Is there anything wrong with these lyrics?

[misanthropy26]

(verse)
A cooling voice
from a water spiral
slipping down
to the grave under
puncturing the womb
born into a void
disconnect umbilical needs
depleted by a fist
under its control
spit out of the void
whip me into shape
stepping out of line
(bridge)
I'm hated; hunted
need to get away from this
hated
hunted
I NEED TO GET AWAY!
(chorus)
its not right
its not fair
pushed to the side
by a world that isn't there
(verse)
broken; beaten
running from the air that holds me
broken and beaten
fucked up by the air
stripped away
from the life that I loved
thrown into this suffocation
bound and gagged
with a world of complication
broken!
BROKEN!!
I AM!!!
(chorus)
its not right
its not fair
pushed to the side
by a world that isn't there
(outro-verse)
a cooling voice
from a water spiral
slipping down
to the grave under

[47ronin]

the verse wasnt bad...i dont really like the chorus though....its too much about you and the world is fucked up man kind of nu metal bullshit....do u really feel that way or just think songs SHOULD have choruses like that for some reason...


stick with the imagery like in the verse that was reallycool


47 ronin

[jimi]

lol i agree

[Vurt]

Here, hold my hand, brother. The Prozac thread is right this way... http://www.homerecording.com/bbs/sho...threadid=51524

[jimi]

lol....i heard effexor works better ..lol