Here's a new one, what do you think, no title yet

T

tbonejc1

New member
I don't know why I came
I guess I never will
I don't know why I stayed
I guess I never will
Today's my last mistake
I never will again
never will again.

I looked at you again
it's just not the same
I tried to hold it all in
you knew right away
I tried so hard
to make it go away
make it go away

Time won't erase everything
you've got to tell her if you want her to stay
you've got to hurt her again
just one more time
or you'll be making mistakes on your own

If this won't tear us apart
nothing ever will
no secrets left in the heart
no blood left to spill
today's my last mistake
I never will again
never will again.
 
tbonejc1 said:
I don't know why I came
I guess I never will
I don't know why I stayed
I guess I never will
Today's my last mistake
I never will again
never will again.

I looked at you again
it's just not the same
I tried to hold it all in
you knew right away
I tried so hard
to make it go away
make it go away

Time won't erase everything
you've got to tell her if you want her to stay
you've got to hurt her again
just one more time
or you'll be making mistakes on your own

If this won't tear us apart
nothing ever will
no secrets left in the heart
no blood left to spill
today's my last mistake
I never will again
never will again.
Click to expand...

Iwas great with this until 'no blood left to spill' . I realise that you were probably trying to emphasize 'no secrets left in the heart' but that line just seems out of place. The rest is nice. I especially like the nice, even meter. Melodies just pop into my head as I read it. Nice work, ;) Dave.
 
tbonejc1 said:
no blood left to spill
today's my last mistake
I never will again
never will again.
Click to expand...

It's got that "just killed someone and fixin' to put a bullet in my own head" thing happening. It came out of left field. Sometimes that's okay but I'm not sure that it serves here.
Have you thought about maybe turning the relationship around from a state of hopelessness to a state of completeness. Like maybe the two people are back together and unseperatable, willingly bound to each other forever? It sounds like both parties have this huge void in their lives. They need resolution. Pick up the pen and give it to them.

sumrnitz
 
thanks for the replies.
I think by that line I just meant that everything was finally out on the table. there are no more secrets, for better or for worse.
It's about being at that point where you've dissapointed someone so many times, you finally decide to bare your soul and make this the last time. No blood left to spill, no more fights, let's make it better.
kind of a positive outlook on the future, brought on by a very negative situation.

I like the input a lot though. gives me something to think about.
 
tbonejc1 said:
thanks for the replies.
I think by that line I just meant that everything was finally out on the table. there are no more secrets, for better or for worse.
It's about being at that point where you've dissapointed someone so many times, you finally decide to bare your soul and make this the last time. No blood left to spill, no more fights, let's make it better.
kind of a positive outlook on the future, brought on by a very negative situation.
Click to expand...

Excellent ending then. Perhaps try expressing it differently. (Or just tell me to jump in the lake - I can take it. :D ) Later, DAve.
 
reviewing

cool? are you a lyricist or do you compose as well? I've been songwriting for a long time now both as a hobby and as a professional and the first thing i know sound engineers look at is...how long is it? with an intro/outro even i couldnt imagine it being even 3 minutes(unless your a wicked composer in which case stop reading now!). it has 4 verses. so its in a simple A-A-A-A pattern, i believe. what i would suggest, and this is only a suggestion...if you do the 4 verse thing...listen to the song "tweeter and the monkey-man" it has the verse thing goin on...and it's amazing...well..dylan is a god. but...he throws a little chorus between them...has a little hook in it....the verse part is a simple Am-F-G thing...or something...and the chorus starts with a lilttle riffs on the Am and it's only 1 sentence repeated twice i think or three times really quick. it's a really neat song. if you could squeeze a little chorus inbetween verses with a little hook i think it would be neat :) It won't make it so flat sounding when you record it. the chorus thing breaks it up perfectly. nice lyrics too.
:cool:
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/t/travelling-wilburys/140469.html
 
"if you could squeeze a little chorus inbetween verses with a little hook i think it would be neat"

actually...even if you did an intro: 2 verses then a little chorus...2 more verses and a little chorus avec hook...then into the outro...that might work better than a chorus every verse. i was wrong. heh sorry.!
 
Actually the 3rd stanza is a bridge, and then there's a second part to the bridge that's instrumental that's very distinct and different from the rest of the song, which is mostly very simple..it's slower guitar strummy song, clocks in at somewhere between 4-5 minutes.
There's definitely a song to it, I'm not much of a lyricist, more of a songwriter..
this one I guess you could say is an A A B A form over the whole song
I've got some more songs, some that have a more traditional "chorus", some don't.
I'll post some older stuff if you like.
 
A A B A form. Thats a form I don't see very often. Definatly! ya i hear ya, im no lyricist...I believe in music first, then wrap the lyrics around it like a blanket :) jmo ... but ya man. if you got the music, i honestly believe you could read parts of the phone book...especially if you got the vocals to connect! write on !
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top