My first real attempt at a song

[JasonBird]

Hi there, A friend of mine and i have made four songs in the last month or so. two have lyrics and two don't. the ones that do, are pretty goofy, but cool we think. the ones that don't, everyone tells us we need vocals. So, i woke up at 4 this morning with an idea for a song, and have gotten it mostly out. I need a little help with the chorus, and weould welcome any other comments and suggestions. Is this the best way to come up with a good song? do the lyrics first and then mold the music around it? it's all new to me....thanks in advance!!

Jason

The Way I Feel
By Jason C. Starbird

1st Verse

Why do I feel this way?
I love you more and more each day.
We’ve been together for so long.
I love you like a favorite song.
Being apart makes the heart grow stronger.
I can’t stand it for much longer.

2nd Verse

We’ve been together through thick and thin.
Sometimes we loose, sometimes we win.
It was true love at first sight.
I can’t wait to see you tonight.

3rd Verse

Why do I feel this way?
This feeling grows stronger day by day.
We’ve been together for this long.
I love you like a favorite song.
As the years go by and time gets longer.
My love for you keeps growing stronger.
You’re my sun, my moon, and my star so bright.
Being with you makes everything all right.

4th Verse

Why do I feel this way?
It’s all the little things you do and say.
A hug from you, a tender kiss.
Those are things I’ll never miss.
Our love is true; our passion’s deep.
My love for you is yours to keep.

5th Verse

Why do I feel this way?
We’ve been together for so long.
I love you like my favorite song.
This verse and chorus will never end.
You’re my life; you’re my best friend.
You’re my favorite song that will never end.
You’re my life; you are my best friend.


Chorus

The way I feel, is it really true?
Am I dreaming or is it really you?
You’re always there, right by my side.
I’m the luckiest man alive.
You’re effect on me is like the moon on the tide.

[joro]

Hey,.................




I aint' no expert here....
but here go's.......OK?



it's like this.....

to me a song has to tell a story....
has to be self explanatory....
and must above all else.....
be original....

your lyrics seem to come straight from your heart....
however...they are wrought with cliche'....

also....your structure is ...well...weird...
there are different amounts of lines from verse to verse....
very unusual....

rhymning also seems excessive....
try and say something and rhymne every other line and allow yourself the luxury of having a few lines where perfect rhymne is not required...a place to make a statement....to tell your story...
or tell a story that's been told before....just in an unusual or unique way....

keep writing man...
Joe

[Gidge]

its seems you keep repeating the same lines over quite a bit in the verses....i wouldnt do that.....

for instant in one verse you have the lines

"I love you like my favorite song."

"You’re my favorite song that will never end."

that could be "i love you like my favorite song that will never end"......


then you use that "favorite song" line in 2 other verses.......


good idea going....just listen to what joro said........

[JasonBird]

thanks Gidge and Joro,
I see what you mean....i kind of thought the same thing, about all the rhyming etc. It needs to be simpler...right? I'll keep at it.....
thanks, Jason

[Strtj]

Basically, love is a cliché. You cannot get away from that. Every single thing that could be written in a love song has already been written to nauseous proportions. What you have to do is find a way to express those feelings in a way that nobody has ever done before. It's not easy, but it is possible. Your basic idea is good. Build upon it; I'd be interested to see/hear how it develops.

The words of Billy Bragg: "Every time I turn on the radio I hear somebody else singing a song about the two of us". Perfect!

[bdbdbuck]

Now here's a real good thread! This forum has once again proved it's usefulness. Everyone gave constructive criticism.....that's what it's all about.
Jason, you just keep right on gettin up, you have come to the right place! You got a good start.



bd

[JasonBird]

your right bdbdbuck, the help is great. I'll be re-doing this today hopefully. My daughter sdaid she'd help, now that i look at it , it's more poemish than a song....thanks everybody.
Jason

[ashulman]

Its true that cliches are hard to avoid and are not neccesarily a song-killer. I would be more concerned with focusing the verses a little more. This might be a matter of preference but I look on a verse as generally getting a single point across. For instance in the first verse you talk about being together and then being apart, which is it? I would think about what you want the verse to say and then construct lines around that idea. This may sound vague but I hope it helps.