All right...I moved it...

SEDstar

Active member
I got tired of waiting so I moved it. This is the earlier of two versions, this ones AABB, the other one was AACBBC, cant find it as easily and some people said it was too "poem" and too "structured". I got my fireproof nomex suit on, lmao, i can take it on the chin. Wheres finsterx with my brutally honest kick in the nuts? I got my cup on...lmao.
:eek:


Jimmy's Apple Trees (c)2001


had a friend in jimmy but I didn't like him much
not a thing in common we were really outta touch
friend or two in common and I really had to try
didn' think about it much, never wonder why

if it wasn't for a hunt then i dont think I'd even try
now i feel so guilty letting all this time go by
wasn't till you took me to the apple grove that year
that i really had a reason to decide to keep you near


(begin chorus)
now that you're all gone i really miss a quiet time
when patience was a virtue and impatience is a crime
taught me to be patient and you taught me just to wait
that a deer will come to you when you are near an apple bait
we are really far apart, only friends can be
jimmy's gun is way too big, waiting in the freeze
seems to take forever when youre patient you will see
that a deer is gonna wander into jimmy's apple trees
(end chorus)

Cordless phones are lovely when i listen in to win
dialing in a frequency and learning all the sins
all i really care about 'n all i wanna hear
is for you to say "I'm sorry" then you never know i'm here

instead i hear you laughing while i'm sitting in a car
"can't wait to get that money" now you really went too far
'cos I can be a patient man...never rash or bold
'n i can wait for winter when that apple grove is cold

(chorus)

don' know what you thought about if anythign at all
you shoulda kept that junk away from jimmy in the fall
know that you were thinkin' no one cares a-bout the boy
thought it would be easy take a life we all enjoy

gonna give you lots of time, maybe change your mind
but then i'm gonna bait you in and let you know you're mine
I know what you did now though i wasnt even there
and i can wait for winter time to show you how i care

(chorus)

now you got the mon-ey, and you're callin' on a phone
you dont know its me you call, or recognize the tone
glad you got the money and you wanna make a buy
you know where to drop that cash and keep on walkin' by

walk on to the phone booth, theres a number there to call
i'll tell you where to go and when so you can have a ball
patience is a virtue if you wait then you will see
special package waiting for you, in the apple trees

(chorus)

you really are a lovely girl, really just a dear
now you're all alone and i'm the only one thats here
you see a note from jimmy, with the money wonder how
jimmy has a gift for you, you've earned it baby POW!

everybody wondered where his special gun had went
i think its really funny how the message has been sent
I leave a couple words now on the stock for all to see
"special love from jimmy from beyond the apple trees"

(chorus)

...that a dear is gonna wander into jimmy's apple trees...
 
That was....wierd.

As for critiques, um, you got nothin in common then you have friends in common. I don't like the use of the same word there, especially since it seems contradictory. Otherwise, I'm a little freaked out about a song about you being at odds with your "Jimmy" and your "Apples" but that's just me, I guess...I'm sure there's an audience for it somewhere...
 
i hear you...

I hear you, i know it needs work..."tweaked", in a few places, and thats one of them, sure there are others for "singability".

you'd have to understand, any other song i wrote, i usually just get the straight from the shoulder "i dont like it", or "dude, it sucks, I'm not being rude, but..."

this would be the only one to date i get anythign positive on, or "it needs somethng, but its close"

so, theres "somethng" there, someone could work with? well, i aint outta the woods yet..i gotta get this past a few "simons" on here first, heh heh

editors note: I always pictured it as an acoustic guitar song, but (gulp) I am beginning to "hear" a southern twang country singer "doing it" in my head (smack...smack...I want THAT outta there....lmao) plus it has that hunting theme, that doesnt help make it not a country song either.

noodling around brainstorming with an amp on drunk, lmao, one young guitar player who cant sing pretended he was doing a heavy metal take of it with power chords, lmao...we laughed 'cos we were fooling around, but it was offered around the room that the "revenge" thing and the general coldness of it all might possibly lend it to a heavier electric guitar, MAYbe...

I dunno. since i have lyrics before any music, I guess the next step is to come up with a melody. For me, its easier the other way around, but...whatever. I just keep hearing an acoustic guitar with it in my head. As long as it doesnt involve an accordion, I am open to any other suggestions, I am no professional, i welcome any advice, on key or whatnot. See, thats where the "melody first" helps...it will set or suggest a key... what, do i pick keys out of a hat in search of a melody?? oh well...
 
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