My first song I'm sharing.

Tomorrow

I should have a revised version tomorrow. No school for me so I'll probably be up tonight and working on it tomorrow.

Adam
 
32-20-Blues said:
Bring it. Isn't marshall's song cool though?
Click to expand...

Yeah its class, Larry King, I like that.

Yeah, 120 more rep than you, shit winds gonna blow your way.
Why you gotta be all up in my eyes, gnome sayin? I ain't got your candy. I can spin a rhyme like a lazy susan, and im inncent until my guilt is proven. J to the R O C.

Yeah Marshalls song is cool. Hows the re-work going Adam?
 
sams song

i said i would, so i did. feedback appreciated. this is something i am doing right now so bear with me. its not the finished article.

i remember a time
not so long ago
even though you might say
im not so old
when people could walk the street
without the fear of punishment
now if you look up from your feet
your stepping on someone...

we are all part of the same world
every boy, every girl
why must we pay
for our fathers mistakes and prejudices oh
we are all part of the same world.


i know, its not got the same message anymore. if you could see my 'mental notes', you would see that i started with ideas like yours, but the song just took over in writing while i was playing guitar and turned into a song about political correctness overkill. i just wanted you to know that it was you that inspired me to write this :)

this part song took about 10 mins to write
 
I like it

I like the first paragraph, which is the verse i guess? the second part(chorus?) i like in the sense that it would make a really awesome protest song. like a jam song at a rally or something. good job. and thanks again for the compliment.

Adam
 
First revision

OK so the day after i post the song I am told at school that Ontario has decided every school in the province must go through new drills this year. Internal lockdown incase of intruder (code for "all that stuff happens on the news will probably happen here too") ironic no? we've never ever had to do anything like that. needless to say i was a little frustrated. you guys may have heard about the shooting at Dawson college in Montreal where 19 people were hurt and a woman and the gunman were shot dead. its been crazy up here since that happened. no thanks to the fuckers in T.O. not helping our image much. No offense to US, but i always prided myself as Canada being a much safer place than the states. Now theres a guy shot dead every day in just Southern Ontario. Its not exaggerated either. There really is a new story everyday. I remember in Bowling for Columbine a few years ago when there was that whole part about out slums looked liek decent american neighbourhoods and all that was on CBC was politics and hockey and firefighters rescuing kittys out of trees. so much for that.


ANYWAY

my new version.
_________________________________________________________________
Verses

Does anyone recall, years before the towers would fall?
Kids would walk home alone, nobody use to need a cellphone.
Do you remember when, CNN wasn't so hell bent on
Scaring the shit out of you?

They banned merry go rounds, and had them torn out of the ground.
They said we had to be inside, before the streetlights started to shine.
Strangers became enemies, all thanks to Larry King.
I remember when, there'd be some good news now and then.

Pre-Chorus

But then 20/20 had to warn all the mommy's about
Child rape, and Columbine, rising crime, teen suicide.
I remember when
The schoolyard didn't have a fence
But now all news is bad news.

Chorus

All news is bad news.
Ya now all news is bad news

Bridge

There's a lack of trust in the world today.
There's fear in peoples heads.
A fictional dysfunction,
danger 'round every bend.
Precautionary measures for
situations far fetched.
You worry that they're on their way
just because they're not here yet.
_________________________________________________________________


Sorry about the rant. Comments/arguments/help with the song are all really appreciated.

Adam
 
Adam - sounds like you have lots of inspiration for this song right in your own back yard. Shame really.....

Your song has come along nicely since you first posted. It looks to be ready for building melody/chords (if you haven't already done that).

You've got great lines in this - cool.....

I'll keep watching for updates - I'm looking forward to hearing the final product.

Good job!


:) :D :) :D
 
You are able to portray very potent thoughts with some creative wording. I really likes these lines

"Precautionary measures for
situations far fetched.
You worry that they're on their way
just because they're not here yet."

The last two lines are really, really good - the irony of those lines is very clever and deep - If I recall your original post indicated you are 15. Few 15 year olds can write this well - I know I sure couldn't come up with something as clever as those last two lines when I was 15 (and I have certain doubts if I could write lines that well now).
 
Hey Adam!

Thats so shit about the lockdown...its also interesting, Bowling for Columbine was on here last night! But I think its indicative of the way the world is going. Gang crime and gun crime is rising over here in Ireland, where owning a gun is illegal. It may seem constricting, but its good that your school is taking steps to prevent it. A few years back, four guys in my school got drunk and kicked a guy to death outside a night club. This was a huge deal, as my school wa sone of the more well-to-do in the city, if ya get me. But my school did nothing to address the issue and its clear from the youth culture in this country that these things are gonna happen again and again.

So as for your song, I'm very glad you've written it. I'm even happier you left the cuss words in! The whole thing seems much more balanced in terms of structure. "A fictional dysfunction, danger 'round every bend." is my favourite line, you really got it together here, its excellent.

Its turning out to be a poignant, dark song...like when Neil sings ''I see a woman in the night...", its dark but evocative. I like it man.
 
Thanks guys.

Ya it really has turned out a little darker than i thought it might.I feel comfortable with how its come out though. As for chords, i'm still working on them, but here's an idea. the verses are pretty major based and happy-ish sounding, as they are about reminiscing of the past. the chorus has a sort of minor fall and sounds significantly darker. the bridge im working on so far is fairly dark too with a lift at the end to come back to a varied main riff for the outro/chorus. oh ya and the chorus refrain will be over the verse chords.

Verse

A E7/G# A C D

Chorus

E Am E Am E Am E Am F

Bridge

Am F Am F Am F Fm

For most parts, the high is droned through out. So for example on the Amaj i make sure to hit the high e every couple strokes.

ill tab out some of the patterns later.

thanks for your help guys.

Adam
 
Nice stuff :)

As you put it to music, don't be scared to simplify. Don't overcomplicate the music to fit a clever lyric, just find a more direct way of saying it if need be.

The music isn't background music to a poem, nor is the lyric an excuse for a tune. Keep doing as you are doing, and make them come together into a whole.

It looks to me as if you have the hard part done. Now it's all about polishing it :)

Great work!
 
I sorta like the words. But its a text, not a song. Add some music if you are able to. Else ask here and someone might give it a shot.
 
Next step

I shared my song with my band tonight. First time I've had to do that. Good experience. They liked it, and they helped me improve it too here and there. I played it for them as I wrote it, and we worked on that a little bit, but then my bass player asked if we could give it a shot as more of a rock song. so we sped it up and i cranked up the distortion and we've got a dynamite punk rock song on our hands. We really like both versions, and we're going to keep them because of our varying audiences. Sometimes we're playing to our ideal crowd, who would prefer the louder, more punk rock version, or as its now refer to as, the younger version :p and the slower semi-acoustic almost folk punk version for the more mature crowds we sometimes play for. The only lyrical changes we made are the second halfs of the verses got swapped and we changed school yard didnt have a fence to need a fence because we think it makes more sense. Right now me and my bass player(singer) are going through the tough part, the vocal structure and melodies.

Thanks again to everyone who helped. If you ever hear this on the radio (ya right), know that it wouldn't have been the same song without your help. And don't bug me for royalites, jerks! :D

Adam
 
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