Death and Resurrection [lyrics]

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1ply

New member
Ok, here it goes.

DEATH AND RESURRECTION
© Dwight Wayne “Rip” Van Winkle, Seattle, WA, USA
Friday, May 04, 2007

Leviathan, Dragon of chaos;
Your nails skinned my flesh.
Your teeth gnawed my bones.
Your jaws crushed my skeleton.
Your tongue licked my marrow.
Your lips sucked my juices.
Your cheeks piped a dirge.
Your gullet swallowed me down.
Your stomach’s acid dissolved me.

I called on the one you gobbled up.
I lamented to the one you disgorged.
The slippery one descended into your belly.
He scooped me up in his wineskin.
He carried me along his millennial path.
The breeze gently stirred over the waters.
He breathed life’s breath into my nostrils.
He kissed away all my tears.

Death, you may dine on me yet again,
But we will feast on you at his table,
We will pick and grin forever in his palace.
Together we will lament your passing.

As always, I value your constructive criticism. The music will come later if it comes at all.
 
1ply said:
We will pick and grin forever in his palace.
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I love the way it builds to a conclusion in the hereafter. Bit of a morbid way to get there but many of the Psalms are built similarly. The line I quoted doesn't seem to fit well with the rest of the song though. I would change it to doing almost anything else 'in his palace'. (Or in His palace.) Picking and grinning has a Hee Haw sort of feel to it and it just seems out of place here.

Nice effort. I would love to hear some distorted guitar work and some in your face drums behind this one. jmho
 
I read this earlier, but had to go out, and wanted to give time to feedback.

I hadn't expected you to post so soon (and am glad that you have!). As suspected, you have a distinctive voice.

The lyric reads as a poem. Maybe a psalm. I think it will be very difficult to to it justice with music (or it would be for me), and I wish you luck with it. I have written poetry, and I find lyric-writing to be a different discipline. There is no reason at all why poetry should not be set to music, however, and it has been (successfully). It maybe says more about me that I find I have to adjust the style of writing between the two disciplines. Your mileage may vary.

The song is powerful. Leviathan can be read in a number of ways. Some see it as the sea itself. Some see it as chaos (and you seem to refer to it as that). Some see it as an embodiment of sacriledge.

I read the song as a celebration of the singers rise from a time enveloped by chaos through religious experience (and a personal religious experience in which some mercy was shown).

I loved some lines. "He scooped me up in his wineskin", for example. The final line is excellent too. Incidentally, it is the only line where you specifically talk about a feeling rather than an action (assuming "lament" has an implicit element of sadness).

Some lines struck me as requiring some work, but here we do get into personal taste. I didn't like the "stomach's acid" reference so much - maybe because it seemed more passive on the part of the Leviathan than some of the other lines. Also, I think there may be an opportunity missed. What part of you was swallowed? What part of you was dissolved?

Like up-fiddler, I wasn't too keen on the valedictory tone of the celebration at the end. However, I do understand that this is part of the story and that his flesh is meant to be served to the righteous. However, it would be nice (personal taste caveat here) to get a sense of continuing struggle.. but maybe that is more about my belief than yours.

I didn't hear distorted guitars (but can see how that could work). I heard more of a declamatory style, a chanting or the sound of an Imam singing from a tower in the early evening, or a choir in a resonant chapel or cathedral.

It is very powerful and thanks for sharing.
 
This is a great piece of writing employing form and content of the romantic period. The reiteration of the dragons various parts and the damage they inflict is reminiscent of Juliet (all be it in the positive) describing Romeo’s various parts with god-like comparisons.

The big question as already alluded to by Freddy is – Are these lyrics or poetry to be set to music? If it is the later then I feel you have already done a splendid job and now you only have the difficulty of the musical arrangement.

If they are to be lyrics then there is much that could be done to shape them into a more effective (not necessarily commercial) song structure.

Who do you see as your potential audience? If I was to base the answer on content of this song alone then I might well say Death Metal, Goth Rock or 70s Rock Epic Revival – maybe that’s why Up-Fiddler hears distortion!?!

For my part of this is the crafting of a song: while we might write under inspiration, after we must apply the divine trinity of form, content and audience – to shape the work effectively.

I believe that art that transcends time owes its permanence as much to a collusion of power, luck and curriculum as it does to its own greatness. That said if the work had not achieved the efficiency of form, content and audience in the first place it would not have got a look in.

