Jokes!!

The great thing about dating a blind chick: She'll never see other guys...

I'm only buying velcro shoes now...why knot?

I don't trust people with graph paper...they're always plotting something!

I wanted to go to Communism class, but kept Stalin...after I finally got there I had to drop out because of lousy Marx.
 
A blond just texted me, "What does IDK stand for?"
So I responded, "I don't know."
She replied, "Oh my goodness, nobody does!"
 
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Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd really like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
 
Sometimes I feel like a pig that was told he would get a shot and get cured. Only to realize that meant ham and bacon...
 
Bob forgot his wedding anniversary Thursday. His wife was mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !"
The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.


Bob has been missing since Friday.
 
New corduroy pillows are making headlines.
She was a whiskey maker. He loved her still.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended in a tie.
John Deere's manure spreader is their only piece of equipment they won't stand behind.
Are Santa's elves subordinate clauses?

Okay, enough torture for one day...
 
They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. She's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized she was right. The car was not in the parking lot. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. I waited for the officer to arrive and filled out the paperwork and answered his questions.
Then, I made the most difficult call of all: to my wife, "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard her voice. "Are you kidding me?" she screamed, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
She retorted, "I will; just as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your car!"
Ah, yes...to the golden years...:drunk:
 
Husband takes the wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says: "Looks like he’s still celebrating!!"

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I met two hipsters today, they had the same outfit, shirt, trousers, even the belt! I asked "did you plan that dumb-asses or it was by chance?"
They didn't like it too much, they arrested me and took me to the police station.

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Boy: Our principal so stupid
Girl: Don't you know who I am?
Boy: No
Girl: I'm the principal's daughter.
Boy: Do you know who I am?
Girl: No Boy: Good (walks away)
 
A man was complaining to a railroad engineer. "What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late?"

The railroad engineer replied, "How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?"

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I read that 25% of all women in the United States are on medication for mental illness. That's very scary!


That means that 75% are still untreated! :eek:
 
My grandson got sent to the principal's office three days running, so I asked him why...

"My teacher asked what our favorite animal was. I said, 'fried chicken.'
She said I wasn't funny, but all the rest of the kids in the class laughed. You taught me to always tell the truth, and fried chicken is my favorite!
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office and I told him what happened. He laughed, too and told me not to do it again.
The next day my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. So I said, 'Chicken!" She asked why chicken was my favorite animal and I said, 'Because you can make it into fried chicken.'
Everyone laughed, and I went to see the principal, who also laughed and told me not to do it again.
The third day, she asked me what famous person I admired the most.
I said...'Colonel Sanders.'"

Now I know why he had to see the principal three days in a row.
 
Went to the dentist for a cleaning today, then come the questions...
HER-how often do you floss?
ME-Two or three times a month depending on what I eat.....
HER-Two or three times a month just isn't enough. I would prefer daily.
ME-That's what I keep telling my wife.

HER-How often are you brushing your teeth a day?
ME-Two or three times a day depending on what I eat.
HER-For how long?
ME-I don't know. Never really timed it.
HER-well you should do it for at least 2 mins....
ME-oh I am sure I do that.
HER-Actually 2 mins is longer than you think....
ME-That's what I keep telling my wife!
 
I guess a mature pun is fully groan?

---------- Update ----------

Whenever I see a broken elevator I tend to stair.
 
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