WhinyLittleRunt
Member
I haven't written much about this since it happened, but I found myself in the divorce boat 
And i'm pretty bummed out about it. This is a woman I've been with for 10 years and had 2 kids with (more on that in a sec) during our marriage. we did everything right; married, bought the house, had the kids... it all seemed right. Granted, we both have our issues (doesn't everyone?). She suffers from depression pretty heavily from time to time and I deal with anxiety, and got severely demotivated when we bought our house. Probably just a combination of overwhelming and unsure, not knowing what the future would bring at that point, and I was scared to have kids because I felt I was getting too old, and would kids mess up our relationship...etc. It was a handful in my head for sure. Not to mention, my mom had been sick with cancer that we found out about 2 months after meeting, and it was a struggle for 8 years on until she passed away.
I know people change, and I've certainly changed a bit as I've gotten older, but I also know I ran my life more consistently than my wife did; I was at my same job that I'm still at to this day, 3 years already when we first met. I have had ups and downs in my job as well, and hated it from time to time, but never felt that quitting and starting over somewhere else would be a good idea, especially with no 4-year degree (not that it matters much anymore). The job and my employers have been good to me over the years. My wife had a bit more flexibility; she was a few years younger than me and so she jumped around a bit until she found what she liked. I never minded that. I knew she was trying to find her ideal career, and she had a 4 year degree.
But once we had our daughter 5 years ago, i know things changed. She will claim they changed well before that, but not for me. No, I saw the change after the baby. And for both of us too. She definitely had a different agenda, and I was struggling with not being able to make music in the new home studio i built. Everyone says, when you have kids, you'll put your hobbies on hold. But it stressed me out to feel as if I was unable to use my space. And I was also working a second job at night to supplement things at home. At this point, my wife was working, but she then decided to quit and stay home to be with our daughter. That worked for a while, but she was always stressed out about it; constant texts at work about what sue was doing, how she was acting... and I know that we are/were texters... but still. It was hard for me because I couldn't do anything about it. And I'm not good at just going "man, that sucks, I'm sorry". I always feel as if I need to give a lecture, or advice.
Around the time my mom passed away, my wife decided to get into an MLM job selling products. It ended up working so well and she was so good at it, that within 6 months she had me leave my job and come home to work with her. I had no problem doing this at that point; we were pregnant with another baby 4 years later and I was actually excited this time around. I left my job, I got a huge going away party as if I was retiring. I came home, started working with her, but it was rough. It was boring in the beginning, she never made time for us (ie: always on/in her phone), and once the baby was born I basically became a full-time stay at home dad. I was fine with this other than the fact it made me super lazy. I gained a lot of weight, I was sad that my wife really could care less about my existence... she traveled a lot for this job and so I would be home with the kids for a full week at a time, which again, wasn't a problem.. I just missed my wife.
A few months ago, mid-summer, she called me from the car and said the MLM business was starting to decline, and that I might want to think about getting back to work for the fall. I immediately called my office and got my job back in the same day, and also re-secured my night job to supplement. A month and a half later, I came home a little early from work on what seemed like a normal day, and most of my house was cleared out. I had a panic attack. I found the note. I was devastated.
First thought in my head was how could she do this? Second thought was, who moved her out? Third thought was... where are my kids? She wouldn't tell me where she was living, just that I could see my kids when I wanted to. The very next day I was served with papers, making me realize that when she called me from the car that day, she must have just left a law firm. She had the decency to send me back to work before leaving me in the lurch. Well. It gets better...
Within a couple of days of her leaving, I found out through the waves that she had been having an affair with someone and that the new baby may not have been mine. When I found out about this, I was sick instantly. I had to ask her if the baby was mine and she said yes. She stuck to her guns on that. Then she called me a few days later and admitted to the affair, explained that she was unsure about the baby also and that she had him take a paternity test and showed me the results. She wanted me 100% confident that they were both my kids. Well, I didn't believe her. At this point I had nothing else to lose so I bought my own paternity test and swabbed the baby on one of my weekends. Sent my results out. They came back a week later showing no genetic link. ZERO. I was devastated again. How could she do this?? She told me it wasn't the guy she had an affair with either, it was some other random one-night stand when she was drunk. Good lord, how disgusting. So, i found myself drinking heavily and realizing that my wife, who, quite honestly I've never worried about cheating or being unfaithful, was a closet slut. Never in a million years. So, now i have my 5 year old, I don't see the baby who I fathered 100% for 10 months of her life, and I still have to see and deal with my soon to be ex-wife. I'm sure for many years to come.
