Help define my style as a songwriter.

[CyanJaguar]

To tell the whole truth, when it comes to lyrics, I am what you would call a baby. I know nothing. However, I found a new style and I want to see what the world thinks about it.

Please glance(or if you have time, read) this and tell me the glaring errors and simple mistakes that you see.

I know that the best writers are not afraid to be simple. Should I be simple or should I deep.


WILDCARD
-------------
Everything has fallen apart
It sounds like the world's gonna end
The harshness wants to make me bleed
No beauty at all in this dreary place

Refrain:
I think I'm gonna die
The whole world has forsaken me
I cant show my face no more
Everything falls apart
WILDCARD

second part:
I think I can solve it all
I am sure I have the answer here
A wildcard that changes everything
If only I could invoke your name

refrain:
Show me the secret so I can heal
Unlock yourself to me so I can see
The magic in you that sets men free
WILDCARD

[CyanJaguar]

Or would you as a listener prefer me to write more like this:

The mix stinks
It has no balance
everything is out of wack
Its actually quite distressing

But dont worry
nobody is listening to the mix cos you have a freaking great hook/harmony/melody

something along those lines

THanks. I apreciate any comments and critisicms.

[Badger]

Feeling a little down lately?

[Henri Devill]

I'll give it a shot..It depends about the deep or lite thing ...But I've always liked the K. I. S. S. approch{for "POP"anything}..You really don't have any wrong words per say..Depends on the style you are going for..But lets see if I can get your meaning of your lyrics..Looks like relig. song..With that I'd say change the "Invoke" to "call".."Unlock" to "Open"..."Sounds" to "looks" you mention beauty in the next line or so {keep your images coheasive}If you want to you could also change "Cant show my face I tried{keeps a Rhym. meter with Die} Also "The magic in you that sets "LOVE" free{no reason it cant be more open to interp.}...Wildcard..Hummm how about Lifecard.Naw nevermind..
I'm sure that some others with a better angle will chime it..Good Luck bud


Don

[Henri Devill]

Also I forgot to say you did some nice work!The more you write the more you will find your lyrical style..Try and notice everything and write about it..Exp. the chick at the bar who is she what does she need/want why cant she find it ?..What runs thru the head of that old man?Why is everyone so mean?Use your imagination if you look around you there will be no shortage of material!


Don

[CyanJaguar]

Originally posted by Henri Devill
Also I forgot to say you did some nice work!The more you write the more you will find your lyrical style..Try and notice everything and write about it..Exp. the chick at the bar who is she what does she need/want why cant she find it ?..What runs thru the head of that old man?Why is everyone so mean?Use your imagination if you look around you there will be no shortage of material!


Don

thanks for the great idea don. Also thanks for the comments on the lyrics. You made a lot of insightful comments.

[ozraves]

Actually, I like your songs. So, more of the same...

Your lyrics are always kind of hokey but they are sincere in feeling. Hokey can be good.

I think I've heard a couple of your recordings and the thoughts were that the mixes could be a little better for demos and the vocals could be better. Still, I heard what you were doing and appreciated the art.

Steve
www.piemusic.com

[theron]

In the given two examples, I don't see enough of a lyrical difference to say one or the other. They both don't rhyme (which is absolutely fine!!) and they both are rather myopic in a general sort of way (isn't that cute of me to say).

I've heard your stuff and the lyrics have never been a focal point but, they've never been a problem either. I say don't decide which way to go, rather, keep exploring. Try your hand at a tradition style, force yourself to follow a mold so you can understand what it is that you are destroying. The mold thing is just an exercise to further writting, I'm not suggesting you need to visit ANY style. But, if you do, you might find yourself leaning towards one and, alltimately refining it.

Just some "from the hip"thoughts

Peace,
theron

[CyanJaguar]

thanks Ozraves and Theron.

yes, theron, " in a rather myopic sort of way" is indeed cute. I have to now look up myopic.

If my lyrics are not bad, then I guess that I'll just have to keep improving, thinking, and finding out what makes good lyrics.

Sting "shape of my heart" he said "sacred geometry of chance" . I wonder what that means.

Thanks again for the comments and critics.

[ozraves]

Originally posted by CyanJaguar
thanks Ozraves and Theron.

yes, theron, " in a rather myopic sort of way" is indeed cute. I have to now look up myopic.

If my lyrics are not bad, then I guess that I'll just have to keep improving, thinking, and finding out what makes good lyrics.

Sting "shape of my heart" he said "sacred geometry of chance" . I wonder what that means.

Thanks again for the comments and critics.

To me, your lyrics are sincere which is their strongest trait. You might try reading some Hemingway short stories as his short stories are kind of lyrical. The first paragraph of "A Clean Well Lighted Place" is something you should commit to the heart.