Good lyrics? Judge me

L

Liquid Len

New member
Here's a short verse for your consideration:

NIKOLAI AND I
I knew a man named Nikolai
Who didn't care to live or die
His wife had found him in his bed
A shotgun shell had torn his head
The grisly scene had left a scar
Yet I had suffered most, by far
Since out of loyalty, or pity I figure
I had helped him pull the trigger

THE AFTERTHOUGHT
Taken to thinking, I drew in the scene
The blood flowed hot red, the brain dripped cold green
I sat and watched starbursts of flesh drip down walls
And cascade to the floor in slow-motion waterfalls
The stench was unique, like raw meat and death
Mixed in with a touch of black ash and bad breath
And done comtemplating, I slowly turned round
Said some quick good-byes, and took off... Hellward bound.

A simple rhythm, but that makes it all the easier to write music to(one would think).
 
I'm assuming, based on the subject matter, that the lead singer will be screaming the lyrics out like primal group therapy?
 
Not necessarily. The mood is quite contemplative and reserved. I can imagine it as both-- being belted out by any banshee, or whispered along to a moody, spooky NINish drum pattern.
 
Id say pretty upper-mediocre. But lucily thats about all it takes for a pretty kick ass song.

xoxoxo
 
It rhymes, but I think you really need to save your money for therapy. whew! Do you have any other stuff a bit more upbeat that we can check out?

mutt
 
Wait till you get out of puberty, maybe then you'll write something decent. (the last three lines of Nikolai and I are pretty inspired :))

BTW- I'm only half kidding and just wanna get a response out of you!

-jhe
 
Puberty was a long time ago. Although I'm still suffering the effects of it. No, poems like these are always inspired by lack of sleep and too much coffee/nicotine. If you'd like to know what puberty can do to someone, go to "members.aol.com/cryingmask/index.html". I made that webpage and haven't updated it in 5 years-- but it's probably still running.
There are 3 song lyrics I made on that page: one bleak Goth rambling, one false confession, and one strange tale called The Trypon Gryphon Dynasty. It's 3 pages long and rhymes just one word throughout. And if you're asking what influenced it, the answer is maybe. I don't need therapy... I had a shrink once. Now he needs a shrink. But maybe you guys should actually go to the webpage in my signature and hear my actual "music". Now if ever there were a problem with lyrics without music and music without lyrics... but that's another issue entirely.
 
Liquid Len, I liked your lyrics. Although a little grim, they definately paint a picture in your mind. They are hard core, but the rhyming scheme and sentence sizes sound (I'm serious, and not trying to be a smart ass)like they would work in that cowboy poem style of folk music. You may have invented a whole new style of music cowboycore!

Keep-em heavy
Pils
 
PILSMAN

You related to LL's lyrics?? Really?? Oh, wait a minute - I see ---- you're from
"Kaiserslaughter" so that makes sense. But I could be wrong. Is the town's name "Kaiser-slaughter" (as in slaughter, which makes me understand how you can relate to the lyrics) or is it "Kaisers-laughter" (as in laughter) WOW!! That could put a whole new perspective on the lyric appreciation.

;)


mutt
 
mutt,

It's supposed to be Kaiserslaughtern, but when I typed it, I ran out of space. Either that, or I just plain fudged it.

I can't really relate to LL's lyrics, but in a sick way, you can visualize. There was a time, that I was really into thrash/heavy metal, I think they would be descent lyrics in that context. Nobody ever said that poetry has to sound beautiful.

Anymore, I just listen to blues and classic rock.

Pils
 
My thoughts, Liquid Len--seems to me the point is you helped this guy pull the trigger--you (the narrator) are saying you have some responsibility for his death. OK, so where does it go from there. We need more of the story. Did you cheat him, rob him, bed his wife, feed him bad dope, what? Or is that the human condition and we all are responsible for the violence that is done?

I think you're building some ideas here but they're still half-formed. That's how songs can bubble out of the unconscious. There's a lot of gory imagery, but unless you take it somewhere it's just--I think as some people implied--gory imagery. If you can dig a little to see where this is coming from--anger, bad experiences, your upbringing--maybe it will give you more insight and you can bring these lyrics to the next level. More than anything, writing is a process of self-discovery. Good luck with it.
 
Hmm. Interesting point. But sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar. This is a story about assisted suicide. It explores the ethics involved(which isn't in question in the character's mind). I, personally, would help a friend in need of release, if I felt he had a good reason. The story is very literal: Nikolai doesn't have the courage to point a barrel at his own head, so the friend feels it's his duty to pull the trigger for him. No remorse, no tension, simply a favor from a friend.
Is that enough controversy for you, or would you like me to sing about abortion?
 
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