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Thread: Good lyrics? Judge me

  1. #1
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    Question

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    Here's a short verse for your consideration:

    NIKOLAI AND I
    I knew a man named Nikolai
    Who didn't care to live or die
    His wife had found him in his bed
    A shotgun shell had torn his head
    The grisly scene had left a scar
    Yet I had suffered most, by far
    Since out of loyalty, or pity I figure
    I had helped him pull the trigger

    THE AFTERTHOUGHT
    Taken to thinking, I drew in the scene
    The blood flowed hot red, the brain dripped cold green
    I sat and watched starbursts of flesh drip down walls
    And cascade to the floor in slow-motion waterfalls
    The stench was unique, like raw meat and death
    Mixed in with a touch of black ash and bad breath
    And done comtemplating, I slowly turned round
    Said some quick good-byes, and took off... Hellward bound.

    A simple rhythm, but that makes it all the easier to write music to(one would think).

  2. #2
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    Wink

    I'm assuming, based on the subject matter, that the lead singer will be screaming the lyrics out like primal group therapy?

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    Not necessarily. The mood is quite contemplative and reserved. I can imagine it as both-- being belted out by any banshee, or whispered along to a moody, spooky NINish drum pattern.

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    Id say pretty upper-mediocre. But lucily thats about all it takes for a pretty kick ass song.

    xoxoxo

  5. #5
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    Cool

    When we by the cd, will there be free acid inside?

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    It rhymes, but I think you really need to save your money for therapy. whew! Do you have any other stuff a bit more upbeat that we can check out?

    mutt

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    Wait till you get out of puberty, maybe then you'll write something decent. (the last three lines of Nikolai and I are pretty inspired )

    BTW- I'm only half kidding and just wanna get a response out of you!

    -jhe

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    Unhappy

    Puberty was a long time ago. Although I'm still suffering the effects of it. No, poems like these are always inspired by lack of sleep and too much coffee/nicotine. If you'd like to know what puberty can do to someone, go to "members.aol.com/cryingmask/index.html". I made that webpage and haven't updated it in 5 years-- but it's probably still running.
    There are 3 song lyrics I made on that page: one bleak Goth rambling, one false confession, and one strange tale called The Trypon Gryphon Dynasty. It's 3 pages long and rhymes just one word throughout. And if you're asking what influenced it, the answer is maybe. I don't need therapy... I had a shrink once. Now he needs a shrink. But maybe you guys should actually go to the webpage in my signature and hear my actual "music". Now if ever there were a problem with lyrics without music and music without lyrics... but that's another issue entirely.

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    Good lyrics? Bite me.

  10. #10
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    Thumbs up

    Liquid Len, I liked your lyrics. Although a little grim, they definately paint a picture in your mind. They are hard core, but the rhyming scheme and sentence sizes sound (I'm serious, and not trying to be a smart ass)like they would work in that cowboy poem style of folk music. You may have invented a whole new style of music cowboycore!

    Keep-em heavy
    Pils

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