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Dr.Cool

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alright this is really a poem more than a song but tell me what your feelings are on it. Nevermind the way i write im not straight forward.



Before dawn awakes, the dream ends

What stood before now falters

Secret fears and unknown thoughts

Now rise to greet the consious mind

Forget the sun calls the night

And she beckons forth her children

Smiling and crying they dance and sing

Of hatreds and fears, Love and sins
 
Dr.Cool said:
...tell me what your feelings are on it. Nevermind the way i write ...
Click to expand...

Huh? Which is it? Do you want comments, or not? Just busting your chops a bit...

OK, I'll provide comments, regardless... I like the first half better than the second half. I start to lose the vibe around the sun and the dancing children business.

My general rule of songwriting (albiet very simple) is to either write very descriptive straightforward stuff or if you are going for the more abstract, you need to really puff it up with a lot of imagery, such that the reader or listener can create their own story, or visual scene in their head. I guess I like some of the imagery here, but I feel like it could be more descriptive, or something - even just with abstract descriptions. I feel like I should have more of a picture painted in my head when I'm done reading it. MAybe it's that to me, it describes a scene, but not really any action?? I don't know. I like it though...
 
well as i said its more of a poem really. actually i wrote it as a poem with no intent of it ever becoming a song but regardless
 
Hi Dr.Cool. These sound like the lyrics in a typical death metal band song. I happen to like metal, and to me, the delivery and phrasing can make or break any song. If a vocalist wants to do a song like this, and sing the lyrics clearly, It's gonna be hard to pull off. In my head, I guess a mild acoustic rendition would work, but how does it touch the regular person in the street? If I'm looking for deep and meaningful delivery, 'Jewel' has it in spades. Try to imagine some of your fave artists doing these lyrics, and see what your imagination comes up with. Sometimes, the light will switch on, and you'll be able to see an application for them, or a melody. Bob
 
Howdi Dr Cool, doesn't sound too bad for a starting point. I find when I write songs, I write a rough sketch, and then change a few things around, to suit the phrasing, to fit the music...............Keep at it................Barb
 
Sure, as a personal piece, anything works.

Now if you want an outside and objective opinion:

In terms of feeling, I can't really comment cause it lacks substance. In other words, there's a lot of nice words in there but it fails to bring you through any kind of experience.

It lacks that successive building of intrigue. You can accomplish that with inventive phrasing, rythmic pattern, some sort of ryhme scheme and vivid imagery.

For example, one thing to try is writing to a metronome :)

I advise that to alot of writers and it occasionally blows a mind or two.


Please don't take my straight fowardness to heart, I'm just another outside opinion. :)
 
sounds like something i wrote in my freshmen (high school) creative writing class.....not that that is a good or bad thing.
 
I think it stands up well as a poem. It makes me think toward interpretation. I like an easier storyline for music though. That's just me.
 
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