I like your work and the feelings it evokes - it is very power stuff. It is so dramatic and individual however I am not entirely certain in which context it should exist and therefore how I should respond? Perhaps it is my own limitations that I need scaffolding to guide my resonse.
 
Repsonse 1

Thank you so much for your responses and for honoring me by reading this and critically and kindly interacting with it.

This is my first response. I am briefly home from prison. I had a long day on Saturday and will have another one today. You have given me much to ponder.

“I would change it to doing almost anything else 'in his palace'. (Or in His palace.) Picking and grinning has a Hee Haw sort of feel to it and it just seems out of place here.”
I agree that I need to work more on this line.

I agree that it reads more like a psalm than lyrics for a song written in English. I have studied ancient Hebrew poetry so much that it has infected me. I see now that all poems do not make good songs. Why do realizations like this come so late in life?

I will contemplate specifying emotions. The expression of emotion in this is more oblique.

“Some lines struck me as requiring some work, but here we do get into personal taste. I didn't like the "stomach's acid" reference so much - maybe because it seemed more passive on the part of the Leviathan than some of the other lines. Also, I think there may be an opportunity missed. What part of you was swallowed? What part of you was dissolved?”

I’ll ponder this as well and will work more on this line too.

“Like up-fiddler, I wasn't too keen on the valedictory tone of the celebration at the end. However, I do understand that this is part of the story and that his flesh is meant to be served to the righteous. However, it would be nice (personal taste caveat here) to get a sense of continuing struggle.. but maybe that is more about my belief than yours.”

I strongly believe that life involves continual struggle. I hoped to express this in the line “Death, you may dine on me yet again.” I also wanted to express my belief that ultimately the resurrection swallows up death. My life is all about struggle, barely hanging on to faith but acting upon it so long as I have it.

I don’t plan on giving up my faith soon but it is always subject to revision. Some are certain of their faith, I am not. I believe that my faith is the most probable alternative and probabilities always have to be revisited and re-weighed. But long as I believe it, I will act upon it. If my experience, logic or evidence prove it to be wrong, it is better that I find out now and reconstruct a new mental map which corresponds more closely to reality.

This poem expresses my perspective at one time. Other times I lament and rage against the One who seems to be asleep at the wheel.

I had not really thought of the potential audience. I guess I my audience was the One and myself (and now others). I took idea and shaped it from an entry in my journal. Like other things, I need to ponder this.

Again, thank you for all your help. I have some more thoughts but I must go.

Peace
 
1ply said:
I guess I my audience was the One and myself (and now others).
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That's a pretty good audience :)

When posting on here, you will get all sorts of different perspectives. They are offered as input rather than advice - an alternative viewpoint, if you will.

However, we will never be as close to what you want to create as you will, and there is no reason to conform to norms or prejudices.

This is also a two-way process. Your work has given me cause to think about my own, and I thank you for that :)
 
Freddy said:
When posting on here, you will get all sorts of different perspectives. They are offered as input rather than advice - an alternative viewpoint, if you will.

However, we will never be as close to what you want to create as you will, and there is no reason to conform to norms or prejudices.

This is also a two-way process. Your work has given me cause to think about my own, and I thank you for that :)
Click to expand...

Freddy wins the Best Post for 2007 So Far Contest. This is a very concise description of what we do here. ;)

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Freddy again.
 
The words and opinions have no inherent value; they lose my meaning the moment they are given voice beyond me. Then you read them as you will. It is in this dialogue that riches are to be found.

'A group will always devise a better solution then the most intelligent person in the group would devise on their own' - The Wisdom of Crowds - great book.

I'm pretty dumb so I'm relying on you guys for the good answers
 
Some of the images of this poem/psalm go back to Babylonian and Canaanite poetry which has been assimilated and adapted by the Hebrew Bible. Perhaps the Babylonian images go back to Sumerian images. I have not found a Sumerian tablet that fits but since so much Babylonian mythology has its origin in Sumerian mythology, I think this is likely.
In Babylonian and Canaanite mythology the dragon refers to the anti-god who was destroyed by the gods in order to form the world. The chief god, Marduk the chief god of Babylon, Ashur, the chief god of Assyria, and Baal the chief god of Canaan split the dragon in half like a shell fish. Half of her he made into the heavens and half he made into the earth. The anti-god was characterized as the sea since this was a threat to farming which depended upon fresh water. The dragon, the sea and chaos are all one.
I warned you that I was obscure
 
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