New songwriter here, please critique me on my first attempts!!

[drummerdoug86]

Be Like This

Verse 1

The world is full of people like you
What can you prove when you’ve nothin to prove
All we can say is it’s people like you
Now you’re left questioning whom to turn to

Chorus

But it doesn’t have to be like this,
You’re the one that makes it be like this
Maybe you’d like to know how you’re seen
Through the eyes of the ones you call friends

Verse 2

Now we have lost all hope to see you change
Your friends should know all the things that you say
Forget about the past and don’t look back
Everyone’s so sick of what you have done

Here is my second...

Too Good

Verse 1
Open your eyes
Take a good look
All the things you say
Everything you do
Every time you look
Makes me think we’re closer

Chorus
I know you’re too good
There is nothing that can be done
You know you’re too good
It’s hard for me to recognize

Verse 2
Close your eyes and
Tell me what you see
This never feels right
When it’s working
It only feels wrong
When it’s not

Chorus

Verse 3
Just when I think
I might have a chance
Things fall apart for the last time
Now I’m left with
Guilt and mistakes
And you’re gone for good

I know these songs are a little short but this is my first time. I dont expect to blow anyone out of the water with these and will appreciate any constructive criticism you can give me. Thanks!

[mikeh]

I try not to be overly critical of anyone's writing - we each have our own and style and method.

Since you are new to writing it is probably natural to write more in the "first person" (alot of I and you and we). However, your songs don't tell a story as much as relay a conversation.

Some of the best (whatever that may mean) lyrics tell a story and the best of the best tell the story in a manner that can actually allow the listener to "see the story".

A excellant example is the Eagle's Hotel California "On a dak desert highway, cool wind in my hair" you can form a vison to follow the story line. The entire song allows you to create visons of the story line.

That being said - keep working - writing is like anything, the more you do it, the better you get.

[theron]

I read through "Be Like This".
you've a decent enough flow established but, the lyrics are very ambiguous. This is not a bad thing but, I hadn't a clue as to what "you" did and who "we" were, thus, no relation or attachments to the lyrics for the listener. Maybe give some example of what is going on so the listener can build a base of empathy, sympathy or caring about the song in general.

Just some quick thoughts

Welcome to songwritting. You've walked through the door, and now, you can never fully leave!!!!!!



Peace and progress,

Theron.

[drummerdoug86]

Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate it.

[Henri Devill]

Can't add anything to what Mikeh and Theron said except..Write and rewrite...Some of the times a song really needs to be crafted and you gotta roll up your sleeves..Welcome to songwritein'

Don