Chariot (here's some lyrics to review)

[sharonclowe]

My dad asked me to write a song that would incorporate my grandparent's names (not a simple request as they have some wild names like "Homer Columbus" and "Mildred Alice") AND have the song express their religious faith AND include my spiritual beliefs. Organized religion is a bit of a sore spot with me so I thought there would be no way I could compose a song to satisfy all the above requests. One day I was kinda humming to myself the old-fashioned spiritual song (Swing Low, Sweet Chariot) and wondered if I could incorporate any of those images into a song of my own. I have a recording of this, but I'm not particularly happy with it (at all!) That's one of the reasons I've starting coming to this forum in hopes of learning how to record myself so I can tinker with my songs till I get them to sound just how I want. I'll put a link up to the song if you promise not to howl too loudly at all the mistakes in it!! Anyway, here are the lyrics

"Chariot"
I don't care what you think of me
I can see through your facade
So watch me open my big mouth
and fire off one last shot
I don't know how I got caught in this lariat of fear
But there's gas enough in this old chariot
to get me out of here

(CHORUS) Swing low and sing it to me sweet so I can find the road
take me back to the home I used to know
Swing low and sing it to me sweet, I've got so far to go
And that chariot on fire is moving slow

If you get there before me
won't you hold me a place in line
Cause the river's wide and I'm scared to death
I won't reach the other side
I know angels are watching me
and they've been working overtime
So I'll jump in cause I know how to swim
and you can pull me out alive

(CHORUS) Swing low and sing it to me sweet so I can find the road
That will take me back to the home I used to know
Swing low and sing it to me sweet, I've got so far to go
And that chariot on fire is moving slow

(Bridge) And I've been told there's
streets of gold I'll see someday
But from where I stand
they seem so far away

Homer Columbus, Raymond Hugh
Dorothy Diella and Mildred Alice
did the best that they could do
my grandparents had fire and brimstone
and they'd get down on their knees
I'm from the same blood oh good God above
there's gotta be hope for me

(CHORUS) Swing low and sing it to me sweet so I can find the road
That will take me back to the home I used to know
Swing low and sing it to me sweet cause I've got so far to go
And that chariot on fire is moving slow

Swing low and sing it to me sweet
I just can't find the road
And that chariot on fire is moving slow

 

[Armistice]

When I read your explanation my initial thought was "This is going to be excruiciating"...

However, as much as I'm not on fond of the subject matter, I like it...

Lots of space, not overplayed.

I think you have something here.

Nice.

 

[Chili]

Like Armistice, I didn't know what to expect. Wow. Really like the song. I think the lyrics are great. You incorporated your tasks and gave us some nice imagery. If I were to offer any suggestions, I'd say pare it down a little. At 4.5 minutes, your listeners might start to lose interest because the song doesn't throw up any significant changes to melody or arrangement.

On the other hand, with such a narrowly targeted audience such as your family, you don't have to worry about that much.

Thanks for sharing.
peace,

 

[sharonclowe]

When I read your explanation my initial thought was "This is going to be excruiciating"...

However, as much as I'm not on fond of the subject matter, I like it...

Thanks Armistice! I totally understand your anticipation of something horrendous, sappy, and nauseating!! (That was my reaction when my Dad suggested I write this!) There's a bunch of holy rollers in my family so I tried not to piss them off too much while still maintaining my sincere ambivalence about the whole "God" thing.

Like Armistice, I didn't know what to expect. Wow. Really like the song. I think the lyrics are great. You incorporated your tasks and gave us some nice imagery. If I were to offer any suggestions, I'd say pare it down a little. At 4.5 minutes, your listeners might start to lose interest because the song doesn't throw up any significant changes to melody or arrangement.

Hi Chili...thanks for listening to this one (and that "Hero" song on the Mp3 board). Don't worry, not EVERYTHING I write is related to my Dad...

