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  1. #1
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    collaborate

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    hey all
    I am interested in some music for these lyrics
    anyone interested in collaborating with me on can email me
    kielburger@eastlink.ca


    Soldiers Lament

    what are we doing
    why are we here
    my buddies are dying
    the reasons unclear
    some tell us stay and others say go
    the right thing , the right way I just dont know

    I didnt know it,d be like it is
    I thought they'd like me,
    my life im prepared to give
    isnt that the greatest love
    weren,t you told too
    somehow its lost meaning
    when you dont share the view

    how would i feel if this were my home
    always uniforms and guns did they roam
    would i resent them
    or would i dance
    welcome them in like they grand fathers in france

    the people back home
    man what a mess
    they all say they want to help those who have less
    but they keep on driving keep on consuming
    denying the vision of ruin thats looming
    wont admit its a factor or call it root cause
    dont want to wear that label, dont even pause
    to consider their actions cause and effect
    for them i cant feel any respect

    when will it stop
    this conflict of old
    when will killing each other just be scary tales told
    thats the only answer
    thats the only way
    dont pull that trigger
    just walk away


    maybe theres bigger reasons
    maybe they gotta point
    does my life back home
    put there nose outa joint
    are the leaders i elect doing right things
    what does it cost this oil from the ground
    how much blood does it take to drown
    a people a country

  2. #2
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    well maybee just some suggestions then

    Song stucture tips would be welcome too

    Its kinda funny, it seems uncool or taboo to say anything against war lately
    Some strange kinda kneejerk backlash against the unjust criticizing of vietnam era soldiers, no one wants to be seen as being unsupportive

    Id like to post afew quotes from some suprising sources worth hearing from:

    "Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is humanity hanging on a cross of iron." [ Dwight Eisenhower ]

    "To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, or that we are to stand by the president right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public." [ Theodore Roosevelt ]

    "Naturally, the common people don't want war ... but after all it is the leaders of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. All you have to do is to tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in every country." [Hermann Goering]

    get up stand
    dont give up the fight
    PK

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by peterset View Post
    hey all
    I am interested in some music for these lyrics
    anyone interested in collaborating with me on can email me
    kielburger@eastlink.ca


    Soldiers Lament

    what are we doing
    why are we here
    my buddies are dying
    the reasons unclear
    some tell us stay and others say go
    the right thing , the right way I just dont know

    I didnt know it,d be like it is
    I thought they'd like me,
    my life im prepared to give
    isnt that the greatest love
    weren,t you told too
    somehow its lost meaning
    when you dont share the view

    how would i feel if this were my home
    always uniforms and guns did they roam
    would i resent them
    or would i dance
    welcome them in like they grand fathers in france

    the people back home
    man what a mess
    they all say they want to help those who have less
    but they keep on driving keep on consuming
    denying the vision of ruin thats looming
    wont admit its a factor or call it root cause
    dont want to wear that label, dont even pause
    to consider their actions cause and effect
    for them i cant feel any respect

    when will it stop
    this conflict of old
    when will killing each other just be scary tales told
    thats the only answer
    thats the only way
    dont pull that trigger
    just walk away


    maybe theres bigger reasons
    maybe they gotta point
    does my life back home
    put there nose outa joint
    are the leaders i elect doing right things
    what does it cost this oil from the ground
    how much blood does it take to drown
    a people a country
    Okay, I'll give the lyrics a shot, but keep in mind that they're YOUR lyrics. Whatever I say about them you can use or trash. Free advice is usually worth every cent that you paid for it. Also, this is all "constructive criticism"--and you asked. Nothing personal. I'm looking at anonymous lyrics on a screen.

    That said, let's start with the title "Soldier's Lament". Are you a soldier? I don't get that feeling from the rest of your lyrics, and if you're not, you're bullshitting from the get-go.

    The first verse is, frankly, boring. I can see the sentiment, but it's "blah,blah,blah." Sounds like you're 17 or 18, trying to imagine what it would be like to be a soldier, in battle. Truth is, though, most of your time as a soldier will be tedius, not in combat. Your buddies won't be dying. You'll know why you're there, you're under orders. The reasons will be very clear, to you and your buddies, they died by gunshot, by IED, by sniper. You'll know, very graphically. You will also understand the political reasons. You'll have gotten daily briefings. As I say, from the lyrics, you don't sound like a soldier.

