Jokes!!
- Thread starter elbandito
- Start date
Armistice
Son of Yoda
You haven't seen the elevators where I work. Humungous....
BroKen_H
Re-member
I never mentioned the legnth of the giant spear!
You also never mentioned how long before she'd be red all over...
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Mr Clean
AKA Teddy Wong
A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?"
"That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies.
After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?"
"Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."
"That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies.
After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?"
"Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."
BroKen_H
Re-member
A Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
BroKen_H
Re-member
Three months ago, I bought a bottle of memory enhancing pills. Their promise was that taking their pills for 90 days would improve my memory. So I wrote today down on the calendar to mark the end of the 90 days and see how good my memory was. Couldn't for the life of me remember where I'd put the bottle...
Finally found the bottle and realized there were still 89 pills left to take.
Honestly, if I could remember to take a pill every day, I wouldn't need a pill to help me remember stuff...
Finally found the bottle and realized there were still 89 pills left to take.
Honestly, if I could remember to take a pill every day, I wouldn't need a pill to help me remember stuff...
'White collar conservative flashing down the street pointing their plastic finger at me..
Go on mr business man. You can't dress like me..'
:>)
ido1957
9K Gold Member
I just received my tax return for 2015 back from Revenue Canada.
It puzzles me!!!
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.
I guess it was because of my response to the line : "List all dependents"
I replied:..
300,000 muslims
1 million crack heads;
7.3 million unemployed people
100,000 people in prisons;
Half of Haiti ;
105 persons in the Federal Senate and
308 Members of Parliament.
Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.......
I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO THE HELL DID I MISS?
It puzzles me!!!
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.
I guess it was because of my response to the line : "List all dependents"
I replied:..
300,000 muslims
1 million crack heads;
7.3 million unemployed people
100,000 people in prisons;
Half of Haiti ;
105 persons in the Federal Senate and
308 Members of Parliament.
Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.......
I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO THE HELL DID I MISS?
BroKen_H
Re-member
Last night, my daughter had a date.
When the young man came to the door to pick her up, I said, "Have her home by 10."
He asked what the consequences would be if they were late...
I walked to the den and grabbed a shotgun shell and threw it at him.
He caught it and threw it back.
I went back to the den and got the shotgun, placed the shell in the chamber and told him...
"After 10 it will be moving much faster."
She was home at quarter till!
When the young man came to the door to pick her up, I said, "Have her home by 10."
He asked what the consequences would be if they were late...
I walked to the den and grabbed a shotgun shell and threw it at him.
He caught it and threw it back.
I went back to the den and got the shotgun, placed the shell in the chamber and told him...
"After 10 it will be moving much faster."
She was home at quarter till!
BroKen_H
Re-member
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stayof execution for a client. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started in on him about , 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'........and on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the continued sarcastic and nagging remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started in on him about , 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'........and on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the continued sarcastic and nagging remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!
BroKen_H
Re-member
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was scratching his crotch, squirming around, and not paying attention.
She went to him to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he'd been circumcised the day before and was quite itchy.
She told him to go to the principal's office, call his mom and ask her what he should do.
Which he did, and returned to class. Shortly after, there was a commotion at the back of the class and when she went to investigate, she found him sitting with his penis out...
She was quite angry and said, "I thought I told you to call your mother!"
"I did. She told me if I could stick it out until noon, she'd come and pick me up..."
She went to him to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he'd been circumcised the day before and was quite itchy.
She told him to go to the principal's office, call his mom and ask her what he should do.
Which he did, and returned to class. Shortly after, there was a commotion at the back of the class and when she went to investigate, she found him sitting with his penis out...
She was quite angry and said, "I thought I told you to call your mother!"
"I did. She told me if I could stick it out until noon, she'd come and pick me up..."
Anticleon
Member
In the Yorkshire Post following the death of his wife.
The couple had been happily married for 50 years.
The husband contacted the newspaper regarding an obituary.
When informed of the cost, the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion, “How Much? !!!”
He reluctantly produced his wallet. “I want summat simple” he explained, “my Gladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass but she wunt ave wanted owt swanky.”
“Perhaps a small poem”, suggested the woman at the desk.
“Nay”, he said, “she wunt ave wanted anything la-di-da, just put;
‘Gladys Braithwaite died’”.
“You need to say when”, he was told by the receptionist.
“Do I? Well, put died 17th Jan 2016. That'll do”.
“It is usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed”.
The man considered for a moment. “Well, put in, ‘Sadly missed’. That'll do”, he said.
“You can have another four words”, the woman explained.
“No, no”, he cried, “she wouldn' ave wanted me to splash out”
“The words are included in the price”, the woman informed him.
“Are they? You mean I've paid for 'em?”.
“Yes, indeed”.
“Well, if I've paid for 'em , I'm 'avin them”.
The obituary was duly printed as follows:
Gladys Braithwaite died, 17th January 2016.
Sadly missed.
Also Tractor for sale.
The couple had been happily married for 50 years.
The husband contacted the newspaper regarding an obituary.
When informed of the cost, the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion, “How Much? !!!”
He reluctantly produced his wallet. “I want summat simple” he explained, “my Gladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass but she wunt ave wanted owt swanky.”
“Perhaps a small poem”, suggested the woman at the desk.
“Nay”, he said, “she wunt ave wanted anything la-di-da, just put;
‘Gladys Braithwaite died’”.
“You need to say when”, he was told by the receptionist.
“Do I? Well, put died 17th Jan 2016. That'll do”.
“It is usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed”.
The man considered for a moment. “Well, put in, ‘Sadly missed’. That'll do”, he said.
“You can have another four words”, the woman explained.
“No, no”, he cried, “she wouldn' ave wanted me to splash out”
“The words are included in the price”, the woman informed him.
“Are they? You mean I've paid for 'em?”.
“Yes, indeed”.
“Well, if I've paid for 'em , I'm 'avin them”.
The obituary was duly printed as follows:
Gladys Braithwaite died, 17th January 2016.
Sadly missed.
Also Tractor for sale.
BroKen_H
Re-member
Science: I want to become like a proton...they're always positive.
Math: Adding natural numbers is good for your health...It's whole sum. But integers can be negative
PoliSci: How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb? A liberal would not want the light bulb to change, but would like us all to be tolerant of it's right to be different...
HomeEc: If we outlaw shredded cheeses will that make America grate again? Maybe, but if America would eat more cheeses it would make it swell.
English: What did the blackboard say to the chalk? Write on!
Just to prove that some of my humor has class...Oh the humanities!
Math: Adding natural numbers is good for your health...It's whole sum. But integers can be negative
PoliSci: How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb? A liberal would not want the light bulb to change, but would like us all to be tolerant of it's right to be different...
HomeEc: If we outlaw shredded cheeses will that make America grate again? Maybe, but if America would eat more cheeses it would make it swell.
English: What did the blackboard say to the chalk? Write on!
Just to prove that some of my humor has class...Oh the humanities!
