Song - Critique Needed

[chaaaaaa]

I need a critique of a song I wrote.
It’s about my girlfriend of four years who just broke up with me. I’ve been feeling a lot of emotions lately so I figured it would be a good time to write.

Please let me know what you think. I have great respect for these forums and the opinions that stem from them.

====================

She was the one
A soft dove, an angel of the night.
Her beauty bubbled
She stood up for her rights.

Then she told me
She told me, told me
She told me, told me
That I wasn’t for her
Holding her. Go!

<guitar solo>

Rachel Rachel why did you go?
We could’a worked it out, you you - you know?
I am so low, I am so low, I am so low.
Go Go Go!

<drum solo>

Her memory lives on
YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH
She’s broken our bond
YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH
I can’t live on
YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH
Rachel is gone
NO NO NO NO NO

<short pause>

Rachel come backkkkkkkk <to fade>

<bass solo>

====================

Thanks for taking the time to read this :-)

[theron]

If I were you, I'd sit on this song for a while. It is short, lopsided and sorry.
After four years, there must be more substance and I really think you are simply hurting.
Heartbreak lasts a long time. Let it bleed a little. Let YOUR side come into focus. Save all your lyrics and ideas. Write everything you feel and think. Let a little time give you the advent of song stucture and then take all the notes you have and let them fly.

I make a huge appology for stepping on any pre-existing wounds or creative procese.
It is just that I have bridged the same maelstrome of experience and outcome. It was more productive to wait a bit and save my notes before I wrote anything close to a song.

Peace and best actions,
Theron.
Yes, I am aware of my inability to spell.

[Henri Devill]

Theron,I couldn't have said it any better,weve all been there..Chaaaaaa,its really hard to do many things with clearity when you are in the throws of emotion.Just write it all out and come back to it later..Good luck

Don

[Whyte Ice]

I think you should keep writing. If I were you, I would. I've been in situations like this before and my best songs I've written have come out of it.

You should write what you feel when you are feeling it, not later when you look back on what you felt.

I'm sorry about your situation and it would be rude to ask you what happened in a songwriting forum but all I can tell you is keep your head up.

[tdukex]

I have two suggestions: first, go meet someone nice and get laid--at least get kissed. Now, once you are feeling a little bit better, turn this into a tongue-in-cheek song about lost love in the first verse and chorus (as you have already done), and in the second verse have this sorrowful sap you have created--walking the streets with his head hanging-- bump into a new babe with sparkling eyes and a warm smile.

It would transpire something like this:

I'm so sorrowful
I'm so low
Rachel's gone, and...BUMP
Whoa!
Hello!

[skaltpunk]

sure, it works... but it's nothing special. it's been written before by someone feeling the same thing as you. no one expects you to describe an emotion that no one has before, but originality is key. this may come from your performance of the song (with a lot of emotion), but as far as the songwriting goes, it needs work. try to write deeper lyrics, use poetic devices.

[chaaaaaa]

Thanks for the responses. They were overwhelming :-)

I’m the type of guy who likes to get his emotions on paper as soon as possible.
In saying that I took the advice of some of you and let me song sit for a while.

I came back to writing yesterday with a clearer (still sorrowful) mind, only to discover that the time off enabled me to reflect further on the break-up. Thanks to many of the people who posted I now have some clarity. I scrapped the song I initially posted and came up with something much better. Thanks guys.

Please, let me know what you think. Your previous comments were greatly appreciated and reflected upon.

====================

Rachel was her name
And ultra-love was our game
But then she said my name
My name, my name, my name

She said, Johhhhhhhhhhhhhhhn I hate you
HATE YOU <spoken by a quartet or rugged men>
You really really made me mad
MAD <spoken by a quartet or rugged men>
You think you know everything
And you don’t even know to have sex

I said, Raccccccchel I love you
LOVE YOU <spoken by a quartet or rugged men>
I’ll do any any thing you say
SAY <spoken by a quartet or rugged men>
I know you know everything,
And your last name is Swanson

<Swan sounds>
<Saxophone solo>
<more Swans sounds>

<While the below is spoken and trumpet, tuba and an electric guitar will only be played>

Rachel, Rachel Rachel
Please come back, to me – yeah yeah yeah
I didn’t mean to cheat on you
But you cheated on me first

GOOOOOOOOOOO! Yeah Yeah

<Song fades out then the following lyrics are screamed in to the microphone>

There’s nothin’ like love!

====================

Thanks for your time guys.