Jokes!!
- Thread starter elbandito
- Start date
MrUserNameIV
SenselessActsOfCreation
I hereby would like to express my condolences to all those who are offended by jokes, and the terrible damage they do to the world. All of the people posting in this thread should have a good bit of soul searching about what they are doing, and turn their lives to Jesus/Allah/Buddha/Do/Odin/FSM/Hari Krishna/David Koresh/Satan/Jimi Hendrix/or whatever deity you choose to redeem yourself for your insensitive actions. Amen.
Anticleon
Member
Paddy, the Irish wrestler was set to square off for the Olympic gold medal against Ivan, the Russian champion.
Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, pinning him down and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done that before!'
The Irishman answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could...'
The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'
'Not really' answered Paddy, 'but you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.
Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, pinning him down and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done that before!'
The Irishman answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could...'
The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'
'Not really' answered Paddy, 'but you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.
BroKen_H
Re-member
"Hello?"
"Hi honey this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause.
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared,jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"
"Hi honey this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause.
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared,jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"
cakewalkKaKed
HOORAY FOR BOOBIES !!!
^^^ ahahahhahahahahahahahahahaaha !!!! :d
Anticleon
Member
At the National Art Gallery , in Dublin Ireland , a Canadian couple were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three black men, totally naked, sitting on a park bench.
Two of the figures had black penises but the one in the middle, had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of the black man in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
“In fact,” he pointed out, “some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.”
After the curator left, an Irish man approached the couple and said,“Would you like to know what the painting is really about?”
“Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?” asked the husband.
“Because I’m the guy who painted it.” he replied.
”In fact, there are no black men depicted at all.
They’re just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
The painting depicted three black men, totally naked, sitting on a park bench.
Two of the figures had black penises but the one in the middle, had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of the black man in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
“In fact,” he pointed out, “some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.”
After the curator left, an Irish man approached the couple and said,“Would you like to know what the painting is really about?”
“Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?” asked the husband.
“Because I’m the guy who painted it.” he replied.
”In fact, there are no black men depicted at all.
They’re just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
Anticleon
Member
At the National Art Gallery , in Dublin Ireland , a Canadian couple were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three black men, totally naked, sitting on a park bench.
Two of the figures had black penises but the one in the middle, had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of the black man in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
“In fact,” he pointed out, “some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.”
After the curator left, an Irish man approached the couple and said,“Would you like to know what the painting is really about?”
“Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?” asked the husband.
“Because I’m the guy who painted it.” he replied.
”In fact, there are no black men depicted at all.
They’re just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
The painting depicted three black men, totally naked, sitting on a park bench.
Two of the figures had black penises but the one in the middle, had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of the black man in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
“In fact,” he pointed out, “some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.”
After the curator left, an Irish man approached the couple and said,“Would you like to know what the painting is really about?”
“Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?” asked the husband.
“Because I’m the guy who painted it.” he replied.
”In fact, there are no black men depicted at all.
They’re just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."