a song in its primitive state

[cello_pudding]

i haven't been on here for a while due to: having no internet, having no recording equipment, having a broken guitar, ....but i would like to know honest opinions on a new song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=20Dy6WTDAPA

lyrics:

at her feet attention thrown
a selfish want from men half grown
looks that shook and words that tattered
now beauty stolen, beauty scattered
from it to thou and prompted care
down trod my head, upshot a prayer

don't let her lips refract nor shade
me from the light of what they might say
don't let her hands' warmth move mine to live
lest i forget the help they'd give
don't let her eyes distract my own
then i the blind play pretend alone

i thank you Lord, i thank you Lord
for all that you give

she fills me with an air that cleanses and dulls me of my earthen senses.

[stringtheory]

sounds pretty good, keep it up!

[gecko zzed]

Musically the song is interesting. Vocally it is unusual . . . and maybe just weird enough to pick up a niche following.

However, I am not keen on it personally . . . it sounds a bit too freeform for my taste.

Lyrically it is an odd mixture.

Some lines are really good, for example:
"don't let her lips refract nor shade/me from the light of what they might say".

But I am not sure that using "thou" works these days. It certainly doesn't for me. You can add "lest" to that as well.

You say it is unfinished, so I guess that when it is, the line, "i thank you Lord, i thank you Lord/for all that you give", will make sense. At the moment it is missing context, and is therefore out of place.

Keep working on it so that we can see its completion.

[cello_pudding]

i make fairly personal songs.

this is about an experience with a friend of mine and how Martin Buber's "I and Thou" changed my perspective on how to relate to people, and specifically to this girl.

She's a philosophy girl.

I'm thanking God for the experience and for presenting me with such an amazing person.

thanks for your input. the lest does seem out of context, and i had alternatives when i originally wrote it.

a song restructure is definitely a necessity right now. possibly with the i thank you lord part i could open and close the song with it, using different lyrics for the "fills me with an air that..."

at times i feel the melody is a bit contrived....i'll work on it...but it can be really tricky with odd chord progressions. i think i should dumb down the picking for a section just so the melody can lend itself better to connecting with the listener instead of musical drivel.

[jimmi]

Sorry buddy, I really cant hear your song. I'd like to, because the vid shows your enjoyment in playing it. I reckon just one quasi-decent mic in front you would get your song across better. I just cant hear it as it is.

[famous beagle]

Hey Cello,

This tune is interesting and has some really nice bits, though some of it gets lost on me. It's hard to find the direction for some of it. There are some nice guitar voicings and nice melodies; it was really hard to hear the lyrics, so it was nice that you wrote them out. I kind of agree with gecko about the free-form making it hard to grasp.

It's like ... the harmonies are unusual, the lyrics are unusual, and the rhythms are rhapsodic, so you're throwing a lot of new information to the listener all at once. Don't really know how else to describe it.

On a side note, I checked out your cover of "Jolene," and, man .. that was beautiful! I loved it. I did a cover of that song with my wife (we have a duo called the Housecats). Ours stuck closer to the original, but yours smoked mine!

[Frankie Rage]

I've been listening to this for awhile.

I like the song, your guitar playing and your voice.

I think you just need to make this one a bit more coherent so we can hear the lyric like on 'Jolene' and 'Bridges & balloons' off your YouTube site.

Great stuff!

[Byron Yang]

The words are interesting.