Couple O' Times

nave

nave

Cave Relic
A short simple little diddy called a "Couple 'O Times"


He stood in the river of time
Dusted off the fiddle he kept in his mind
Wondered what the puzzle should look like
as He stood in the river of life

and he said........



A couple of times
I made gold of hay
I remembered my lines
and knew the right thing to say
just a couple of times



he stood in the big room of life
It smelt of paint of paint thinner and of mice
and he sat down spent his time thinking it over twice
and sat down spent his time thinking it over twice

He said:

A couple of Times
I stole something
I cut to the front
of the line to get in
just a couple of times

And I couple of times
I got away
I closed my blinds
and waited for the next day
a couple of times


And A couple of times
I knew the way
I may have been blind
But what can I say
It was a couple of times


he stood in the big room of life


the end



-nave
 
cool concept and I think you're close with the lyrics and rhymes. If you have music to it, try and smooth out some of the verses.

I think this one is surely worth tightening up!!
Try reworking the first verse so your rhyme rests on "river of life" and get rid of the first line reference to "river of time" Save "TIME" for the chorus.

Work on the "paint, paint thinner"line. It reads kinda choppy. Maybe get rid of the word "paint" and just use paint thinner. If you want 3 things that the room smelled of try something along the way of "it smelled of memories, paint thinner and mice".

My intent is to give impressions of my read, not to suggest that my input is better.

Good song!!
Polish it up and post that thing on the MP3 forum for us.

Peace,
Theron.
 
Nice lyrics Nave.
As I read your song music began filtering in.

Theron didn't leave much for me to add.

I found the paint and paint thinner not only choppy, (but it all depends on the music too) but two like nouns that close together is like a stutter sometimes. It draws the listener from the flow of the singer and makes them kinda say, 'huh'?

Maybe,

It smelt of turpintine and fresh paint,,,,,

Something like that.

Only suggestions.
Yeah, something to hone up and work on.

Be nice to hear it, especally through the stages of development. I find that really interesting.

Good luck, Nave.
 
oh the paint thing is a typo :) of paint only once


Thanks for the comments, i ll keep working on it


-nave
 
LOL, I tried to play fiddle and I sound like I'm drunk....... it's standard 4/4....but I've been doing a lot of writing in 3/4 as of late so it's funny you say that.....


I think I'm gonna go pour myself a glass of wine.....


peace analog


nave
 
Hey Nave,

It does seem to run well in 3/4 with the fiddle or maybe
mandolin--better pour another glass (hic)
 
Hey Nave again,

Forgot to mention--Why don't you jump in to blackbuck's
writer topic thread--could be fun!!!!!!
 
badgas said:
I found the paint and paint thinner not only choppy, (but it all depends on the music too) but two like nouns that close together is like a stutter sometimes. It draws the listener from the flow of the singer and makes them kinda say, 'huh'?

Maybe,

It smelt of turpintine and fresh paint,,,,,

Something like that.
Click to expand...

First off, Nave, I'm with the others in that I think this is good material. Good imagery. I like that the narrator (for lack of a better word) is somewhat specific yet we can all relate to his position.

Second, I agree with badgas that including both "paint" and "paint thinner" is bothersome. Not monumentally, but just slightly distracting. As another possible suggestion, you could simply omit the second "paint," so the line would read:

*It smelt of paint, of thinner, and of mice*

"Thinner" has its obvious reference, but it also implies other tangents as well, ones that wouldn't work if the word "paint" is lumped with it.

And we all know that lumpy paint is bad :p

Thanks for sharing this song. It's good motivation for slackers like me.
 
Well thanks all for the comments everyone , it's nice encouragement so 'preciate it! btw, beaver, the "of paint" was just a typo, it shouldn't appear twice.....I was gonna edit it out...but I'm a slacker too!:D


-nave
 
Gotcha. Yeah, sometimes those mistakes or typos can lead to surprising twists in the results. Maybe I'll start a new thread about stream of consciousness writing. . . .
 
Stream of consciousness eh? good idea! out of curiousity what does stream of consciousness mean to you? It means different things to different people..........Some people see it as more of a fruedian free association type deal whilst others see it as more or less throwing whatever comes off the top of your head w/o any starting point or association......................Ever try just jumping in to recording a vocal track without any lyrics? I've done it a "couple of times" ( :) ) and it mostly comes out like mumbo jumbo but sometimes within the mumbo jumbo there are words and phrases that either reoccur or form some sort of theme that usually applies directly to my life at that particular time......and it's usually something I can build off of quite nicely


-nave
 
fkeefe.......it's really just about life in general I suppose...

The way I figure it in the song, or the charactor in the song figures it is that if you can get things right just a couple of times.......and if you only screw things up a couple times.......

Then it all wasn't so bad....and was worth while.....

that's all..........


and as far as the paint thinner and mice thing...........I FINALLY FREAKIN SEE HOW YOU GUYS WERE ALL READING IT....you see to me I didn't ever see it as "of paint and of paint thinner" because I was just seeing the typo.......and saying to myself "oh, I typed 'of paint' " one too many times..........now I see how it(the typo) actually makes sense both conceptually and grammatically.........See it's a strange situation because ....normally when you type a typo ...your not expecting it make sense at all, right? I mean what the heck are the chances of that.........It's like if I type this this twice......see that previous sentence doesn't make sense because of the "this" twice....

So it didn't even occur to me to read the line to myself.....My computerized brain just saw it and immediately diagnosed the problem as TYPO :D......It just so happened that this typo actually made sense....:) and it read as "of paint and of paint thinner and of mice" .............when it should have been just "of paint thinner and of mice."

That was funny lol......I can finally see it......it actually works somehow with the music too..........and that's were beaver was coming in with the stream of consciousness......See I didn't quite understand where he was coming from with that either because I missed how the line actually made sense.........Now the pieces are coming together............Geez that was alot of typing to explain just that......


-nave
 
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