I'm not sure how anyone can come to grips with this sot of thing. I mean, 2 weeks after leaving she was already dating a new guy (who was a spitting image of me, career-wise, interest-wise, sorta resembled me) and it's like, how do you not have any shame for what you did? It's sickening. It's something I never thought I'd have to go through. I asked her why she made me quit my job and come home knowing she already had these affairs, and she said she wanted to save our marriage but I just wasn't making that happen because i was 'miserable'. Yeah, no i don't think so. I think we all know what the real problem was. For someone to leave in the middle of a day, have a new place to live all set up and ready, confuse my 5 year old, have a baby that isn't mine and just take her away from me in so many ways, with no regard for what she left behind... I think that defines a sociopath, right?
So, now in the wake of all of this... I'm trying to find myself again. It's rough to get up every day in the house we made a home and try to function knowing it's different. It's been 3 months now and it's getting easier to accept her not coming back, and especially after what she did... makes things marginally easier. I have a really good support system also. But, now the biggest concern is trying to keep my house. She seems to have no problem with me keeping it but that's just one part of the equation. At the end it all depends on what the bank lets me do, and with what she says is a zero child support agreement (because she pulls in 3 times my salary) it should be no problem, but I'm preparing for anything to turn around... just a huge blow.
So I'm slowly getting back into making music again; I have plenty of ideas for lyrics at this point, plus stuff I've written over the last decade that never made it to the computer or tape... I spent a lot of that time working with my analog tape stuff but I found that I spent more time fixing it and tinkering with it than actually using it to record with. That was a hobby in and of itself, honestly. I like that sort of thing, but I think with everything that's happened, now is a good time to just lay down some stuff and get it recorded while the mood is right. I snagged up a Focusrite Saffire Pro 40 interface to sort-of replace my aging Firepod, which I will still use as the monitoring device in my "control room". But recording drums is going to be so much easier with the 8-channel interface again, and knowing the stuff I know now after 17 years of recording my stuff at home, I can make it sound much better than before. Having a nice interface helps too. So I'm hoping to dedicate more time to this again, because if for nothing else, it's a huge psychological relief... that and painting.
If you read all of this, i'm grateful and amazed at the same time! Onward...
And i'm pretty bummed out about it. This is a woman I've been with for 10 years and had 2 kids with (more on that in a sec) during our marriage. we did everything right; married, bought the house, had the kids... it all seemed right. Granted, we both have our issues (doesn't everyone?). She suffers from depression pretty heavily from time to time and I deal with anxiety, and got severely demotivated when we bought our house. Probably just a combination of overwhelming and unsure, not knowing what the future would bring at that point, and I was scared to have kids because I felt I was getting too old, and would kids mess up our relationship...etc. It was a handful in my head for sure. Not to mention, my mom had been sick with cancer that we found out about 2 months after meeting, and it was a struggle for 8 years on until she passed away.
I know people change, and I've certainly changed a bit as I've gotten older, but I also know I ran my life more consistently than my wife did; I was at my same job that I'm still at to this day, 3 years already when we first met. I have had ups and downs in my job as well, and hated it from time to time, but never felt that quitting and starting over somewhere else would be a good idea, especially with no 4-year degree (not that it matters much anymore). The job and my employers have been good to me over the years. My wife had a bit more flexibility; she was a few years younger than me and so she jumped around a bit until she found what she liked. I never minded that. I knew she was trying to find her ideal career, and she had a 4 year degree.
But once we had our daughter 5 years ago, i know things changed. She will claim they changed well before that, but not for me. No, I saw the change after the baby. And for both of us too. She definitely had a different agenda, and I was struggling with not being able to make music in the new home studio i built. Everyone says, when you have kids, you'll put your hobbies on hold. But it stressed me out to feel as if I was unable to use my space. And I was also working a second job at night to supplement things at home. At this point, my wife was working, but she then decided to quit and stay home to be with our daughter. That worked for a while, but she was always stressed out about it; constant texts at work about what sue was doing, how she was acting... and I know that we are/were texters... but still. It was hard for me because I couldn't do anything about it. And I'm not good at just going "man, that sucks, I'm sorry". I always feel as if I need to give a lecture, or advice.
