Emily

I

icystorm

Guest
I finished the lyrics for "Emily".

Comments welcomed at your leisure or inclination, whichever comes first... :)

It's meant as a somber song, but it could have mutiple meanings. Take it as you will.

Cheers,
Joseph

-----------

Emily

Words and music by Joseph Spain
Created with Jamstudio.com 2.3, Acoustica Mixcraft 4.5, and Audacity 1.3
Produced by Joseph Spain
CD: ?
Copyright: Joseph Spain 2009

Verse 1
The legend and longing
are veiled in disguise
The lore of the lonely
in Emily's eyes
I kneel at her feet
with my heart in her hands
I'm living to know
where Emily stands

Verse 2
Her hair spills
in the storm's breeze
Where she's alone
thunder will cease
My angel becomes every delight
One with the dark
One with the night

Chorus
Her passion and scent
play in my mind
Etched in the flesh
Frozen in time
Wrapped in her love
In sync with her eyes
Cut to the bone
In Heaven's design
She's cut to the bone
She's Heaven's design

Verse 3
Harmonia's necklace
eclipsed in my mind
I drown in an ocean
where Emily cries
I'm bound to a memory
that's written in sand
I'm dying to know
where Emily stands

verse 4
Her hair spills
in the fall's breeze
Where she's alone
that's where I'll be
My angel becomes every delight
One with the heart
One with the light

Chorus
Her passion and scent
play in my mind
Etched in my flesh
Frozen in time
Wrapped in her love
In sync with her eyes
Cut to the bone
In Heaven's design
She's cut to the bone
She's Heaven's design

(repeat chorus through fade)
 
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Some very nice imagery you've got there.

Not that it matters too much, but what you're calling bridges really aren't. They are more like verses, albeit, similar lines, but still verses none the less. A bridge typically happens once in a song and lyrically, it's the turning point of the story. It either finally explains a mystery that has been building, or shows a counter point or brings the story back 'round to the beginning again and ties the verses together. Musically, the bridge will be different from the verses or choruses. It's common to shift to minor chords for the bridge, or change key.

The reason I say your bridges are more like verses is because they are supporting the general theme of the song and do not bring a different perspective. This is fine. A song does not have to have a bridge, and when listening to your song, the audience isn't going to know you called it a bridge.

Nice write. Have fun.
 
Chili said:
Some very nice imagery you've got there.

Not that it matters too much, but what you're calling bridges really aren't. They are more like verses, albeit, similar lines, but still verses none the less. A bridge typically happens once in a song and lyrically, it's the turning point of the story. It either finally explains a mystery that has been building, or shows a counter point or brings the story back 'round to the beginning again and ties the verses together. Musically, the bridge will be different from the verses or choruses. It's common to shift to minor chords for the bridge, or change key.

The reason I say your bridges are more like verses is because they are supporting the general theme of the song and do not bring a different perspective. This is fine. A song does not have to have a bridge, and when listening to your song, the audience isn't going to know you called it a bridge.

Nice write. Have fun.
Click to expand...

Thanks for commenting and the advice, Chili.

I always (errantly) thought that the bridge was simply a significant change in the flow that could (a) connect a verse to a chorus, (b) connect a chorus to a verse, or (c) connect chorus renditions. I did not know a bridge was specifically reserved for a change in the storyline. I was simply following the examples in 40 years of pop music. I've seen bridges placed all through songs in various places.

Still, thanks for pointing out the correct technical usage of the bridge.

I tweaked my lyrics to reflect only "verses", sans any reference to "bridge".

Now, what is the difference between a release and verse?

Cheers,
Joseph
 
icystorm said:
Emily

Words and music by Joseph Spain
Created with Jamstudio.com 2.3, Acoustica Mixcraft 4.5, and Audacity 1.3
Produced by Joseph Spain
CD: ?
Copyright: Joseph Spain 2009

Verse 1
The legend and longing
are veiled in disguise
The lore of the lonely
in Emily's eyes
I kneel at her feet
with my heart in her hands
I'm living to know
where Emily stands

Bridge 1
Her hair spills
in the storm's breeze
Where she's alone
thunder will cease
My angel becomes every delight
One with the dark
One with the night

Chorus
Her passion and scent
play in my mind
Etched in the flesh
Frozen in time
Wrapped in her love
Synced in her eyes
Cut to the bone
In Heaven's design
She's cut to the bone
She's Heaven's design

Verse 2
Harmonia's necklace
eclipsed in my mind
I drown in an ocean
where Emily cries
I'm bound to a memory
that's written in sand
I'm dying to know
where Emily stands

Bridge 2
Her hair spills
in the fall's breeze
Where she's alone
that's where I'll be
My angel becomes every delight
One with the heart
One with the light

Chorus
Her passion and scent
play in my mind
Etched in my flesh
Frozen in time
Wrapped in her love
Synced in her eyes
Cut to the bone
In Heaven's design
She's cut to the bone
She's Heaven's design
Click to expand...

