New Song: Would You Wait?

[rottedham]

this is the newest song i've written.. not really sure how the lyrics are though.. i'd appreciate any feedback.

If I were stuck on the dark side of the moon
I know you'd be waiting on the other side
And if I were to drown at the bottom of the sea
Your breath would bring me back to life

And I know that
You'd wait a thousand years
Just to see me
Come on, don't waste your tears
I'll be back again some day
But for now you'll have to wait

And if I were to die in a fatal crash
You'd be the last thing I thought of
And if I were bitten by a deadly snake
One thing that wouldnt die is our love

And I know that
Your heart is breaking in two
I know you miss me
As much as I miss you
I'll be back again someday
But for now you'll have to wait

And I know that
You'd wait a thousand years
Just to see me
Come on, don't waste your tears
I'll be back again someday
But for now.....
You'll have....
to....
wait-----

 

[Hoodoo]

And if I were to die in a fatal crash
You'd be the last thing I thought of
And if I were bitten by a deadly snake
One thing that wouldnt die is our love

I'd change this verse to read another way so you're not referring to "you" as a "thing" to be thought of. Try this:

"And if I were to die in a fatal crash
You're the one I'd be thinking of"

This isn't that much better for me, it's just that I never like seeing "people" (especially loved ones) referred to as "things".

Good luck.

 

[Garry Sharp]

Definitely a keeper.

Those words "you'll have to wait" - don't like that at all. Implies that its your decision, that you're making her/him wait. Something along the lines of "We can only wait" maybe? Plus, see if you can replace "Your heart is breaking in two" with something a little less cliched. My first thought is "Your heart is falling apart" but you can probably do better.

Also I agree with Hoodoo.

Good stuff though - this is a composing as well as a decomposing porcine newcomer (Sorry - couldn't resist)

 

[Garry Sharp]

Sheesh - I'm a Force of Nature who makes a brilliant decomposing pun and you're all, like, so what? I'm gonna go and shoot myself now and then you'll all be sorry.





Shit - just remembered we're not allowed guns in England so I haven't got one and I don't like them anyway, and I've got a meeting in the morning and I wouldn't want to inconvenience anybody by not turning up........but don't say i didn't warn you.


Hey baby, I got those ol' thread killing blues
I say somethin' funny
It's wasted even on you

Well now I hear you sayin'
You got the hots for mrx
You ain't seen nothin' baby
Till you see stonepiano's
Avatar with specs



Hmmm...going to bed now. Goodnight