second attempt

[elkhunter]

Sometimes it’s not very clear
what I should be saying ,
or want you to hear
I’ve never done this before
never felt like this, I miss
you when you’re right next to me, see us
even when I don't think you want it to be
nothing can change the way I feel,
baby it's so real
cant you see, the real me

The real me gets weak
can also cry
the real me can be strong
could never lie
the real me loves mamaws and papaws alike
wish one day to teach our kids to ride a bike
the real me will always find you
in the hallways of my soul
the real me loves you 'til time grows old
that's the real me

It's hot then its cold I'm told
you look so beautifully bold
to behold and touch
why is it so hard to believe I want you this much
feel my body quiver and shiver
feel the heat rising like a river
believe it's true
this soul was made for you
to see
that’s the real me

The real me get's weak
can also cry
The real me can be strong
could never lie
The real me loves your eyes at sunset
your slow hot kisses so sweet and wet
The real me will always be there
im that kind of guy
The real me loves you 'til the day I die
that's the real me

believe I will give and live
my life for our love
given from above
gentle and patient
slow and strong
baby its taken so long
for you to see
for you to see the real me

The real me get's weak
can also cry
The real me can be strong
could never lie
The real me loves your eyes when the sun sets
your slow hot kisses so sweet and wet
The real me will never leave you
no way I would ever try
The real me loves you 'til the day I die
that's the real me…….. baby that’s the real me

[elkhunter]

so all yall gonna read but not say anything?...if you read it....say something....good or bad......

[nave]

HI elkhunter......Man this stuff is alot different then your first attempt .............This is not great, but just ok........For some reason, unknown, I can picture this as a "spoken word" sort of thing......As well as your third attempt (which I just read).........I think that they would be much more successful if done as spoken word pieces when you could add some inflection to the words...that would be nice.....Ofcourse, go ahead though and do whatever you want with them....


Anyway, talk about polar opposites bro......in your first attempt your a heartless gangster........Second attempt you show some sort of compassion and wish to be accepted by others ....Interesting.........People are complex ya know? You feel one way one day and the next day you feel like somebody else.....That's just the way it is......


Anyway, despite my dislike for your first effort (which by the way is about my own biases more than anything else and also the fact that I'm an altruistic person by nature) I still think that the first thread you posted was much more interesting to read.......it had better use of language (even if it was slang) and from reading it I got the feel that your creative juices were flowing when you wrote it......Whilst, here in these other two songs, your intentions are more admirable, but I don't really get that creative vibe from them........These second two would be much more successful if you used the language (and no, foul language is not what I mean ) and emotion that you put into the first.....Obviously, for anyone, topics such as wanting to be acknowlegded for who you are and being a good son are topics that are filled with emotional complexity.......The writings should reflect that complexity a little more IMO.....


I suggest, that perhaps for practice that you acknowledge the complexity of your own psyche with in a single project and try to project all of your feelings and views into one single effort.....In otherwords, you need a balance between the two different angles that you have tossed at us here.....A balance between the methods of the first one and the other two.....Something that speaks to both the angst and the higher emotions expressed in your latest attempts.....

{warning: my usual psycho babble ahead}

Ideally, all artists should recognize that all their work is just a manifestation of their own cognition and psychology and art should be used as a tool to help clarify the understanding of the "self" and promote cognitive growth.......Unfortunately, without out ever making that cognitive/art connection people tend to affirm cognitive regression with their art....Just one minor example of that is to limit your "piece" to just one angle or perspective....Nobody ever sees things in such a myopic fashion in real life..Simply put, cognition is not that simple...The problem that arises from trying to simplify cognition is that it serves not to clarify it but only to make it more obscure to one's self....One should try and deconstruct the complexity of the psyche in order to better understand the "self".........In other words, how can you ever understand yourself if you don't really understand your own complexity...

Look at it this way......When someone gets REALLY happy they tend to cry.....Other times, in some of the most horrible situations a person's reaction will be to laugh...See what I mean?..This is because emotional content is complex and it gets all mixed up in people.......In otherwords, MAYBE, in your angst type songs there should be a little bit more of the compassionate side of yourself mixed in there with the angst.....And....MAYBE....In the songs like the one about "the real me", there should be a little bit of the angst mixed in with the other emotions.....You see? This is the way people are.......They are not so black and white so to speak......


Anyway, I know you didn't ask for my psychological drivel and nor are you probably expecting it......However, as an fine artist, cognition and it's role in art is my primary focus.....I too am also a song writer on the side and I do try to incorporate my knowledge of cognition into songwriting as well and it's never easy.....I haven't yet achieved success in songwriting that is tantamount to that in my art work.....Nevertheless this is my work and I'm sharing it with you because I admire the fact that after being beaten down to the ground after your first attempt that you stood right back up and brushed yourself off and continued to submit stuff.....Anyone who doesn't admire that is a fool....You seem eager to seek criticism and so I gave it to you.....And you should feel priveledged (just kidding )......Anyway, It's just something that you can think about and possibly incorporate into your writing if you want to....

Good luck....just keep writing stuff....

[Chris Shaeffer]

I like it. There is some real emotion in there that comes across pretty well. There is some good word play. I can't really place it to music in my mine, though, so it is pretty hard to critique. I guess that it just doesn't see to have a flow that I recognize well enough to comment on.

It certainly has a flow, though. I like how you blend one line into another to say 2 different, though related, things with fewer words.

I'm kinda fried right now (long week and its Friday) so I won't offer any criticisms until I get my wits back a bit.

Take care,
Chris