As Chili says "great imagery".

This is a cool set of lyrics . . . except for one line . . . "Synced in her eyes". And I'm struggling to latch onto a thought behind this. I'm not sure what 'synced' means. I kind of get a meaning from it by mentally substituting "trapped".

Another line that I puzzle over (though not nearly so much, and I can live with it) is "She's cut to the bone". I take this to be a kind of shorthand way of saying that "she's designed to perfection; nothing is unnecessary and nothing is wasted". That may be the wrong interpretation, but it works for me. It could also mean "she's cut me to the bone" as an indication of how totally I'm immersed in her spell.

I particularly like "the lore of the lonely".

Well done!
 
gecko zzed said:
As Chili says "great imagery".

This is a cool set of lyrics . . . except for one line . . . "Synced in her eyes". And I'm struggling to latch onto a thought behind this. I'm not sure what 'synced' means. I kind of get a meaning from it by mentally substituting "trapped".

Another line that I puzzle over (though not nearly so much, and I can live with it) is "She's cut to the bone". I take this to be a kind of shorthand way of saying that "she's designed to perfection; nothing is unnecessary and nothing is wasted". That may be the wrong interpretation, but it works for me. It could also mean "she's cut me to the bone" as an indication of how totally I'm immersed in her spell.

I particularly like "the lore of the lonely".

Well done!
Click to expand...

Thanks much, GZ!

"Synced in her eyes" is just a way of describing two lovers starring into each others eyes during the act. Maybe I should change that to "in sync with her eyes", which also works with the melody. It comes right after "wrapped in her love", so hopefully that adds a bit of clarity. :)

You're exactly right about "cut to the bone" meaning "she's designed to perfection".

Being a well-read man, I know you caught the reference to Harmonia's necklace! :)

Cheers,
Joseph
 
I completed a full demo yesterday with vox and I modified the lyrics slightly (shown below). As time permits, I will replace the drum loop with a new one I am working on. I also plan to spice up the middle section with different instrumentation soon and rework the vox where I am weak/flat/off-key in spots, mainly where I didn't nail the notes when transitioning from lower to higher notes.

There's no need to listen past the second verse. The rest is the same chorus, repeated. I plan to ditch the repetitive chorus at the end and develop a heavier instrumental section that fades.

Just an early demo... far from "finished". :)

BTW, this was a song that I was quite excited about when I first conceived it, but I sort of lost the drive after completing the idea for the chorus. I guess that happens sometimes.

http://www.box.net/shared/s5k5tuho1x

Cheers,
Joseph

--------------

Emily

Words and music by Joseph Spain
Created with Jamstudio.com 2.3, Acoustica Mixcraft 4.5, and Audacity 1.3
Produced by Joseph Spain
CD: ?
Copyright: Joseph Spain 2009

Verse 1
The legend and longing
are veiled in disguise
The lore of the lonely
in Emily's eyes
I kneel at her feet
with my heart in her hands
I'm living to know
where Emily stands

Verse 2
Her hair spills
in the storm's breeze
Where she's alone
thunder will cease
My angel becomes every delight
One with the dark
One with the night

Chorus
Her passion and scent
play in my mind
Etched in the flesh
Frozen in time
Wrapped in her love
In sync with her eyes
Cut to the bone
In Heaven's design
She's cut to the bone
She's Heaven's design

Verse 3
Harmonia's necklace
eclipsed in my mind
I drown in an ocean
where Emily cries
I worship a memory
that's written in sand
I'm dying to know
where Emily stands

Verse 4
Her hair spills
in the fall's breeze
Where she's alone
that's where I'll be
My angel becomes every delight
One with the heart
One with the light

Chorus
Her passion and scent
play in my mind
Etched in the flesh
Frozen in time
Wrapped in her love
In sync with her eyes
Cut to the bone
In Heaven's design
She's cut to the bone
She's Heaven's design

(repeat chorus through fade)
 
Last edited:
like others have said, good imagery..well done lyrics...

personally Id like to see you change up the music and lyrics in the chorus to give it something of a different feel from the verses...

change up the chord progression, the melody, etc changed up a bit to set that chorus out...
 
Great stuff Joseph.