    "what are we doing
    why are we here
    my buddies are dying
    the reasons unclear
    some tell us stay and others say go
    the right thing , the right way I just dont know

    Your grammar is poor, your structure is strained, as if you're trying to hard to rhyme with "go." OTOH, if you reversed the previous line:

    "some tell us to go and others say stay"

    you'll have more play with the next lines, and they won't sound so stilted and simplistic.

    I didnt know it,d be like it is
    I thought they'd like me,
    my life im prepared to give
    isnt that the greatest love
    weren,t you told too
    somehow its lost meaning
    when you dont share the view

    Again, your grammar is stilted. You're stretching for rhymes.
    "My life I'm prepared to give" ?--Like Yoda you sound.

    Line 6 and 7 don't match tense. "Somehow it loses meaning when you don't share the view." or "somehow it's lost meaning
    since you don't share the view." I assume you meant "it has", as opposed to "it is" or the possessive "its". It doesn't make much sense, in any case.

    how would i feel if this were my home
    always uniforms and guns did they roam
    would i resent them
    or would i dance
    welcome them in like they grand fathers in france

    Again the grammar. Once in a great while (IOW, once in the whole song) and you could call it poetic license. When you do it in every single verse, in nearly every sentence/phrase, just bad grammar it is. As before I said, like Yoda you sound. "Always uniforms and guns did they roam" ? Again, assumption here: This is about the Iraq war. Uniforms and guns were normal there during Saddam's reign, no change now with the Americans. Your home is different, I imagine. Soldiers with guns and armor would be different. But there?

    Um, where does France come in? You ask in first person, so "them" is the Iraqis who take over your home. What did their grandfathers do in France? And when? No clue what you mean here, other than you were looking for a rhyme with dance. When it's that obvious, you seem like a hack (Moon and June in Tune, and soon, before I swoon or hit you with a spoon...that kind of hack.)

    I'm going to stop now. I think you get the idea. IMHO, it needs a lot of work.

    However, I reiterate that they are YOUR lyrics. With a killer melody and back up sound, it could go to number 1 as is, since many people don't pay a damn bit of attention to lyrics, but buy the song for its sound rather than content or meaning. But since you are asking for collaboration to get a melody, the final product would be a chart topper, not on your work, but on the work of the musician.

    Good luck with it, peterset.
    Once you have beaten all your swords into plowshares, along will come a group of guys who haven't.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Folkie View Post
    The first verse is, frankly, boring. I can see the sentiment, but it's "blah,blah,blah." Sounds like you're 17 or 18, trying to imagine what it would be like to be a soldier, in battle. Truth is, though, most of your time as a soldier will be tedius, not in combat. Your buddies won't be dying. You'll know why you're there, you're under orders. The reasons will be very clear, to you and your buddies, they died by gunshot, by IED, by sniper. You'll know, very graphically. You will also understand the political reasons. You'll have gotten daily briefings. As I say, from the lyrics, you don't sound like a soldier.

    "what are we doing
    why are we here
    my buddies are dying
    the reasons unclear
    some tell us stay and others say go
    the right thing , the right way I just dont know
    Actually, as a old ex soldier, this verse is the only one I like, the rest being to anti-war for my taste. Perhaps today's soldiers in today's war would not agree, but I remember having these feelings, even after all the pre-deployment propoganda aimed at answering such questions. Perhaps is is different than in the days when draftees were doing most of the fighting.

    Tom

  5. #5
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    Some good feedback from Folkie...

    The songwriting forum can be a little quiet at times...so don't blame it on your topic...

    The message in the lyrics doesn't upset me at all. We have troops over in Afghanistan and I think the opinions are divided right down the middle. You touch upon several very viable points - like the "consuming" thing.

    I think you could do some revising here and there as suggested. I think you need a hook that really captures the vibe of the song. I'm not getting a real chorus (where the hook would be).

    That said, I hope with or without revisions, you get someone to help you with your collab.


  6. #6
    danny.guitar Guest
    I think the topic of the song is good (although since the war in Iraq there's been millions of songs just like this one) but your way of getting your point across is pretty cliché and uninteresting. I have to agree with Folkie on all points.

    I'm terrible at writing lyrics, so if I were to try & write this song it would probably come out even worse. But as someone who can appreciate good lyrics, I would be pretty bored and uninterested listening to this song unless the background music was amazing.

    A good song you may want to listen to is "Jimi Hendrix - The Wind Cries Mary" and get an idea of how someone can tell a story without having to actually tell the story. Using analogies and other things can be really effective and get the listener to pay attention or sometimes even try to "figure out" what the song is really about.

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