unfinished song

[osiris]

I'm having a hard time finishing this. Its gone through many permutations- change of key, change of meter, re-writes, but I just can't seem to figure out where its going. Here's a rough sketch...

http://www.lightningmp3.com/live/31970-pieceofearth.mp3

any ideas? Its called piece of earth. Thanks!

[Frankie Rage]

Well, I'm just listening to it for the second time. It sounds like a finished song to me.

Sometimes as writers, we don't recognise when something is finished, because maybe it didn't go where we wanted it to go.

I can't think of anything it needs lyrically or musically that it doesn't already have.

I immediately like it.

Sorry!

[gecko zzed]

Originally Posted by osiris

I'm having a hard time finishing this. Its gone through many permutations- change of key, change of meter, re-writes, but I just can't seem to figure out where its going.

I hear a song that laments the everpresent conflict on this planet, and seeks a better life for us all.

As Frankie says, you've probably got everything there that you need, but I agree with you that it it unfinished.

Freedom and peace songs are not scarce, so to be able to compete successfully with the others in that genre ("blowin' in the wind", "imagine", "eve of destruction" and so on), you need to create something that is extra special.

Some things you might like to think about:

1 Keep the simple vocal and acoustic that you already have. This might be stark enough to catch the ears of people used to more elaborate productions.

2 Remove the fat. At 5.23, this song doesn't have enough lyrical, melodic or dynamic content to sustain it over that period. The intro, for example, is 31 seconds long, and there are a number of other guitar breaks throughout. See what you can do to cut these out (or cut them back). Likewise, see what you can do to remove repeated lyrics. You should be able to trim this to a much more punchy three minutes or so.

3 Try experimenting with your voice to get greater variation in intensity . . . sing some bits softer so that the more urgent bits come out stronger.

4 Just as you might vary the way you sing this, what about variations in guitar playing? For example, pull it back here and there; play sparsely. Then play more dramatically at other places.

5 "There's only fear and endless war". Well, yes, I agree with you. But can you think of other ways of expressing this? Unusual lyrics are more likely to catch the attention of a listener (even if you keep a little bit of something familiar in there for them to latch on to).

I think you have the makings of a fine song here, and needs only a bit of distilling to make it stand out more.

[osiris]

Thanks for the input...
I guess I feel its unfinished because it seems like the beginning and end of a story with no middle.

Gecko zzed, thanks for all your suggestions. I will experiment with dynamics and feel. You're right about trimming the fat. The part in the middle is kind of a placeholder for a possible bridge (or if I went with a full arrangement, a wailing guitar solo) and the repeated verse is a placeholder for another verse.

I never liked the bit about fear and endless war- its actually not what I'm trying to say at all. I also don't like "things aren't what they use to be"- feels cliche to me.

I wasn't thinking of this so much as a war and peace kind of song. The first verse is the story of this character as a young man and the second verse is him as an old man lamenting how the country has changed- (hence the need for a middle verse?) I think I'm trying to get at an ethic or way of life that's been lost. having roots and being connected to the land or something like that.

[stringtheory]

good job, keep it up!