My friend who did this recording for me also said the same thing about the length...I think I could easily shorten it by cutting out the 2nd chorus and just go straight into the bridge part. This might be a good project for me to try out my editing skills? Can I use reaper to cut out a chunk of the song?

I appreciate you and Armistice giving me feedback especially since the song description might be scaring off some others?! I was beginning to wonder why nobody was commenting...I didn't think the song sucked that bad!

 

[Chili]

Don't worry, not EVERYTHING I write is related to my Dad...

Nah, I'm totally relating. My sister is making some kind of video for my dad's 80th birthday and I have to write the music.

Can I use reaper to cut out a chunk of the song?

Yes, you can. I'm not familiar with Reaper, but most every DAW program has extensive editing functions.

I was beginning to wonder why nobody was commenting...I didn't think the song sucked that bad!

It takes a while for people to warm up to newbs. In the MP3 clinic, you'll fare a better chance to get comments by giving comments. Even if you don't have any advice or suggestions for a mix, just a simple "I like it" or I don't like it and here's why..." works well. The more you comment on others' submissions, the more people will give you feedback.

If I haven't already said so, welcome to the site.

 

[dewhitt]

Hi,

You have a nice song here, I like the feel and the lyrics work really well with the whole thing. I have a suggestion, and I hope it's not going to rub you the wrong way if you were only looking for feedback on the lyrics, but here goes...

You should change up the chords/melody at the end line of each verse to add interest and provide a nice musical conflict/resolution going into the chorus. Right now the chords and melody repeat through the verses and don't change - E - c# - B - c#. It would be very easy to add interest by changing the chords and melody for the last line of each verse. For example, at the end of verse one, when you sing the lines "...to get me out of here" try coming up with a new melody over the following chords: A - E - B played in the same rhythmic structure that your other lines are in. Ending on B there will provide a nice feel when you go back to E for the chorus. Or, you could try other chords/rhythms/melodies, just as long as it provides a change and adds some movement/interest to the song.

Hopefully this makes sense and is not too presumptuous

Best Regards,

Dave DeWhitt
http://www.soundclick.com/davedewhitt

 

[sharonclowe]

Hi Dave...I can try that! (And no...don't worry about rubbing me the wrong way ). I play this with a capo (I think it was on the 3rd fret for this song) though so I'm not sure what the translation would be for an A chord. When I'm playing the first chord is a regular old "C", the 2nd chord is whatever you call this...(??)

e|---|
B|-1-|
G|-2-|
D|-3-|
A|-X-|
E|-X-|

the third chords is this (??!!)

e|---|
B|-1-|
G|---|
D|---|
A|-3-|
E|-3-|

and 4th chord is this
e|---|
B|-1-|
G|---|
D|-2-|
A|---|
E|-X-|

so based on that...would the "A" be the equivalent of to F chord?

Anyway...thanks again for listening and I'll try out some different variations!

 

[dewhitt]

Yes, that F shaped chord (A flat Major) is what was sounding right to me, but you may come up with something different. Also, I probably confused you a little because when I listened earlier I thought I was hearing you playing the song in E Major, but after reading what you wrote and then playing around with a guitar in hand, it turns out you are actually in E Flat Major. So, if you want to try what I was hearing in my head, you can play A Flat Major (F shaped chord with capo on 3rd fret), E flat Major (C shaped chord with capo on 3rd fret), and then B flat Major (G shaped chord with capo on 3rd fret). You could also replace the E Flat Major chord with c minor (an a minor shaped chord on the 3rd fret capo) which sounds really nice there too!!! Or there are a million (well, maybe not a million ) other possibilities that would probably be great. Melody is key, so focus on that and see where that takes the chords.

Good luck! Even if you don't change anything it's still a nice tune.

Best Regards,

Dave DeWhitt
http://www.soundclick.com/davedewhitt

 

[FunkDaddy]

Reading the lyric I thought the song would be rushed but you pace it really nicely. I wouldn't worry about the length if it's just for family, even if it's not, 4.5 isn't abnormally long.