Around the time my mom passed away, my wife decided to get into an MLM job selling products. It ended up working so well and she was so good at it, that within 6 months she had me leave my job and come home to work with her. I had no problem doing this at that point; we were pregnant with another baby 4 years later and I was actually excited this time around. I left my job, I got a huge going away party as if I was retiring. I came home, started working with her, but it was rough. It was boring in the beginning, she never made time for us (ie: always on/in her phone), and once the baby was born I basically became a full-time stay at home dad. I was fine with this other than the fact it made me super lazy. I gained a lot of weight, I was sad that my wife really could care less about my existence... she traveled a lot for this job and so I would be home with the kids for a full week at a time, which again, wasn't a problem.. I just missed my wife.
A few months ago, mid-summer, she called me from the car and said the MLM business was starting to decline, and that I might want to think about getting back to work for the fall. I immediately called my office and got my job back in the same day, and also re-secured my night job to supplement. A month and a half later, I came home a little early from work on what seemed like a normal day, and most of my house was cleared out. I had a panic attack. I found the note. I was devastated.
First thought in my head was how could she do this? Second thought was, who moved her out? Third thought was... where are my kids? She wouldn't tell me where she was living, just that I could see my kids when I wanted to. The very next day I was served with papers, making me realize that when she called me from the car that day, she must have just left a law firm. She had the decency to send me back to work before leaving me in the lurch. Well. It gets better...
Within a couple of days of her leaving, I found out through the waves that she had been having an affair with someone and that the new baby may not have been mine. When I found out about this, I was sick instantly. I had to ask her if the baby was mine and she said yes. She stuck to her guns on that. Then she called me a few days later and admitted to the affair, explained that she was unsure about the baby also and that she had him take a paternity test and showed me the results. She wanted me 100% confident that they were both my kids. Well, I didn't believe her. At this point I had nothing else to lose so I bought my own paternity test and swabbed the baby on one of my weekends. Sent my results out. They came back a week later showing no genetic link. ZERO. I was devastated again. How could she do this?? She told me it wasn't the guy she had an affair with either, it was some other random one-night stand when she was drunk. Good lord, how disgusting. So, i found myself drinking heavily and realizing that my wife, who, quite honestly I've never worried about cheating or being unfaithful, was a closet slut. Never in a million years. So, now i have my 5 year old, I don't see the baby who I fathered 100% for 10 months of her life, and I still have to see and deal with my soon to be ex-wife. I'm sure for many years to come.
I'm not sure how anyone can come to grips with this sot of thing. I mean, 2 weeks after leaving she was already dating a new guy (who was a spitting image of me, career-wise, interest-wise, sorta resembled me) and it's like, how do you not have any shame for what you did? It's sickening. It's something I never thought I'd have to go through. I asked her why she made me quit my job and come home knowing she already had these affairs, and she said she wanted to save our marriage but I just wasn't making that happen because i was 'miserable'. Yeah, no i don't think so. I think we all know what the real problem was. For someone to leave in the middle of a day, have a new place to live all set up and ready, confuse my 5 year old, have a baby that isn't mine and just take her away from me in so many ways, with no regard for what she left behind... I think that defines a sociopath, right?
So, now in the wake of all of this... I'm trying to find myself again. It's rough to get up every day in the house we made a home and try to function knowing it's different. It's been 3 months now and it's getting easier to accept her not coming back, and especially after what she did... makes things marginally easier. I have a really good support system also. But, now the biggest concern is trying to keep my house. She seems to have no problem with me keeping it but that's just one part of the equation. At the end it all depends on what the bank lets me do, and with what she says is a zero child support agreement (because she pulls in 3 times my salary) it should be no problem, but I'm preparing for anything to turn around... just a huge blow.
So I'm slowly getting back into making music again; I have plenty of ideas for lyrics at this point, plus stuff I've written over the last decade that never made it to the computer or tape... I spent a lot of that time working with my analog tape stuff but I found that I spent more time fixing it and tinkering with it than actually using it to record with. That was a hobby in and of itself, honestly. I like that sort of thing, but I think with everything that's happened, now is a good time to just lay down some stuff and get it recorded while the mood is right. I snagged up a Focusrite Saffire Pro 40 interface to sort-of replace my aging Firepod, which I will still use as the monitoring device in my "control room". But recording drums is going to be so much easier with the 8-channel interface again, and knowing the stuff I know now after 17 years of recording my stuff at home, I can make it sound much better than before. Having a nice interface helps too. So I'm hoping to dedicate more time to this again, because if for nothing else, it's a huge psychological relief... that and painting.
If you read all of this, i'm grateful and amazed at the same time! Onward...
Still a good avenue to release that crap though.
... though I know that realization was probably very painful for you...it would sure as hell piss me off to learn something like that.
