Need some thoughts...

[mjr]

I've got a bit of a situation, and I need to get some thoughts on it.

How do you gently tell someone you're tired of their drama, and that it's wearing you out?

I have some relatives who are in a perpetual state of drama, and I hear about it A LOT (weekly, for the most part, but sometimes several times a week).

Anyway, it's not that I don't care about these relatives, it's just that the constant drama is wearing out my wife and I, and I don't want to constantly hear about their drama. And sometimes we think about the drama even when we're eating dinner. It's like a big drama chess game, along the lines of "Ok, now there's this drama...what's next??" My wife even told me she's wound up and stressed because of it. Neither of us can relax, and we're so distracted because of it that it's affecting our lives in negative ways. This has been going on for a few years.

The individuals involved in the drama are generally very, very sensitive to criticism, and probably won't take things well. My wife and I just want this to end.

Any thoughts? I need to know how to tell them that I do care about them as family, I just don't want the constant barrage of drama. I've got my own life to worry about.

[mshilarious]

I don't think there is a federal law that requires one to answer a telephone . . .

[mjr]

Originally Posted by mshilarious

I don't think there is a federal law that requires one to answer a telephone . . .

True. My wife suggested that I turn off my cell for two weeks. I would, but there are a couple of people that I may actually need to get in touch with, or I may need them to contact me.

Otherwise, that's exactly what I'd do. I'd turn off my cell for two weeks.

[Dogbreath]

Man...I dunno.

We had a similar situation with some relatives about 600 miles away.

I wasn't very tactful and told em to suck it up, quit the whinin and get over it.

My wife is the one who ironed things out and unruffled the feathers I so rudely ruffled. Maybe she'd have some better ideas. heh heh...

However...it worked. They call her brother now.

[Dogbreath]

Oh...
and just as an fyi and in my defense
this was after 8 months of whinin from them soooo....

[The Ghost of FM]

How's about just telling them the truth; that you do care about them but are getting too stressed out from worrying about their problems and that its damaging your own health in the process.

Sometimes there is no right or easy way to tell someone who is sensitive that they're doing something that is messing you up. You just need to tell them calmly and be done with it.

Alternatively, if you have caller id on your phone, use it to not take their calls for a while and see if they can take a hint from that.

Good luck!

Cheers!

[Supercreep]

A lot depends on which relatives we're talking about. If they are your or your wife's parents or immediate family, you've got to be more careful.

Ultimately, you've got to make your wishes known.

How about a simple "We don't want to talk about X, Y, and Z, and if you can't bring yourself to omit these topics from discussion with my family, then we will be forced to restrict the amount of time we spend with you. We care deeply about your situation, but feel burdened by your drama. So knock it off or we'll steer clear of you until you can."

[mjr]

Originally Posted by Supercreep

A lot depends on which relatives we're talking about. If they are your or your wife's parents or immediate family, you've got to be more careful.

Ultimately, you've got to make your wishes known.

How about a simple "We don't want to talk about X, Y, and Z, and if you can't bring yourself to omit these topics from discussion with my family, then we will be forced to restrict the amount of time we spend with you. We care deeply about your situation, but feel burdened by your drama. So knock it off or we'll steer clear of you until you can."

Dude! I like that last paragraph!

[mikemorgan]

I would suggest they throw money at every problem the have, like "My son is a putz and I can't get him to move out!" You suggest " That's easy, rent him an apartment!"

or

"It's getting to hard to take care of Aunty Betty, with her incontinence and all" You suggest "Hey that's easy, there's this really nice retirement home really close to your house"

It always amazes me how fast people do a 180 when you suggest they get their wallet out.

[mjr]

Originally Posted by mikemorgan

I would suggest they throw money at every problem the have, like "My son is a putz and I can't get him to move out!" You suggest " That's easy, rent him an apartment!"

or

"It's getting to hard to take care of Aunty Betty, with her incontinence and all" You suggest "Hey that's easy, there's this really nice retirement home really close to your house"

It always amazes me how fast people do a 180 when you suggest they get their wallet out.

Well, part of the problem is financial. They like to spend money they don't have, then complain that they don't have money, and need money for something.

One of them (I won't say which) needed $1,500 worth of transmission work done on their car. Instead of fixing their car, they borrowed $800 from another relative, then bought a mattress, paid the money back to the relative (don't ask me how. I assume it was over a few months, or with tax refund money, or something), then bought a $120 computer monitor. Then complained because they still needed $1,500 to fix their car.

Well, that car was wrecked (they were backed into by someone) by a different relative (but one who's involved in the drama), and was totaled. Now, the owner of the car is complaining because when the insurance company comes to get the car, they won't have a car to drive, as they don't have any money for a down payment and can't get financed anywhere. This particular relative even called my cousin to see if they could "borrow" $500 from him.

So, essentially, they are throwing money at their problems, it's just money they don't have! And the sad part is, they don't realize what they're doing isn't working.

It's really driving me and my wife crazy! If it's not this, it's something else. We're always wondering what the next drama will be.