Really great chorus.

 

[rayc]

On reading I was worried about
Lariat
& the line
And that chariot on fire is moving slow
Lariat works fine & the line is OK but I'd prefer it to be THIS rather than THAT particularly since you use THIS in the 1st verse.
And this chariot on fire is moving slow
It's a matter of consistency as well as perspective. In the verse the impression is of you riding in the chariot whereas the chorus refers more abstractly as if you were aside & pointing.
There is more imagery in THIS as it suggests riding in the chariot, it moving slowly yet being on fire which creates a sense of urgency.
THis is, of course, me being picky but you've done a fine job on the song & my ears would be happier if the little detail , as I read it, sat a little better. Of corse it should read "...moving slowly." but that's a matter or metre & licence.
Great job regardless of my meddling mind.

 

[sharonclowe]

On reading I was worried about
Lariat
& the line
And that chariot on fire is moving slow
Lariat works fine & the line is OK but I'd prefer it to be THIS rather than THAT particularly since you use THIS in the 1st verse.
And this chariot on fire is moving slow
It's a matter of consistency as well as perspective. In the verse the impression is of you riding in the chariot whereas the chorus refers more abstractly as if you were aside & pointing.
There is more imagery in THIS as it suggests riding in the chariot, it moving slowly yet being on fire which creates a sense of urgency.
THis is, of course, me being picky but you've done a fine job on the song & my ears would be happier if the little detail , as I read it, sat a little better. Of corse it should read "...moving slowly." but that's a matter or metre & licence.
Great job regardless of my meddling mind.

Hi Ray. You have a really interesting observation I hadn't even thought of! In the first verse, the "chariot" I'm referring to is more myself...as in me being a vehicle to drive myself where I want to go. But after that, the "chariot on fire moving slow(ly) " is referencing the biblical story of Elijah and how it inspired the original Negro spiritual Swing Low Sweet Chariot. So for the rest of the song, the "chariot" for me is symbolic of rescue, and me wanting to ask "what the h*ll took you so long??!!!"...but I really didn't get much deeper than that. I like your "meddling mind"!

 

[SEDstar]

...

Okay... what do i hear? heck, I'm no country fan either, lord knows that, but...

This is good. I hear it on a country CD or the band performing. When they are done with three country "anthems" in a row... they need a quiet, well written song ballad, something intimate and all... and this is it, to my ears.

you can all argue about it needs shortened to fit into "x" minutes and seconds time slot, or not...

you can all argue till the cows come home that "a little something" needs changed here and there to give minor variation through out, be that a few small chord changes, or, some verse x to the bridge y formula change...

but to the guy sitting back, just listening?

Its working, its working well... and more importantly I can just HEAR a country band doing this after thre country anthems in a row... you know, being intimate and quiet, and sharing with the audience kind of vibe? Before they go on to the next 3 anthems they wrote?

I love it. fits right in ona country album somewhere... deep enough its the cool ballad, un-deep enough no one has to strain to get it... structure and playing such that any decent country act can do the song correctly...

all wonderful to my ears.

 

[sharonclowe]

Shorter version...me learning to use Reaper

Ok....after much pain and suffering I've managed to stumble through Reaper (this is my first time EVER trying to do anything like this, so while my creation might not be perfected I'm pleased that I was able to accomplish what I wanted to try). I took the original song and cut out the 2nd chorus, went straight into the bridge, so now it's just under 4 minutes I think. I also messed around with a line I wasn't particularly happy about the way I sang in the first version (at 4:08). I liked the way the same line sounded at 2:34, so I copied that into the new "shorter" version 3:35...although it looks like the dropbox thing isn't showing the time. I wasn't exactly consistent with my tempo, so it feels a little weird as I was splicing different sections of the song. Gotta start somewhere though, right?!!

