my most recent song-a work in progress

[zer0sig]

i'd be happy to hear any feedback you guys have, especially constructive criticism. i know it's a little heavy on laterary devices in parts, but i'm hoping to play on that. also, i'm aware that the number of syllables per line is much less toward the end, something else i want to play on. in any case, enough of the whining, i'll let the lyrics do that for me (i'll even post guitar for good measure!)


guitar(drop d):
main-per each line-chords(strummed out in some multiple of 4's):
D3200
A1021
D3200

chorus-per the one line(similar strum pattern):
G-----1 or 3
D000001
A135551
D354321
the above D# is extended until i feel like ending the chorus with:
G2D0A0D0

lyrics:
the brightest star in my sky refuses to shine though the heavens burn
if i could only see it, i'd fix everything like i did last time
but my arms are weary of bearing burdens borne for a smile and a vacant sigh
and i think i may abandon this before the waters get too high

(chorus)
the sun is setting on the notion that i'm not just wasting time by holding onto hope

i'm still scarred since the last time that i meant to make a moment gold
i'm hesitant to hold my heart so open o'er a roaring flame
but born-in bearing beckons me to cast my carcass carelessly
like lumps of loam in lakes to dissipate so dissapointedly

the sun is setting on the notion that i'm not just wasting time by holding onto hope

so arm your rugged filters for an onslaught riding on the hands
of circumstance-my will is set and nothing will
deter me from promoting a connection to my destiny
i'll set my star alight if it will mean the very end of me

the sun is setting on the notion that i'm not just wasting time by holding onto hope

so far, the singing style is kind of a leonard cohen/kurdt cobain style, i guess, with a little ramping up for the chorus.

[ashulman]

I just wish I knew what you were talking about. You obviously have a decent vocabulary and I assume the alliteration is deliberate. The only thing I can directly comment on is the chorus which seems overly cryptic by the use of, if not a double negative, than a negative implication followed by a negative phrase:

"The sun is setting" implies something ending
"I'm not just wasting time" something you are NOT doing

It took me several minutes to wrap my head around this statement to figure out what you meant.

The only thing I would caution against is using those literary devices as window dressing. There should always be a good idea whose purpose they serve. I try to avoid that kind of thing because its like playing with fire.

That being said I don't like to read lyrics outside of a song as the way the fit the music is key. All this stuff could sound great in the write tune. Hope yours works out.

[ashulman]

Sorry, I meant "right" instead of "write" tune. See what all that highfalutin' language did to me?!

[limoguy]

Hey ZerOsig,

If you are simply writing this for your own pleasure, then I think it is brilliant, lyrically speaking! If you're trying to write to a commercial market, I might try and convey the meaning of the lyrics in such a way so that it is a little more obvious to the listener. People like to be able to relate to the singers story lyrically and emotionally.

When I write I have to ask myself, "what am I trying to convey?" and " is the audience gonna get it?" Of course it may be that there's way too much smoke in the room here and I am not getting it because of the haze.

Keep at it though! You have a real talent with words!

Limoguy

[Chrisjob]

I do wish I knew what you were talking about with those chords...


guitar(drop d):
main-per each line-chords(strummed out in some multiple of 4's):
D3200
A1021
D3200

chorus-per the one line(similar strum pattern):
G-----1 or 3
D000001
A135551
D354321
the above D# is extended until i feel like ending the chorus with:
G2D0A0D0

????????????????

[zer0sig]

the chord layouts are pretty simple-it's tablature in a drop-d-tuning. the lowest line is the lowest-pitched string, though, since the 1st and 3rd strings are d's in drop=d, it would work either way.

i'm actually being purposefully vague, because i don't have a specific thing/person to fixate on and writing directly to the subject of my angst is not appropriate at this time. i did more or less write it for myself, as many of my songs have been, partially, as i realized tonight while considering it, because the songs i write and/or play are kind of like taking photographs of moments in my life from an emotional perspective. i don't have a lot of photographs, and by writing a song or learning to play a song that i love, i permanently fixate that emotional moment perfectly in time, thus giving me a recall of moments that may be hard to relate to otherwise.

i'd like to learn to write music a little more for the audience-of course, my usual audience DOES relate easily, as they typically know me and know some of what is influencing me, if they aren't in fact a part of said influence already.

i actually wrote this as a response to a challenge to write a song, on the fly. not much time taken, just an attempt to paste feelings on paper in a halfway entertaining way.

i realized sometime after i posted this that this song may be hard to work in an audience because of the vague and subjective nature of it. thanks for pointing that out, thanks for the feedback/critcism, etc, and i will see if i can't rustle up the gumption to record this and throw it in the mp3 clinic for good measure.

ashulman, the chorus is intended to be interpreted as kind of stream-of-consciousness, i.e. there is a notion in my head that i am utilizing my time in a reasonable fashion, and the "sun" that lights this idea is setting. you make a good point, though.

limoguy, thanks, both for the compliments and contructive criticism. i don't know whether this can actually end up being worked into a setlist for me, but i posted it because it was fresh and i'd had my ego stroked rather heavily earlier that night. usually, the emotiveness of my playing/singing style carries as much meaning as the words/music themselves do, so i might be able to pull it off, but if i can't, i know why.

chrisjob,
see above, and i will try to do a rudimentary recording to make it make some sense. i wouldn't know what the music/vocals would be like if i hadn't taken down this tab for myself as i was writing it. like i said, i pretty much wrote it on the fly for the hell of it and to kind of photograph a moment in time.

again, thanks!

[Chrisjob]

Well....I kinda understood it, I was just wondering where the other two strings went in the top

[ashulman]

Nothing wrong with stream of conscious. I would think the music would have a kind of hallucinatory feeling as well. The lyrics might go well in a dreamy setting.

[zer0sig]

yeah, i think i'm going to float the lyrics on top, singingwise, in a style that resembles that of many great junky musicians