I especially liked the opening verse, which set the whole thing up with some great phrases and imagery.

Like GZ was rather puzzled by "cut to the bone" which is usually used to mean something along the lines of 'deeply wounded'. But I came to the same conclusion as he did about how it might be intended here, more as 'cut to perfection'.

I'm very impressed by what you have been able to do with the tools you've listed - Created with Jamstudio.com 2.3, Acoustica Mixcraft 4.5, and Audacity 1.3. So thanks for listing them, I'll have to look into that whole area a bit more.

Cheers,

Chris
 
Gidge said:
like others have said, good imagery..well done lyrics...

personally Id like to see you change up the music and lyrics in the chorus to give it something of a different feel from the verses...

change up the chord progression, the melody, etc changed up a bit to set that chorus out...
Click to expand...

Thanks for listening and commenting, Gidge. I appreciate the advice.

I see you reside in Louisiana. My wife and I lived there before we moved to Texas in early 2006. We're going to New Orleans on business in a few weeks.

Cheers,
Joseph
 
Hakea said:
Great stuff Joseph.

I especially liked the opening verse, which set the whole thing up with some great phrases and imagery.

Like GZ was rather puzzled by "cut to the bone" which is usually used to mean something along the lines of 'deeply wounded'. But I came to the same conclusion as he did about how it might be intended here, more as 'cut to perfection'.

I'm very impressed by what you have been able to do with the tools you've listed - Created with Jamstudio.com 2.3, Acoustica Mixcraft 4.5, and Audacity 1.3. So thanks for listing them, I'll have to look into that whole area a bit more.

Cheers,

Chris
Click to expand...

Thank for listening and the kind words, Chris.

For me, a novice with very limited musical skills, but a desire to write songs, those are good tools for creating very basic demos. I am working to improve my own acoustic guitar playing to the point where I can play rhythm guitar on my own songs.

Others, with more advanced musical skills, use Jamstudio to augment their own solo work or band's music.

Mixcraft is a basic, multi-track mixer that can import VSTs. Audacity is an open-source mixer that has a few twists and options that Mixcraft does not have.

I don't have any aspirations of fame or glory, I just enjoy the diversion of songwriting. I do think I would enjoy having an amateur female vocalist record one or more of my songs someday, just for fun.

It will be interesting to see what kind of tools evolve over the next decade.

BTW, I agree with you guys from down under regarding the usual meaning of "cut to the bone". It means the same here. I was just going for something unusual.

Cheers,
Joseph
 
A couple of things about production stood out.

1 The bass is kinda boomy on the bottom E and the C (from where I listen), and you might look at taming these areas a bit. It may not be the same on your system.

2 The reverb you've used on your voice is coming across a bit boxy. Maybe you could try a bigger room and slightly less of it. (This could also be an MP3 artifact).

3 The kit starts at a good level. But if you listen to its relative level at, say, 2.25 (where there's a lot going on), it gets pushed back. This is possibly a consequence of compression: the busier bits get squashed more.

I really like the melodic change at about 2 minutes. This makes a great change from the fairly repetitive feel that precedes it.

Close to the start there is a great bit of falsetto at 0:31, and I think you can make more with this; it's great ability.

I like the overall song, and I have already said that the lyrics are rich in imagery.

As I've mentioned before, you have developed a trademark sound which is evident here. However, I'm still craving for greater variety within the song, particularly with the instrumentation.

Well done!

Now you can concentrate on the Feb challenge!! You still have a few days left!
 
gecko zzed said:
A couple of things about production stood out.

1 The bass is kinda boomy on the bottom E and the C (from where I listen), and you might look at taming these areas a bit. It may not be the same on your system.

2 The reverb you've used on your voice is coming across a bit boxy. Maybe you could try a bigger room and slightly less of it. (This could also be an MP3 artifact).

3 The kit starts at a good level. But if you listen to its relative level at, say, 2.25 (where there's a lot going on), it gets pushed back. This is possibly a consequence of compression: the busier bits get squashed more.

I really like the melodic change at about 2 minutes. This makes a great change from the fairly repetitive feel that precedes it.

Close to the start there is a great bit of falsetto at 0:31, and I think you can make more with this; it's great ability.

I like the overall song, and I have already said that the lyrics are rich in imagery.

As I've mentioned before, you have developed a trademark sound which is evident here. However, I'm still craving for greater variety within the song, particularly with the instrumentation.

Well done!

Now you can concentrate on the Feb challenge!! You still have a few days left!
Click to expand...

