Thoughts on these lyrics...

[ssseals]

I've been playing more acoustic solo shows where I play my own material (not the band that I'm in) and a few covers. Here's the lyrics to the song I open up with, and would like some input on the lyrics. I know it loses something without the melody/chords, but any input would be appreciated. Thanks.

WANTING MORE

The light was bright, and you were hypnotized.
By all you couldn't see.
And when you awoke, the place you wanted to go
Was somewhere just like home.

And so you think you'd like to cut your hair and
start again.
Maybe this time you'll be all you want to be.
Or so you think you'd like to go back to school in the spring.
Maybe this time you'll know what you're going for.
Can't blame a guy for wanting more.

You're old enough to know it don't take long
To know your way around.
But the locals know when you're on your own
And you didn't get the joke.

And so you think you'd like to go out west and be a star.
Maybe this will show them all that you could be.
Or so you think you'd like to settle down and mow the yard.
Maybe she is just what you've been waiting for.
Can't blame a guy for wanting more.

So far, so good.
You did as much as anyone could.
But only a king could see
The crown you wish you wore.

So now you think you'd like to call her up and meet again.
Maybe she's not married half as much as you.
So you think you'd like to have a drink when you pass the bar.
'Cause everyone inside knows what you're fighting for.
And they can't blame you for wanting more.

(copyright 2000 behind the beach music ascap)

[atomictoyz]

Its hard to comment because there is no particular genre mentioned, while I could hear Tori Amos singing it, she is a little eclectic sometimes. I can't seeing it in the same genre as Richard Marx because it lacks the hook repitition required in pop standards. So whats the story behind the song? Do you have any MP3s of your live performance of the song that would give it more of a context?
Lyrics can be tricky, usually the verse section leads into a simple transition prior to the chorus section, and chorus section are catchy and repeats the main idea of the song. Like I said the melody and genre makes a huge difference to how lyrics come across.

Peace,
Dennis

[theron]

I read the lyrics earlier and must agree with Atomic. These particular lyrics could be flowing and wonderful or cumbersome and choppy depending on the melody, progression and arrangment.

Can you post a solo preformance (just like you play it live in your gig) on the mp3 forum?

I'm curious as to how the song goes.

Theron.

[ssseals]

This is an acoustic guitar singer/songwriter song. Dynamic parts. I'll try to get an mp3 up for anyone who wants to hear. I didn't know if it sounded too... weenie. I'm trying to get away from whining or complaining and just commenting on growth, etc. Something more optimistic. I wanted this lyric to be about the fact that we can have everything and still be looking for something more.

[frist44]

Great lyrics.

I'm in your same boat. play acoustic singer/songwriter stuff and good lyrics are something you don't hear often enough. Anyone can write stuff on paper, but the most appealing thing about yours, is that they're honest.

If you're able to really point out specific things within songs that show your inspiration to write, the song reveals that much more to the audience.

keep up the good work

~Brandon

[smooth_mix]

Okay,
I'll go out on a limb here. Mind you, I have respect for effort.

I personally didn't like them because they seemed very feminine. I wouldn't get caught dead listening to music with those lyrics.

That's me, and yes I'm incredibly opinionated. But hey, a batter with a 300 avg is considered a good batter. Keep up the hard work.


smooth.

[sonicwonder]

I disagree with some of the feedback you have gotten thus far. I think your lyrics are wonderful and have potential even as a pop rock tune. Although they are more reminiscent of folk lyrics, depending upon the melody and the repetition of a "hook" within that melody, the song could be performed in the pop genre. I think you have real talent and should continue working on the song. Please let us hear an MP3 when you have it down!