tell me what you think. . . .

[the dude]

so, I am new to this, but came across some people showing their lyrics and other people commenting. so I thought I'd give it a go. This is a pretty mellow tune with a nice acoustic finger picked guitar as accompaniment.

Creation Myth (C)2002homespunmusic

I'll paint your eyes as black as night now
and paint your face a paler shade of grey
I'll separate the shadows from the light that shines
just like you separate your eyes from mine

beautiful lies fill your beautiful eyes
the sleeping figure awakens me
they hang me by strings through the twilight hours
but when I break I will finally. . . . set myself free

now your ghost is next to mine
endless smoke follows your every move
it follows me beyond the county line
behind the sun, we are the chosen ones

our beautiful smiles go on for beautiful miles
the singing figures awaken me
they hang me by strings through the twilight hours
but when I break, i will finally. . . set myself free

so, set yourselves free.

would appreciate ANY feedback, should have a decent recording available soooooooooooooooon. peace

[the dude]

I take it y'all think it sucks. . . . boo hoo for me.

[bdbdbuck]

Damn Dude,
You gotta give us a little time, I'm old and don't move as quick as I used to. It seems lyrically sound. Maybe even a little mystical. All in all I give it a thumbs up.

bd

[the dude]

hey thanks bro, yeah it is a bit mystical or spiritual but not in the god damn christian sense dont mean to offend, but anyway, thanks!

[bdbdbuck]

Whoa.....what the hell is that all about?


bd

Jehovah's witnesses just knock on the door?

[jjtcorsair]

I think you've got something there. Nice imagery at times, some evocitive lyrics with some nice rhymes and rhythms. The first and third stanzas might flow better if the second and fourth lines ended in a rhyme. Maybe even the 1st and 3rd. As in:

"I'll paint your eyes as black as night now
and your face so grey and fine
I'll separate the shadows from the light somehow
just like you separate your eyes from mine "

Thats a quicky, not knowing the rhythmic cadence makes it difficult so I'm sure you could do better, but you get the idea.

"but when I break, i will finally. . . set myself free" is a little nonsensical. I mean, are you breaking free or are you setting yourself free? Kind of a mix of cliches...

Just my thoughts...
Jon

[Rodeo]

Yeah but he doesn't say 'break free' he just says 'break'.


These are charming lyrics Dude; I find it poitnless to remark on meter and rhyming etc until I hear how it all gels musically. Look forward to hearing that. Until then nothing stands out in this piece as anything but great songwriting.

[the dude]

hey thanks for all the comments, I will take them and use them for sure! The lyrics ARE a bit out there as far as making sense in a straight ahead kinda way, but the rythyhm and cadence I am using makes best use of the words i have chosen, I think. anyway, thanks again and hopefully i will have a demo of the tune up here in a month or so. peace

[kna studio]

well the first line reminds me of a line from she talks to angels{ second verse I think} by the Black Crows. And a touch of Whiter shade of pale, But all in all looks pretty cool. I have a song that has "woke last night to the sound of thunder" in it. Which we all know I stold from Bob Seger, but it just fit. Anyway keep it up.

[alexspetty]

is it about remembering someone who died? i kinda got that feeling from it.

i like that the images are strung to together in such a way as not to definatley imply any one thing or another.

it sort of lets the mind wander. i like it.

-alex

[the dude]

hey thanks alex, actually it is some kind of distorted creation myth or how we became what we all are today. based the images on an idea for a painting I did. thanks again for the positive feedback. peace