Looking for CONSTRUCTIVE criticism

jeff5xo

jeff5xo

New member
Ok guys here's a new one I just wrote. I still haven't written a bridge for it yet. It's mid tempo rock.


Good Days / Bad Days


Another day of feeling sad and lonely
this life's so phoney
I can't be the only one that

Feels all alone in this confusion
this constitution
of false illusions

Pre
I'm not begging for the sunshine
I just want the rain to end

Chorus
The good days the bad days
the in-between and sideways
the ins and the outs
tell me what's it all about
When you're reaching for something
and end up with nothing
you lose and then you win
then it happens all again

Forgive me now for feeling sad and broken
my false hoping
has gone out the window

Give me something that I can believe in
that doesn't leave me
in the deep end

Pre
Chorus




Let me know what you think. Has it been done too many times??? Should I dump it??
 
The question is: what's going on? what do you feel sad about? why? what's the dynamic?
 
It works

LI_Slim said:
The question is: what's going on? what do you feel sad about? why? what's the dynamic?
Click to expand...
I think your lyrics works ok, and I don't think that investigating the ambiguity of our existence can be done too often. Too many people come across very self-confident and goal oriented, and that puts a lot of pressure on younger people. They, who are a big music audience, need to hear that not everyone is that sure of everything. Keeping the reason hidden leaves the lyrics open for interpretation.
 
AndySteel said:
I think your lyrics works ok, and I don't think that investigating the ambiguity of our existence can be done too often. Too many people come across very self-confident and goal oriented, and that puts a lot of pressure on younger people. They, who are a big music audience, need to hear that not everyone is that sure of everything. Keeping the reason hidden leaves the lyrics open for interpretation.
Click to expand...

My criticism isn't that the lyrics are ambiguous, nor am I suggesting that lyrics should not leave room for interpretation. What I am suggesting is that the lyrics are pretty much limited to a surface treatment, and unless you put some flesh and blood on the bones the song is not going to be very affecting or intriguing.
 
It's just a song about the doldrums of life. I understand what you are saying Slim. I wanted to try to keep it general so anyone could take it how they wanted. I know what you're saying about the why's, the what's, and the what ifs, but this song is just about being down over life in general. Does that make sense?
 
LI_Slim said:
My criticism isn't that the lyrics are ambiguous, nor am I suggesting that lyrics should not leave room for interpretation. What I am suggesting is that the lyrics are pretty much limited to a surface treatment, and unless you put some flesh and blood on the bones the song is not going to be very affecting or intriguing.
Click to expand...

You have hit on the magical part of songwriting. Don't just tell me how you feel. Show me a slice of your life and let that tell me how you feel. Here's an example off the top of my head.

I never heard the clock this morning but I don't care that I'll be late
Yesterday's clothes may be all wrinkled but they'll do
A cup of coffee will be breakfast but I won't sit at the table
Cause that empty chair still holds a place for you.

I never once described a feeling; but I'll bet you know a lot about how I feel.

Keep writing,
Don
 
"Feels all alone in this confusion
this constitution
of false illusions"

What's this mean then? False illusions? Sounds like you had the rhymes first (confusion, constitution, illusion) and then tried to string them together in some way.

I'd agree with Don's comments. Give clues for the listerner to paste together the story themselves. It's not very interesting to hear that someone is fed up/depressed, but telling a story about how they skipped work or stopped shaving might be more intriguing - and the listener can work out the rest, and if they get it wrong then so what, that's some ambiguity!
 
Also agree with Don (sweet lyrics BTW Don). "Don't tell, show" could usefully be stickied in bold type across the top of this forum :), if only as a reminder for some and a rule to deliberately break for others.
 
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