Thanks for listening and taking the time to post the good advice, Gecko. All of your points are well taken. I definitely want to develop greater variety and less repetitiveness in all of my songs and take them to higher stages of demo development. Believe me, your points about a need for variability are not lost on me. Maybe if we're both bored one day, you could walk through my songwriting process with me, step-by-step, and lend me some pointers.

Regarding the challenge, I've been following the progress of you and the others, but in respect of Dave's rules, I have not commented. :)

...but I will when it's considered legal. :)

I am really busy with research at my office this month and I doubt I will have time to write anything worthwhile for this challenge. I will definitely catch Dave's next one!

Cheers,
Joseph :)
 
You really have crafted a distinct voice here. I am not going to get into production here other than I think the verb is too much and the vocals are losing presence. I know your style demands this big ‘verb but it should not be at the expense of your vocal presence.

I agree with all the positive points above, but as mentioned by other I feel there needs to be more distinction between the Vs and Ch melody. BTW I would call Vs 2 & 4 a pre-chorus not a bridge; Chilli has defined a bridge very well, so I will not go into that.

I want more dynamic range – your choices are instruments, arrangement and mix to achieve that. Or most importantly your voice!
Starting in falsetto leaves you with very little headroom. You could take the Orbison path and start lower with full voice and save f/s for the big notes or Bee Gees/Brian Wilson approach and increase the density and complexity of harmonies.

Do you listen to much Radiohead? These lyrics are a lot darker than the arrangement suggests and if you are not familiar with Thom Yorke voice it could be interesting. The Bends I think is still their best album. Listening to him may encourage you to consider other vocal qualities you may posses and develop.

Also how are you writing on guitar, keys or to the full arrangement you have generated? All these choices will effect melody and dynamics.
As a lyricist your work is creative and engaging, but I do not feel like the full prosody of your words is being explored with your melody lines or arrangements

Just some thoughts Joseph, hope they are helpful.

Burt
 
Whatmysay said:
You really have crafted a distinct voice here. I am not going to get into production here other than I think the verb is too much and the vocals are losing presence. I know your style demands this big ‘verb but it should not be at the expense of your vocal presence.

I agree with all the positive points above, but as mentioned by other I feel there needs to be more distinction between the Vs and Ch melody. BTW I would call Vs 2 & 4 a pre-chorus not a bridge; Chilli has defined a bridge very well, so I will not go into that.

I want more dynamic range – your choices are instruments, arrangement and mix to achieve that. Or most importantly your voice!
Starting in falsetto leaves you with very little headroom. You could take the Orbison path and start lower with full voice and save f/s for the big notes or Bee Gees/Brian Wilson approach and increase the density and complexity of harmonies.

Do you listen to much Radiohead? These lyrics are a lot darker than the arrangement suggests and if you are not familiar with Thom Yorke voice it could be interesting. The Bends I think is still their best album. Listening to him may encourage you to consider other vocal qualities you may posses and develop.

Also how are you writing on guitar, keys or to the full arrangement you have generated? All these choices will effect melody and dynamics.
As a lyricist your work is creative and engaging, but I do not feel like the full prosody of your words is being explored with your melody lines or arrangements

Just some thoughts Joseph, hope they are helpful.

Burt
Click to expand...

Thanks for the thoughts and ideas, Burt.

I have not heard anything by Radiohead, but I will check them and Thom Yorke out.

Yes, I do enjoy writing lyrics that are different from the arrangement (e.g., darker lyrics, brighter background). Just a preference.

Regarding the composition process, I usually write to the rhythm guitar only and then add the other instruments. I favor more complex arrangements than my demos have.

Between you and others on homerecording, I have some very good examples to inspire me to improve! :)

Thanks for listening.

Cheers,
Joseph
 
I like this song and particularly your falsetto work.

Like some of the others though, I think it gets repetitive as follows:

Verse 1
The legend and longing
are veiled in disguise
The lore of the lonely
in Emily's eyes (love the falsetto here:D)
I kneel at her feet
with my heart in her hands
I'm living to know
where Emily stands

Verse 2
Her hair spills
in the storm's breeze
Where she's alone
thunder will cease
My angel becomes every delight
One with the dark
One with the night

I think for the above lines in red you should change the melody rather than repeating what you have used already.

Also, to my mind the melody for the chorus is too similar to the verse. I would say you need a completely different melody here to add variety.

Chorus
Her passion and scent
play in my mind
Etched in the flesh
Frozen in time
Wrapped in her love
In sync with her eyes
Cut to the bone
In Heaven's design
She's cut to the bone
She's Heaven's design

You say you write with accoustic guitar. Here's a tip from a primitive ;) Try writing the melody acapella. Experiment with taking the melody to different places without being influenced by the next chord your fingers find.

