part of new song

[LI Slim]

You give me that sweet uncertainty
I'd never believe that's what I'd need
You say you want me, well what's the reason
I don't know what you'll say
But as long as it's me you're teasin'
I won't have it any other way

[Henri Devill]

Good stuff Slim..What style are you doing it in? Do you already hear it in its finished form?Just a suggestion and this is a guessWhat would happen if you took of all the words that start the lines {you,I'd,but I} ..unless you already have a melody and it works!


Don

[LI Slim]

Thanks Don. Actually the song is "finished", and I sometimes do leave out those first words when performing it. Its first public performance it tonight...

[Henri Devill]

Good luck on the preformance !


Don

[the Ozlee]

Li Slim,

Not enough for me to go on. But, I do agree with Henri's suggestion. It seems to give your voice more focus. Since you've already performed it in public, I hope all went well.

When I bounce it through my head I get a jazz feeling for it, am I close?

Ozlee

[LI Slim]

It's not jazzy; more of an earnest folk-rock song. It also compares a more universal uncertainty to personal relationship uncertainty. First verse:

Every face I see fills me with uncertainty
It's a hollow sound that stops me and I spin around
The smoke is in my hair, the grit is in my teeth
The answer that I seek
Lies beyond my reach
And you give me that sweet uncertainty
I'd never believe that's what I'd need
I can kneel and pray for guidance
I can bargain for a little clue
I can isolate myself
Or surrender all control to you to you to you

I was kind of the least "certain" about the verse I posted a few days ago. The song seems to have gone over real well so far. Your thoughts are valued of course.

[Henri Devill]

Slim..Glad it went over well !Since you already have this song in the preformance phase you are proboly pretty set in the lyrics..So the only thing that I can think of is editing...Takeing "and I spin around".."That I seek".."and".."I'd".....out of it and giveing you a little more space to let the words be a little more open/reflective..Ex."Its a hollow sound that stops me" is a great line, by tagging{especialy with a ryhme} it you remove some of the impact..You gotta let the listeners mind have time to focus..The answer lies beyond my reach..You give me that sweet uncertainty..Never belive thats what I need ...By the way this is all a guess and these are only my obeservations without a melody..You have some really good lines in your song and some good imagery!


Don

[LI Slim]

Thanks Don.

I think that's good advice. I think I do tend to get a bit wordy.

[the Ozlee]

Li Slim,

I think Henri has it pretty well on target. I don't know much about "jazz". But the lyrics sounded to me like they would make a great jazz piece, IMHO. I can see Diana Krall (spelling?) playing it on a grand piano, bringing em to thier feet right now.

Since "jazz" covers alot of ground. I hope you will take it as a compliment for what you have written. Good luck with it.

Keep the faith, Ozlee

[LI Slim]

I appreciate it very much.

Please contact Diana Krall for me. I will turn it into a Jazz piece pronto!