Atheist is out for a stroll in the woods when he comes upon a bear. He runs as hard as he can, but trips and lands completely sprawled out on the ground.
Suddenly he screams, "God, I've never believed in you, but if you exist, make this bear a Christian." Time stands still as his request is yelled at the sky.. everything around him slows to a crawl as the bear runs up in slow motion.
The bear stops right next to him, kneels down on two legs, folds the front paws together, bows his head, and as time resumes it's normal rate the bear says, "Father we thank you for this blessing we are about to eat, Amen"...
Bear walks into a bar and says, "Bartender get me a beer!"
Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve bears beer in this bar."
Bear retorts, "See the lady at the end of the bar...if I don't get a beer by the count of three, I'm going to go down there and eat her."
ONE
TWO
THREE!
...and the bear goes to the end of the bar and eats the lady.
As he returns to his stool, he says, "NOW! Get me a beer!"
The bartender calmly replies, "Sorry, we don't serve bears beer in this bar."
Bear growls out, "Okay, then you'll be next."
Bartender says, "I have nothing to fear. You'll be sound asleep soon"
Bear asks, "Why would you say that?"
"That was a bar bitch you ate."