Just a thought...

Sorry if my views are harsh, we are all learning here! I am not a published songwriter, what do I know? :)
 
The knife cuts both ways

When a person keeps changing with each song they write people can't figure out what genre they are in. Invariably they write tunes people like but also write tunes that they hate. On the other hand there are folks who find their style and stick with it because it makes them money. I realize that there is a similarity to your music but perhaps that is simply your voice and style. It is your hook. What stands out most to me is the last two pieces that you have posted sounded more like Joseph than Barry Gibbs. Yes, there is a likeness but it is still your voice. Like the previous poster I would like to hear more falsetto since you do it powerfully and it would further distinguish your voice from anyone else. I would also like to hear more musical variety in the background but that has been mentioned by others. There would be ways to accomplish that without becomeing a virtuoso. Something like Jamstudio could be used for the backs ad then a midi controller with some software synths could be layed over them. At times you could use the rhythm section, other times the synths, and other times a combo of both. There are any number of possibiities that can be played with one or two fingers and a bit of time investment. Just a thought............As usual I like your stuff. The last two in particular show growth at least to my ears.
 
Frankie Rage said:
I like this song and particularly your falsetto work.

Like some of the others though, I think it gets repetitive as follows:

Verse 1
The legend and longing
are veiled in disguise
The lore of the lonely
in Emily's eyes (love the falsetto here:D)
I kneel at her feet
with my heart in her hands
I'm living to know
where Emily stands

Verse 2
Her hair spills
in the storm's breeze
Where she's alone
thunder will cease
My angel becomes every delight
One with the dark
One with the night

I think for the above lines in red you should change the melody rather than repeating what you have used already.

Also, to my mind the melody for the chorus is too similar to the verse. I would say you need a completely different melody here to add variety.

Chorus
Her passion and scent
play in my mind
Etched in the flesh
Frozen in time
Wrapped in her love
In sync with her eyes
Cut to the bone
In Heaven's design
She's cut to the bone
She's Heaven's design

You say you write with accoustic guitar. Here's a tip from a primitive ;) Try writing the melody acapella. Experiment with taking the melody to different places without being influenced by the next chord your fingers find.

Just a thought...

Sorry if my views are harsh, we are all learning here! I am not a published songwriter, what do I know? :)
Click to expand...

Thanks, Frankie. That's not harsh at all. I appreciate honesty. It helps me grow. You make some good points. Thanks for listening and your advice, my friend.

I hear exactly what you are saying about "taking the melody to different places". Unfortunately, I don't have the skills to create the songs I hear in my mind. I feel fortunate to be able to produce the rough demos I post; crude approximations of where I want my songs to be. The "final" versions would have counter-melodies, more dynamic melodies, better instrumentation, more musical variety, more layered vocals with additional harmonies, etc. I consider the songs I post here to be crude, rough outlines, meant to display the basic songs. I definitely aspire to create what you described.

I learn a lot here from you guys and hope to apply it more and more.

Cheers,
Joseph :)
 
up-fiddler said:
When a person keeps changing with each song they write people can't figure out what genre they are in. Invariably they write tunes people like but also write tunes that they hate. On the other hand there are folks who find their style and stick with it because it makes them money. I realize that there is a similarity to your music but perhaps that is simply your voice and style. It is your hook. What stands out most to me is the last two pieces that you have posted sounded more like Joseph than Barry Gibbs. Yes, there is a likeness but it is still your voice. Like the previous poster I would like to hear more falsetto since you do it powerfully and it would further distinguish your voice from anyone else. I would also like to hear more musical variety in the background but that has been mentioned by others. There would be ways to accomplish that without becomeing a virtuoso. Something like Jamstudio could be used for the backs ad then a midi controller with some software synths could be layed over them. At times you could use the rhythm section, other times the synths, and other times a combo of both. There are any number of possibiities that can be played with one or two fingers and a bit of time investment. Just a thought............As usual I like your stuff. The last two in particular show growth at least to my ears.
Click to expand...

Thanks for listening and the good suggestions, Dave. I like the idea of using a midi controller to layer in some software synths. That could indeed open up some additional possibilities. :)

Cheers,
Joseph
 
Hi Joseph:

The fact that you have created the melodies in the first verse and first two lines of the second verse prove that you can compose some interesting melody lines. Also, you're clearly no slouch lyrically.

Have a look at Gecko's Skyscraper thread as it might give you some more clues about where to go from here.

It has given me me food for thought anyway!

Fx:D
 
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