biscuit/cookie called a 'Digestive' - talk about state the obvious - who would eat a biscuit called 'Undigestives'. Certainly upset the semi-colon!

We speak the same language, but we don't!
 
Nifty 50
Nightfire c.2009

Fast cars, and cigarettes
No I never understood the rest
Of the folks of my age, and the folks running cool
A time and place for my soul

This is a good beginning verse. It sets the mood for the whole song. I think it offers a look at your personal connection to fast cars and the good times you associated with them.

When I was only 17,
I set out looking for a beauty queen
A crown of thorns in an old rusted field
Sat the old wreck ‘neath a willowing tree

This is a clever verse that describes how and where you found your first truck. I am left to wonder, though, were you looking for an "old wreck" or something better? Or, is an old wreck "something better" to you?

She’s a nifty 50, with a four on the floor
Runnin on empty down I94
She’ll do no more than 60
And she’s all rusted up
But my old 50 is one fine looking truck

Cool chorus! I can imagine a CW McCall video with these lyrics. I imagine this song might have a folk/country flavor to it. It will be interesting to see how close I am!

I dragged her home, and gave her a wash
I never knew she’d loose paint this fast
Well there wasn’t much to begin with, and not much left
After I pressure washed that old pile of mess

It looks like the old truck has probably lived beyond its best days, but, you rescue it in the next verse!

She had a flathead six, and a three on the tree
A life of her own, running wild and free
Well I changed out the draglink, and I changed the transmission
Soon I was driving, a young man on a mission

Fixed up! A good ending.

I like the lyrics to this song. It has some interesting similiarities with Gecko's, but important differences too. It will be interesting to see how the two contrast and compare in a few weeks.

Cheers,
Joseph :cool:
 
Whatmysay said:
Don't worry Gecko I understand every word.

Since leaving Sydney 20 years ago I have walked amongst the great dialectically unwashed! My first day in London I was asked what team I rooted for? I said I'd never done it with a jersey on!

My favourite is the British biscuit/cookie called a 'Digestive' - talk about state the obvious - who would eat a biscuit called 'Undigestives'. Certainly upset the semi-colon!

We speak the same language, but we don't!
Click to expand...

All I need to know is that Aussie babes and Kiwi dolls have the best accents on God's green earth, down under, down there!

Olivia-Newton John and Kylie Minogue forever! :)

:cool:

Joseph
 
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