i want some feedback

[kylosius]

this is a song i wrote 2 years ago when i was 15, i'm still new to writing, singing, and recording, but here's the lyrics and a link to download (right click and save as!)
www.geocities.com/en4cer2633/cantbeleft.mp3

can't be left behind

walk through the halls at school
it seems i don't belong
it makes me wonder why
i haven't broken down to cry

it seems when you leave your friends
that your new life begins
some of us can't take the pain
thats why we go insane

i paint a picture on my face
let's me relieve my disgrace
at only age 15
my worst fear now is me

(bridge thingy)
new jersey is my home
not arid, arizona
someday i swear i'll be back
and i'll be home again

[Henri Devill]

Nice job!........."Bridge thingy" .LOL.Ive never seen it called that..Good job on the song


Don

[jjtcorsair]

Hey Kylosius,

I just did a quick, rough, rendition of your song. I just whipped it out fast but maybe it will help-

http://jontitle.tripod.com/Music/tbeleft.mp3

Jon

[jjtcorsair]

Since you obviously didn't care enough to revisit your post I removed the mp3.

Next time (if there is one) maybe you'll check back and see if anyone has responded.

[destorctr]

i thoght song was a little to folley for my tast i would leave space for question in song expand appon main idea with some meatphores and if you were trying to tell story of teen aginst dont use such common analagies" school " 15 " make the points known with out using direct statements like instead of school put place of learning or hollowed halls of education spice it up a bit every one likes to figure songs out not know them right away but dont make it so complicated that no one will relate you must always consider your demographic your trying to reach ie. if your writing a pop song dont use words 13year old girls wont understand instead use ones that are common to them and easy to rember

[darrin_h2000]

For the best feedback jam a mic into your monitors and crank them.

A bit cryptic for my taste, It sounds like a suicide note.

[milesmaxwell]

Originally posted by jjtcorsair
Since you obviously didn't care enough to revisit your post I removed the mp3.

Next time (if there is one) maybe you'll check back and see if anyone has responded.

JJT,

I just surfed in and, as a bystander, got all excited to hear your take on someone's music. Not that I know either of you but how flattering that must feel. anyway, it was a cool idea despite this guy's obvious lack of interest in our opinions...

milesmaxwell

[kylosius]

hey, i let him know i heard but my comp crashed so i couldnt get any feedback to him. i let him know that and now its better. and to someone else, a suicide note? thats pretty strange, but i was only 15 and couldn't write very well. wait a minute, i still can't write very well, besides i kinda focused more on lyrics on this one rather than musicianship and the guy that recorded his own version helped me out with better sounding guitar parts.