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Thread: Your Thoughts On Some Lyrics Please

  1. #1
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    Smile Your Thoughts On Some Lyrics Please

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    Still working on the music, it's my first song in an alternate tuning (open D) so it's taking some work.

    ------
    9 Days
    ------

    Verse:

    9 Days since you told me you loved me
    And now I feel I should apologise
    I thought you'd held out your hand to guide me
    But I never looked for the lies

    And now you've gone and dropped this bombshell
    Its easy for me to see
    Regardless of what you said
    We were never meant to be

    Chorus:

    Too late, for our love to be real
    What you said, goes back on everythin' you said you feel
    Too late, the message is all to clear
    All I'm left with is the absence of the only thing I held dear

    Verse:

    9 days was all I had
    For me to feel something real
    Now you've gone to say I'm sad
    Would be an understatement of the way I feel

    Outro:

    Too late, your thoughts were all too fake
    Ever knowing you, was my biggest mistake

    --

    Thanks!

  2. #2
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    Hey man...the meter is a little long in spots but the structure is quite sound.

    OK...to be blunt...I think that there are too many rhymnes that are simple cliches...

    see
    be
    me

    had
    sad

    real
    feel

    dear
    clear

    What I try to do is to write a song that indeed does say something that has been said before but, in a unique and interesting way...
    like writing a love song without using the word love....ya know?

    on a side note, I hope this didn't happen to you man...I find that most tunes are from life experiences...if so, sorry dude.
    Joe

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    I like "It's been 9 days since you told me you loved me". It's a good concept

    After that it lacks focus. Perhaps you should just say what happened. What did she do to prove it was a lie? How did that make you feel? Or, maybe she meant it but you feel bad because no matter how hard you try, you can't love her back (and if so, why is that?)

    I don't know whether either of these scenarios is the "real life" version, but that doesn't matter. Just choose the scenario, fictitious or not, that you can turn into a song with emotional resonance.

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    what is the "bombshell"? why don't you spell it out? sometimes being obsure can give a song appeal, make it a little mystical even, but real details, especially evocative details can really make it resonate with people.

    LN

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    its not bad by any means.. but if i had to critique it.. i would say.. it doesnt really tell a story, like nothings going on in the song, its just lamenting on something that we're not getting the whole story on... and... its not really poetic enough to get away with that... i mean its not like theres a hidden message.. its just not really very clever or deep. i think you should strive for atleast one of those...

    sorry im being really harsh. its not bad. im just trying to tell you whats wrong, cus you allready know whats right.

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    she told me she was a lesbian...try and fit that into the song!

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    (three dots indicate a bit of the measure is rest perhaps some guitar punches to launch the phrase)

    9 Days since you told me you loved me
    ... now I feel I should apologise
    Thought you'd held out your hand to guide me
    ... I never looked for lies

    Now you've dropped this bombshell.
    Easy for me to see.
    Regardless of what you said.
    We were never meant to be.

    Chorus:

    Too late for our love to be real.
    What you said goes back on everything ... you said ... you feel ...
    Too late the message is all to clear.
    I feel the absence of, the only thing, I held so dear.

    Verse:

    9 days was all I had ...
    For me to feel something real ...
    Easy for you to say you see I'm sad ...
    understateing understatements of the way I feel

    Outro:

    Too late, your thoughts were fake
    Was meeting you a big mistake

    ------------------
    Thanks for the lyrics to work on ...
    Performing and recording with real violin, viola, and cello for bands and artists.

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    the melody of the first verse is totally different than the second, I think that is studiovoils point...unless the melody takes a drastic turn the phrases dont work, and the second verse seems only half complete...maybe i just need to hear the music.

    as for working the lesbian aspect in...i think its a must. it will lend the song its...not quite a hook...how bout a catch? hehe

    ...
    Now you've dropped this bombshell
    The one thats crippled me and
    How come you've never said before
    You were a lesbian?

    heh...its a start

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    Thumbs up

    I think you've got a good start on this song. I agree that the meter needs work. You need to tell the "story" with your own voice, but you need to focus your voice with more details of how and why and balance that aginst the meter. The rules of rhyme do not necessarily apply to song lyrics, but I personally believe that they should convey a story line that is coherent or makes sense. Your song has a very powerful story to tell and maybe a very difficult one to put into a musical context that would work at the same level as your experience. I hope someday maybe I can hear it.

    Keep the faith, Ozlee

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    great start and can relate to the words...

    Just a couple of suggestions...what is the hook? The words that stood out to me were "Too Late"...I think this would be a great name for the song... 9 Days works as well...just a suggestion

    Also the structure of songs, not all the time, follow a pattern of something like...

    intro
    verse
    verse
    chorus
    verse
    bridge
    chorus
    ending

    with the chorus having the major hook, I would recommend writing in a second chorus...I know this may not what you looking for...just a suggestion...

    as far as words, what is important, will the listener or the audience that you are speaking to be able to communicate with the words?

    Hope this helps and nice work!
    "There is another"

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