http://dl.dropbox.com/u/13390899/chariot Oct 28 attempt to edit.wav

 

[dewhitt]

Hi,

I think that's a pretty good first attempt at recording something yourself Nice job. I still like the song a lot, it's very pleasing and just has a nice feel and pace to it. I think you already hit on the one part that's a little dodgy, which is the middle change where it sounds like you are thumping the body of the guitar to provide some percussion. The timing there is off, and the transition into that part is a little rough. The first guitar chord in that section just about made me fall out of my seat

I'm curious...has your dad heard this yet, and if yes, is he suitably impressed at how you worked in his lyrical requests (which were quite difficult by the way) and did it in a way that not only ended up not bad, but is actually really good? Hopefully yes!

Best Regards,

Dave
http://www.soundclick.com/davedewhitt

 

[sharonclowe]

Hi,

I think that's a pretty good first attempt at recording something yourself Nice job. I still like the song a lot, it's very pleasing and just has a nice feel and pace to it. I think you already hit on the one part that's a little dodgy, which is the middle change where it sounds like you are thumping the body of the guitar to provide some percussion. The timing there is off, and the transition into that part is a little rough. The first guitar chord in that section just about made me fall out of my seat

I'm curious...has your dad heard this yet, and if yes, is he suitably impressed at how you worked in his lyrical requests (which were quite difficult by the way) and did it in a way that not only ended up not bad, but is actually really good? Hopefully yes!

Best Regards,

Dave
http://www.soundclick.com/davedewhitt

yeah...sorry 'bout that ridiculous thumping!!

My feeble attempt at percussion...I think next time I'll just leave the bass drum kick sounds safely in my head!! I didn't do the recording though...just messed with it on the reaper program. Yes, my dad has heard it and he liked it. He likes the "Hero" song better (which was another one he requested I write for him)....makes him cry (Bwaaaa Haaaa Haaaa)

 

[Dirk Lind]

I read the lyrics through before listening. I thought there were some really nice lines, and then some I wasn't sold on. But when I listened to the track, it all came together, and I went from a sort of positive ambivalence to thoroughly enjoying the experience. Your voice works really well with the material, it's just a really nice song all around. I concur with dewhitt about chord substitutions, it's something I'm trying to do more of myself.

Don't forget us when you hit the big-time!

 

[sharonclowe]

On reading I was worried about Lariat & the line
And that chariot on fire is moving slow Lariat works fine & the line is OK but I'd prefer it to be THIS rather than THAT particularly since you use THIS in the 1st verse.
And this chariot on fire is moving slow

I've pondered this/that dilemma now for 2 weeks. I'm certain I have to stick with "THAT" chariot in the verse b/c the whole reference to Elijah thing and waiting on a chariot to come rescue me...blah blah blah....so using "this chariot on fire is moving slow" won't work. BUT...I'm thinking I'll change the first verse by saying "there's gas enough in that (or perhaps "my"?) old chariot to get me out of here"....probably would lean more towards "that" as opposed to "my" b/c I like the way the "t" sounds harder in the word "that" and "my" followed by the word old could be misheard as "MOLD"

I read the lyrics through before listening. I thought there were some really nice lines, and then some I wasn't sold on. But when I listened to the track, it all came together, and I went from a sort of positive ambivalence to thoroughly enjoying the experience. Your voice works really well with the material, it's just a really nice song all around. I concur with dewhitt about chord substitutions, it's something I'm trying to do more of myself.

Don't forget us when you hit the big-time!

Hi Dirk...thanks a bunch for listening. Ha...no big time for me! (I'm old, old, old....just never outgrew my ridiculous 12 yr old sounding voice). This song was very personal for me (obviously with all my grandparents named) and considering my spiritual awkwardness and my general discomfort with the whole subject matter. Just be glad I wasn't trying to use my dad and step-dad's middle names (check this out..."Hickey" and "Spruill" are their middle names)...oy vey!